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The sound…….of Silence.

There is a vicious, scorched-earth, fully bi-polar argument going in Starbucks right now. Shit is being thrown out there that you should never say to someone you are sleeping with, much less a loved one.

In total silence.

There is a guy at a corner table who is deaf. He has his Iphone propped up against his coffee cup, and if I casually lean over, there is a dark haired woman signing furiously and angrily into her webcam.

I have no clue whats being said other than the expressions, unlike Spanish, which I can sound out. I don’t even know how to sign what day it is.

He has been signing furiously for thirty seconds and now slowly licked several of his fingers and it has seriously pissed off the woman on the phone even more than before. Sign language seems to have newer options for going dirty.

This is absolutely fascinating.

And then its over, he gets up and leaves, in total silence.

He may be deaf, but he still has the same issues we all do. Some more than others.

I couldn’t be deaf, I would go insane. Anger demands noise, that is basic human nature.

But on the same note, being deaf would make me impossible to be around as well. Most deaf people accept it and grow to enjoy it.

Not me.

For me, it would be like having a permanent case of the shits. Always there, always annoying. I would exist in this permanent cloud of pissy that would make me even more unpleasant than I am.

And I can be pretty unpleasant.

But I started wondering why the deaf guy has an Iphone to begin with, its not like he can use it.

And then it hits me like a smack with the big “Hey dumbfuck!” stick.

He is using his phone.

Maybe not how I would, but now everyone can use a phone. The technology has now caught up with the needs of the deaf.

In other words, the people that don’t need phones? They now need phones. And not just any phone, but one of the most expensive, high end phones on the market, with one of the costliest rate plans.

Very clever, AT&T. Or shall I just call you Mr. Jobs?

I can see it all now.

This is world wide conspiracy shit. This is like an Internet grassy knoll, data plan goes back….and to the left, broadband-Da Vinci code type thing.

Chilling.

Should I suddenly meet with some sort of suspicious accident, be aware that “They” had a hand in it.
(And by “Accident” I don’t mean like a child fouling himself. I have only done that once and it involved a lot of grain alcohol.)

I have begun poring over my cell bill, looking for some sort of code. Unfortunately, I think I have a better chance to crack the Beale Cipher, (Google it), than I do of figuring out the AT&T/Apple master plan.

But at least we know there is one.

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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When you least expect it…Evil Couple.

There are days that life decides to surprise you in a way that is so totally shocking, you almost don’t believe it.

I park about a quarter mile from my office, with Starbucks halfway in between. Its Manhattan Beach, parking sucks 24 7.

I was sending a text and not paying attention, just standing right in front of the escalator when a woman shoved past me. We never touched, but I still felt bad because I was blocking the way.

“Oh, sorry.” I muttered and stepped onto the escalator, right behind the woman I had blocked.

She turned and glared at me, saying nothing. My eyes widened a bit in recognition.

Mrs. Evil Couple.

“Excuse me.” A friendly voice sounded from behind me. I stepped to the side and an older man in surgical scrubs stepped politely past me.

Mr. Evil Couple.

Oh shit!

I am in the scene today. Its like winning a small prize unexpectedly.

“You didn’t need to run off like that.” He stands next to her, looking straight ahead.

“This sounds like your problem, not mine.”

For a second, I am confused by her statement, but then I realize that she is talking on her phone. She ignores his comment.

“Your car smells like shit, I don’t like to ride in it.” As she inclines her head to indicate him, it becomes apparent that she is arguing on the phone with someone, and with her husband, in person.

Multitask arguing. This woman is a dynamo.

I have to remind myself that they don’t realize that I consider their life to be my entertainment.

It is evil, all by itself, But I’m good with it.

I try to act casual and just meander towards Starbucks, and still stay close enough to hear them. I am aided in this by several other people all going in the same direction.

Based on his comments, he was about to pull into a parking spot when she bolted from the car. I am not sure why they rode together, as I had the impression that they rode separately and just met up at Starbucks. I am floored by what he says next.

“The dealership with have your car by tonight, they had to send to San Diego for one the right color.” He sounds apologetic.

“Whatever.” She shits on his attempt at nice.

He bought this bitch a new car?

I know how bad that sounds. Don’t judge me, you weren’t there.

Last I heard her car was being fixed because she hit it with a pole. Her anger then was directed at her husband because he allowed the insurance company to raise her premium, which they do when you hit a pole.

She ignores him and begins arguing with the person on the phone.

“She is old and I have no patience with her.” That little tidbit comes drifting back as we enter Starbucks. Drawing once again on my total lack of manners and listening in during previous conversations, I come to the conclusion that she is arguing with her sister about thier mother. She has stated before to her sister that their mother would have to go live either in a home or with the sister. Her classic comment during that little exchange was that the home can’t be so close to her house that “I feel guilty that I don’t see her every week.”

Lotta love going on there.

If I could have planned this morning, I don’t know that I could have thought of something more delightful. I am almost giddy.

She leaves him to order and walks over to the bathroom while still arguing with her sister. I hear the F word echoing back out of the little alcove with the bathroom door.

She tries the door and finds it locked.

She begins to knock, slowly, loudly and deliberately. And she doesn’t stop.

Awesome.

I use that word a lot when I describe Mrs. Evil’s antics. I am so in awe of the arrogant disdain she views the world around her and her total lack of caring what anyone, including her husband, thinks.

