RSS

Tag Archives: women

Bow to the DD Goddess

There is a special magic in a well endowed woman who makes the conscious decision not wear a bra.

Just a t-shirt.

God bless you, miss, you’re doing the Lord’s work here.

Don’t get all preachy on me, this is more of a natural, primal thing.

Like watching geese flying North in formation.

Or seeing the first 400lbs woman wearing a tube top in the Summer at a Walmart.

But this woman has a serious A game going on.

She is totally aware of what she is doing.

Allow me to set the scene.

About 5’4, dark brown hair, pretty face with an earth sensuality that makes her stunning, eyes that are dark and beautiful but have malicious glint that reminds me of a storm warning.

Now for the serious description.

She is a DD cup, maybe bigger.

Mid 20’s, so some weight sag, but no age sag as of yet.

And they are natural.

Not that there is anything wrong with enhanced breasts.

But there is a difference in movement.

A braless woman with breast enhancement? They both move together, like synchronized swimmers, beautiful in their precision.

But a pair of DD without a bra?

Like puppies wrestling under a blanket.

Gloriously, there is no synchronicity.

Each breast has its own agenda.

And the lady in question not only understands the effect that she is having on the men and a few women around her, but she is reveling in it.

She is moving abruptly, waiting till she sees someone boldly staring, then reaching for things or gesturing suddenly.

All with a vicious little smile on her lips.

This is a dangerous woman.

Inside of 3 weeks, she could be running the world.

The cashier is an 18 year old guy that may or may not have orgasmed briefly a moment ago.

If he didn’t have a stutter previously, he does now.

She just waggled her shoulders at him, creating a lovely display that may have just made me cum a little bit.

But this is not about me.

You may have noted that I have not given her a nickname like I do to most people.

There is a reason for this.

I am at a loss for words.

What name could capture the complexity of the moment?

She is like a pagan goddess, manifested in a Starbucks.

Thank God she isn’t recruiting followers. (Or is she? I would worship at that alter.)

I can forecast conversion for anyone with a pair of testies.

Amazing that blog writing is still possible when most of the blood leaves your head, I thought is was a necessary thing? (Wait for it, wait for it…….there you go, welcome to the party.

The true power that this woman holds is both up front and subtle.

Every man in here is lusting after her.

And she will occupy many lurid thoughts throughout the day.

And that is a form of power that is stunning in its complexity and the fact that there is no way to fight it.

And why would you?

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 15, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Time for an autopsy.

It has been suggested by one of the meager handful of people I respect, that a previous post was a little too sexist. (Objectifying women, double standard… blah blah blah, you get the idea.)

So, in the spirit of the New more touchie-feelie Bittermac, I took some sensitivity training.

Or at least 10 minutes of it. (Go to Youtube and search “Sensitivity training”. Watch a few of those, you will be suicidal inside of 5 minutes.)

Aside from reaffirming that we are becoming a nation of metro-sexual pussies, I found 3 common points in both the training videos and the videos from women about sensitivity and sexism.

  1. Most sensitivity training goes against human nature and is loosely based on the premise that you should never offend anyone and float thru life on butterfly wings. (All of these videos are conducted by guys that were chosen last in every sport, cheated on by their wives and end up getting raped in prison for tax evasion. Side note- They are in prison for tax evasion, the rape is just part of the amenities.)
  2. The women that post reaction videos to applaud and affirm the training videos start off by demanding that it be an even playing field. By the end of their video-rants, they are usually wanting to spin the whole thing around to a female dominated/male being shit on playing field. (The bitter side of me applauds their thirst for blood, but it would set the scene for these exact kinds of videos being made by the guys in another decade.)
  3. Nobody seems to have the same agenda. Several of the training videos and the reaction videos took the point of view of sexual abuse, several attacked racism, a few attacked inherited wealth. (Interesting mix, its a forest for the trees. Stop arguing about what kind of trees they are. They are TREES, lets move on.)

So, once again I find myself sitting in my comfy chair up in my ivory tower, seeing the people and their flaws.

And here is what I have for you:

Let it go.

Jesus Christ, people! Life is unfair, always has been, and its not changing any time soon.

If you are a woman, men are going to be unfair to you in the workplace.

If you are a man, men in higher positions will be unfair to you in the workplace.

If you are a short man, women on dating sites will openly discriminate against you.

If you are poor, the rich will discriminate against you when it comes to money.

If you are rich, the government will discriminate against you for having money.

If you draw breath on this planet, someone will take advantage of that situation for their own personal gain.

