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Ho, Ho, Hoe

Sometimes the holiday season can come upon you like an STD, painful and embarrassing.

And you find yourself worrying about it on the toilet a lot.

Its a lot like stages of grief.

Denial. “It can’t be Christmas already?!?!” (Stop posting affirmation memes on FB for 2 fucking seconds and look at the calendar.)

Anger. “I hate how commercial it is!” (And yet YOU feed the beast, every year.)

Bargaining. “Alright, I can skip the gym 2 days a week and just budget my time tighter, that will work, right?” (It is one of those lines that you know are a lie when you say them. Its your baby, sure I’ll pay you back, I’ll pull out, that sort of thing.)

Depression. “Fuck it, I don’t care, this year is just fucked because of blah, blah, blah.” (There is a certain charm to being totally fucked, but that statement makes no sense to those who have never bottomed out.)

Acceptance. “I am going to get a good tree this year!” (Control the shit you can control.)

That being said, Christmas is coming, time to start fat shaming the goose just prior to his death.

Personally, you couldn’t make me eat goose with a gun to my head.

I once ate foie-gras (Goose liver, but God knows what they do to it.) in Paris during my peace mission to France. (My Great grandfather was a war hero and hated the French with a passion he usually reserved for the English (We’re Irish) or the Italians (Just because).

Foie-Gras was so foul I suddenly understood my great grandfather and the French. (2 bottles of wine later, I tried foie-gras again. Still nasty.)

I work with one of those annoying vegetarians that claims to be much healthier but is always out sick.

I am an unapologetic carnivore.

Meaning that it wouldn’t bother me to be in on the kill, but my work schedule prohibits it. (For the record, the last time I was sick was 2 years ago. Sinus infection that cleared up in a few days.)

My immune system is a lot like a 6’8 special forces soldier, its not afraid of anything, it just figures out how to kill it.

But go ahead and eat your fucking bean sprouts.

Can you feel Christmas in the air?
People are spending money and planning for the day.

It quit being a religious day for the masses awhile ago.

And I am ok with that.

Faith is Faith, you either have it or not, regardless of what day you get off of work.

But, when the day comes and you end up roasting in Hell, don’t come bitching to me.

I will be having a steak with the Almighty while you and the vegetarians get yours.

I am not wishing hell on you, just to be clear.

Vegetarians, yes., fuck those guys.

Oh, and coffee, there will be coffee.

I am fairly certain the Almighty is a dark roast guy.

Happy holidays.

Mmmmmm coffee.

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Posted by on December 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Its better to look good than to feel good.

Murder can be sexy.

Fur is loudly screamed about by animal rights activists as being murder.

Mainly because it is.

But so is eating meat, and according to scientists – eating vegetables, and just about anything else we do to stay alive on this planet. (Studies have shown that vegetable matter emits an electrical pulse when plucked from vine or main plant, much akin to a scream. So vegetarians and vegans are filthy murderers like the rest of us.)

But here is part of the problem, fur is just so damn sexy.

Here is a test:

Doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, just do this.

Imagine a celebrity that you find sexually attractive.

Now imagine them naked, in a seductive pose.

Its hot, right? Works for you?

Now imagine them wrapped in snow white fur.

Just got a little hotter in here, right?

That is why it will never go away entirely.

It has been on the decline for a few years, but I just read an article that shows that fur dealers are showing a huge increase in demand.

Thank god.

Perhaps the day will come that I can go to a steakhouse and be served an 18oz ribeye by a buxom waitress clad only in a floor length mink. (As far as masturbatory fantasies go, this one is a half notch above staying after class to help the playboy substitute teacher “Clap the erasers”.)

Maybe not, but it is still intriguing.

But what led us here?

Lizzy.

Lizzy is a twenty something airhead from an affluent side of the beach cities.

Her friend, who’s name is unknown at this time, comes from the same hood.

And the only reason I know Lizzy’s name?

Because her friend keeps repeating it.