The whole thing boils down to human nature.

Human beings instinctively strive to better their own situation.

Some do it in an almost brutally selfish fashion, while others are wildly selfless in their approach.

Think of the Clintons on one end and Mother “Saint” Theresa on the other.

And we are all in between.

The vast majority spend their time hiding their own activities and decrying the actions of others.

Me? I am an open book.

Kind of like a tawdry sex novel that gets you a little hot and bothered, but shocks you with how out of your comfort zone you get.

Intriguing, can’t put it down fascinating, but leaves you feeling a little dirty in the end.

Most people wander thru life with this child-like belief system that remains unexamined from the moment it was given to them till the day they die.

Here is the basic truth.

Do your best not to shit on people if its not necessary, be a good person when you can, limit your asshole instincts when you can and hopefully, when the shit hits the fan, you have banked enough goodwill that there are a few hands to help when you need it.

I will not mention Karma here, you all know my opinions on that. (Seriously, if karma worked even a quarter of the time, we would not need laws. They say karma’s a bitch. I agree. A lazy bitch that rarely pulls its own weight.)

I will leave you with a quote from Hunter S. Thompson “I understand that fear is my friend, but not always. Never turn your back on Fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed.“ (Not the original quote I wanted, but this one caught my eye and it is golden.)

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

The opposite of Sex

Anastasia Beaverhausen has changed her name.

Written by Molloy

Men. I hate men. Can’t live with em, can’t kill ‘em. It’s an old cocktail party joke, but so true on so many levels. I get now why so many of my ‘middle-aged’ girlfriends have gone lesbo. They used to be married to men – most have had children with them, but something in them finally snapped, and they decided to start playing for the other team.

And I totally get it. Guys: you get so disgusting as you get older. Maybe it’s because your mothers are now too old, or even deceased, and us women are too tired to tell you one more goddam time to pick up your shit off the floor, but you. Still. Do. It. Every day. Do you really need to be reminded every single day? Your boxers on the floor. Your stinky socks and shoes all over the house. Your sandwich makings all over the counter. Your crap. Everywhere. It’s like you are a dog marking territory. Women don’t do this. Everything gets put back away. And we smell like roses. All the time. You all seem to have forgotten that a nice clean man = horizontal play time. Oh, and putting your crap away = horizontal play time + blow jobs and possible ass play – if you’ve poured enough wine.

Women who have tossed out their men, and decided to shack up with a female partner are my inspiration. They have someone wonderful to talk to, a clean house, and don’t have to explain those weird house scents to visitors (girls, you know which ones I mean – those “man smells”). Female partners in the same house have fridges with wonderful foods, such as hummus, wine (tons of wine), cheese, fruit, and olive oil. They also have towels that smell of lavender, no hair in the tub, and no fear of anyone using their cherished tweezers on anything but their eyebrows. Trust me: you just can’t un-see that image of your man leaning over the toilet, scraping out the underside of his toenails with your BrowGal. Speaking of toilets: The coup de gras……..cohabitating carpetlickers do not have to deal with the toilet seat, piss on the floor, or unflushed toilets.

Aaaaaah……I heard choirs of angels singing when I thought of that…..no more toilet issues. I think the mid-life-crisis-sexual-preference changers might be on to something with just that issue alone. They might not be having sex with each other (pity), but at least they are in their own special spa oasis of their own design (can I get a whoop whoop for no more leather recliners, 75 inch plasma screens, and foosball tables gals?).

Seriously, men are just overgrown little boys who like to play with snakes and fart, while women are prettier versions of little girls with the skills and knowledge to color-coordinate and run the world while making a port wine reduction sauce and coaching her teen daughter on partial differential equations.

Men: Can’t live with ‘em, and who wants to anyway? I hate men.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on September 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Where the big fish swim.

“A cheese danish Betty? Are you off your diet…again?”

There is a special magic in the air when two 400+lbs women decide to shit on each other’s weight.

Its like a Disney animated movie, awesome and awe inspiring at the same time.

The woman who stood in the doorway of her glass house and threw the first stone, was shoveling a portion of what appeared to be the biggest bear claw I have ever seen into her festering gob.

(I would like to take a moment to apologize for my insensitive comments on a very sensitive topic. Being overweight. I mean, I am carrying a little extra myself, so you think I would hold off. Fuck it, we’re doing this.)

Woman number 2, technically the victim here, never even paused as she took a bite of the aforementioned cheese danish that was big enough to choke a French man. (The punch line there is that it is impossible to choke a French man, those fuckers do nothing BUT swallow. )

We will call her Betty. (There are maybe two people that understand why Betty is a funny name.)

Betty doesn’t miss a beat.

“Following your example, Barb. Diabetes hasn’t slowed you down one bit.” (There is an implied Fuck You that is almost impossible to miss. And with the name Barb, we get to call her Babs.)

Then next five minute are really hard to take, and I am in pain when the ladies pack up and leave.

I have almost shit myself at least 3 times trying hard not to laugh.

Here are the highlights:

  • Betty has gout, and Babs thinks that is funny. (This is a level of Rotten Bitch that even I will not attempt.)
  • Babs son’s business failed and somehow this is linked to him being gay. (There is a line of logic that they both seemed to know, but Babs dismissed with a muffled belch.)
  • Both women referred to each other as “You old whore”, “Bitch” and even the C-word was trotted out a few times. (They were like sailors on leave with those mouths.)

It was an unbelievable thing to witness two people that the normal societal expectations would make them brittle emotionally, but instead had given them bullet proof self esteem and a “Go fuck yourself” attitude that would daunt a biker gang.

They said what they wanted, did what they wanted could not give two shits what you think.

They laughed more in the 10 minutes that I witnessed than most people do in a hot weekend in Vegas.

And when they left the room was a little sadder for the loss.

I love big personalities especially when they are attached to people outside the norm.

You will never see pretty people (Pretty according to the mass media definition) being this brutal, self deprecating and aggressive.

Most people get too self aware and shy to make a scene like that in public.

Like walking sharks, the little fish get out of their way.

And the pastries are just chum in the water.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Bitchzilla

Nicolaus Copernicus was a mathematician and astronomer born in the late 1400’s, and was the first to posit the idea that the planets revolved around the sun. (Theres more to it, but thats basically it. And you should see the Wikipedia pic of him. He looks like a fuglier version of Ringo Starr.)

It was game changing for the scientific community.  

It was an obvious, basic truth that no one saw until he said it, one of those things you can’t unknow.

So why the Astronomy lesson today?

Because I would like to put forth my own theory, based on that same idea of Heliocentricity. (Remember that whole Sun thing?)

I call it iPhonecentricity. It is the theory that all life revolves around the iPhone.

Not mine, I turned mine in and went Android a few months back.

I mean hers.

Bitchzilla.

Bitchzilla isn’t a who as much as she is a what. Like some sort of sci fi monster of the mental/verbal realm, she is stomping all over the tranquility of the room. (Its a stretch, but it made me laugh and I am king here.)

She is a female, I am fairly certain of that. (There are breasts in evidence under her business suit with conservative skirt. However, she could be pulling a Bruce Jenner, “Call me, Caitlin.” Side note – Get your nuts wacked and I will.)

The Universe and all things in it, revolve around Bitchzilla’s iPhone 6 Plus.

I have been in line for a few minutes at Starbucks and I have so far heard Bitchzilla mention her iPhone 6 Plus 3 times.

She is on Bluetooth with someone who is somehow not having a stroke due to the verbal strobe of this woman’s screechy voice.

She also seems to be texting.

And she is switching screens to play Words with Friends.

And to hear her tell it? She is brilliant for having it.

(You didn’t invent it, you dizzy dumbass, you just paid too much for it. There IS a difference.)

I got my coffee and decided that with all the cycling I do, my heart could handle sitting next to Bitchzilla without risking permanent damage.

The nice thing about the iPhone 6 Plus is that the screen is big enough for me to see from 3 feet away.

Her words with friends game is not going well. Her opponent has 655 points, she has 52.

That was not a typo.

She is the queen of the 2 letter play.

No brains, no headaches.

By the way, she could take a hammer and smash the screen on purpose, ON PURPOSE and they will replace it, because she paid extra. (I only said on purpose twice, she said it 3 times.)

Her coffee drink looks like it has gone cold without a sip out of it.

I have seen meth addicts with better control.

Her digital crack is going to be the death of her.

She is totally the lady on the news that was texting while driving, didn’t look out the window for a 5 minute period because she had a badass 3 letter word to play on WWF and plows into a crowd of cancer victims.

And before you tsk tsk me, remember that more than half of you nodded your heads at that line before you chucked that rock of condemnation at my glass house.

So we’re all going to hell together, but my conscience will be clear.

And Bitchzilla will be at the head of that line.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

The weaker sex.

Divorced women have a serious agenda.