The friend, let’s call her Whiny for lack of anything better, was already in the beach area Starbucks when Lizzy arrived.

Whiny has been sipping a $10 incredibly difficult coffee drink and texting like it will cure cancer since she arrived.

(I was here when she arrived. I am always here, I am not sure I ever leave.)

Lizzy came in wearing a beautiful outfit that nicely showed off her figure.

And a white mink shrug.

The fur took a beautiful girl and cranked her up into bombshell.

Whiny’s first, second, third and fourth comments:

“Lizzy?!?!” (When she saw the shrug)

“Lizzy!” (When Lizzy asked if she liked it.)

“Lizzy!!!” (When Lizzy snuggled her cheek into the fur and said it was real)

“Lizzy!” (With a condemning and envious head shake as she ran her hand along the fur.)

I have often mentioned that I have a hard time imagining a girl young enough that I might have fathered her to be sexually attractive to me. It is an intellectual thing. My mind shuts down the primal reaction.

But, Lizzy in white mink? Primal has tied up intellectual in the basement and will let him out only after the orgy is over.

That is pretty sexist, misogynistic and a few other things, but it is what it is.

One of the biggest mistakes of modern society is that we try to ignore that we are animals at the top of the food chain, and there is primal baggage that comes with that rise to power.

We are a picky bunch of Omnivores. (Look it up.)

We need to accept that existence causes an even balance of pluses and minuses.

Quit hammering one group because the deaths they cause are not as bad as, in you opinion, the deaths you cause. (Deny that one all day if you like, if you’re being honest, you are agreeing. Disagreement only means you’re dumb.)

Keep in mind, as I say this, a waitress just brought me my ham and eggs.

Not the best choice for a strict vegetarian, but what are you gonna do?

 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Because it’s Christmas.

Today is Christmas.

And the day starts early.

I was raised in a family where the family businesses were a transmission repair and a burger place.

So, you either became a mechanic or a short order cook.

And while I can do more under the hood of a car than most, I am a shit mechanic.

Short order cook it is.

And here is why this has anything to do with Christmas morning.

I cook breakfast.

For all my bitter faults and shitty bully instincts, I am the shit with a skillet.

Breakfast is one of those special meals of the day.

Everybody likes breakfast and those that don’t are suspect in my book.

Hitler, Dahmer and Manson never ate/eat breakfast, thats a fact.

And all three were either vegetarians or vegans, so draw your own conclusions.

Bacon, breakfast is all about bacon.

Its kind of the linchpin that holds it all together.

Breakfast without bacon is just eggs without a purpose.

Bacon is what you add to other foods to make them better.

I have roughly 4 pounds of bacon to cook.

It is a heady thing to have a shit load of bacon within arms reach.

Its kind of like having a real pig without having to feed and care for it, just keep it refrigerated.

There was a movement on Facebook by Paul McCartney awhile back that was called Glass Walls, or something like that.

The whole thing was hinged on the idea that the only reason people eat meat is that they do not realize that the pig had to be slaughtered in order to get the bacon.

It turns out, that not only did that not matter to people, but they may have started eating more bacon because of it.

For every Glass Walls Facebook page that you saw, 3-4 Bacon support pages popped up.

But, even with my love of Bacon, I have gone vegetarian, almost vegan.

Except for the meat, cannot give up charred animal flesh no matter what I do.

There is a joy in this world that comes to my heart in a purely vicious way when I announce that I am vegetarian to other vegetarians.

And then I proclaim my love of meat and dislike of vegetables.

You drop that line and then wait.

You can see it in their eyes, percolating.

The gears are clearly turning as they try to process the information, the concept, of the meat eating vegetarian.

But that delay is not their fault, their brain is underfed and weak.

In the end, they usually just shake their heads and wander off.

The lack of rage inducing testosterone in their system makes them non-confontational.  

So the carnivores just run rough-shod, rampaging across the land.

As God intended.

Merry Christmas.

 

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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