When a man gets divorced, we go thru this juvenile “I’m free” thing in our heads. This leads to a lot of whoring around whenever possible, but usually a rejuvenation of the personality. Its like the filter of marriage dampens you down and shuts you up. In divorce, you suddenly find the handcuffs off that you didn’t realize were there, and you can now speak your mind.  This is sometimes a good thing.But what if you are kind of an obnoxious dick?

Take up blogging, works like a fucking charm.

Women, however, view divorce as a kaleidoscope of things.

Empowering, rejuvenating, reinvention, life changing. They start new businesses, join a book club, read these books. (Not even the trashy stuff, but stuff Oprah recommends) Often times, a support group erupts.

And that is when the trouble begins.

Oprah is not pro man. This is a given. She is part of that, “Men are the problem.” thing. Keep in mind that Oprah is single and has been for a long time. Never take your car to a mechanic that never learned to drive. She has a female friend, named Gayle, that goes everywhere with her, and a constantly missing man in her life named Stedman. If a friend in high school had the same scenario in their life, you would have called bullshit long ago.

I have a relative that has had a long time girlfriend, that no one has ever met, but hangs out 24 7 with his “buddy” and room mate. They even go on vacation together because they are such good “Friends”. (Putting quotes around anything makes it suspect.) No one is really fooled, but it has made for some wonderfully awkward Thanksgiving dinners over the years. The yearly answer to mom’s question of when is he getting married and having kids is met with stock quotes from the Liberace play book. “I’m working too much.” “I’m concentrating on my career.” Laughing in the middle of the silence that follows will get you chewed out by my mother in a heartbeat, trust me on that one.

Sorry, off on a tangent there.

Divorced women tend to get together to talk about something called “Feelings”

Stop laughing, I’m being serious here.

Divorced women should never be allowed to congregate together.

Whole lotta “All men are bastards!” Oprah shit going down. Its a mob mentality at that point as they support and empower the living shit out of each other. I’ve seen it and its a terrifying thing. Nobody ends up dead but suddenly, the alimony triples and she’s fighting over custody of your pet rock.

Because here’s the problem.

We are bastards.

Sounds simple, but think about it. It is like that old Aesop’s fable about the woman that finds the half dead snake, nurses him back to health, and when he bites her and she asks how could he do that? He says, you knew I was a snake when you took me in.

Exactly.

And no, I am not saying that all men will wander around with their penis out, 24 7, looking for takers. But we
do still slither around quite a bit. By the purist definition of a divorced woman men are bastards, even the good one. Ask a holy roller, born again Christian if someone that doesn’t go to their church is sinful. 10 for 10 they are a sinner.

Its the perspective the shapes the answer, even before you ask the question.

But we are still men. Most women want a man to “Be a man”. But only to a woman’s definition. Again, perspective. Sensitive, funny, caring, intellectual, loves my mother, good with children, has an eye for flowers and foreign films, loves cats, is not afraid to cry and loves quiche.

Those men are out there, but they’re gay.

Just to throw it out there, I like quiche, but very hetero. I have it on authority from a gay friend that I am
what is referred to as “Tragically hetero”, and that even faking it is not very believable. I asked him if thats an insult, and he said only if you are gay.

Women are complicated creatures, you hear that one a lot.. No their not, they’re nuts! Beware of any creature that can bleed for 3 days, AND NEVER DIE.

Women are from Venus.

Great, aliens.

It all comes into focus. Its pretty obvious that women didn’t come from this planet.
Because if women are from Venus, men are from earth.

Or, it could just be a bullshit metaphor.

Maybe we are just spending too much time over-thinking it.

Perhaps the basic truth of it all is this:

Are you ready for someone in your life?

Simple question, complex answer. One of those ass-clenching, night sweats type answers. The more I think about this one, the worse it gets.

Really ready. Not just “I hope I meet someone” while you are still in marriage counseling, or spending all of your disposable income on meth. Timing is a bitch, but it also pays to be realistic and prepared.

To be ready for someone in your life, you have to sort out enough of your baggage and shit and pare it down to have room for someone without it being sabotaged before it even starts. It means, if your feeling are backed up, like an emotional constipation, that you deal with it and get around it.

Got an addiction? Thats a lover all on its own, and a jealous one at that. You have to break up with her. Talk about hell having no fury. The ex from hell.

It all boils down to dealing with everything that can trip you up. All the collected shit that you have gained over the years and hangs around your neck like a weight, holding you back and pulling you under.

The alternative is to do nothing and watch whatever relationship you have go tits up like a dead cockroach.

And spending your relationship eternity in the dust behind the refrigerator?

It sucks.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,