I counted the number of knocks. At 75, the door opened and a thoroughly embarrassed woman came out. The woman tried to glare at her, but it bounced off of Mrs. Evil as she steps briskly past and shuts the door.

The woman, red faced and pissed, finally just stomps off. She can’t win this and she knows it.

It makes me wonder why her husband hasn’t stomped off, years ago. What power does she have over him? Pictures of him having sex with animals? Drugs? Did her family finance medical school for him?

Maybe its a sex thing. A close friend of mine made the comment about this very subject that she, and I am quoting her, “must suck great cock.” Its a crude statement, but I have seen marriages based on weirder shit.

And who knows, maybe she does.

In the end, that is all I get from them today. A few minutes later, Mrs. Evil walks out of the bathroom and sails past her husband, who happened to be getting their coffee creations from the barrista.

He looked around like a little kid who realized mom has left him in the store alone. He took off, trying to catch up.

Good luck, pal.

She has been several steps ahead of you for years.

Sic semper tyrannis

 
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Posted by on August 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The first FB posts about the evil couple.

Willy McKinley
Sitting in Starbucks while the couple next to me is having a hideous argument.
May 25 at 8:30am · Privacy:Friends Only · LikeUnlike ·

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Rebecca Standridge, Vicki Morris Nardone and 2 others like this.
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Willy McKinley They just exchanged the ritual bastard/bitch name calling. IT’S ON!
May 25 at 8:42am · LikeUnlike · 4 peopleLoading…
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Stacy Herring Saez Keep us posted!
May 25 at 8:50am · LikeUnlike
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Rachel Picard Oooo… let us know when someone gets a drink thrown in their face!
May 25 at 9:00am · LikeUnlike
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Susie M Henderson Wilkinson Update plez – love that stuff!! Lol
May 25 at 9:19am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley Arguing over your kids should never degenerate into the wife accusing the husband of being either gay or in love with their own mother. And a husband should never accuse his wife of being frigid in a Starbucks. I should start a blog.
May 25 at 9:20am · LikeUnlike
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Susie M Henderson Wilkinson LMAO!!! Except the kid part…. !
May 25 at 9:23am · LikeUnlike
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Christy Myers As the stomach turns
May 25 at 9:23am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley He thinks the twins should be in separate classes. She doesn’t. That is the starting point. Are you F-ing kidding me?
May 25 at 9:27am · LikeUnlike
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Donell Gereau O’Brien AND…….what happen to the blog?
May 25 at 10:12am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley There is a dark side of my soul that really enjoyed being right there.
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Willy McKinley
Meanwhile, back at Starbuck’s, the fighting couple are here, and they are on their FRICKIN’ honeymoon! Its a bipolar relationship. WTF?!?!
June 1 at 8:08am · Privacy:Friends Only · LikeUnlike ·

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Vicki Morris Nardone likes this.
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Willy McKinley Honeymoons over. They are arguing about money now. She said his father was retarded. I would cold cock her over that one.
June 1 at 8:28am · LikeUnlike
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Karen Goldstein-Eubanks You need to find out from the staff how often they come in so you can plan accordingly and you never miss their fights.
June 1 at 8:44am · LikeUnlike
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Krista Linkogle-Kaplan Great entertainment in the morning!!
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Willy McKinley
Boring day at Starbuck’s. No drama. Odd how fast you get used to that.
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Willy McKinley
Angry wife just stomped into Starbucks. No sign of husband. Will there be a game today? Waiting…………
June 8 at 8:12am · Privacy:Friends Only · LikeUnlike ·
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Ezequiel Argueta, Vicki Morris Nardone and 2 others like this.
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Bob Tappan I don’t think all that caffeine is helping them.
June 8 at 8:15am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley Husband just arrived. They are being pleasant, but she is quiet and glaring.
June 8 at 8:22am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley They are arguing about Posturpedic beds.
June 8 at 8:25am · LikeUnlike
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Tracy De Long I love your updates about the Starbucks couple!!
June 8 at 8:34am · LikeUnlike · 2 peopleLoading…
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Willy McKinley She said he treats his secretary like servant, or a whore. Her foot hurts and it is his fault because he is a Dr.
June 8 at 8:38am · LikeUnlike
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Stacy Herring Saez This needs to be a novel. I’m hooked!
June 8 at 8:43am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley He was trying to text a friend to arrange dinner and was questioning what to text. She snatched it out of his hand and said he “Doesn’t know shit.”
June 8 at 8:43am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley And the Czech accent makes it so much worse.
June 8 at 8:43am · LikeUnlike
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Bob Tappan Czech accent is bad? I could listen to Zuzana at bodyrock.tv talk all day long…
June 8 at 8:45am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley Thats because she’s hot, Bob.
June 8 at 8:48am · LikeUnlike
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Bob Tappan Fair enough.
June 8 at 9:06am · LikeUnlike
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Christy Myers And so are the days of our lives
June 8 at 10:29am · LikeUnlike
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Madelon Ries Gerety My Starbucks is not exciting at all!
June 8 at 12:31pm · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley I have been accused of making up the StarBuck’s couple. I can assure you that they exist.
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Willy McKinley
So people…….what’s up?
June 15 at 7:48am · Privacy:Friends Only · LikeUnlike ·

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Christy Myers why aren’t you at Starbucks giving us an update?
June 15 at 10:15am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley They have been missing.
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Willy McKinley
At Starbucks and they are not here. The young twenties something girl next to me is being snotty with her boyfriend on the phone. Sigh…….its not the same. God I miss them.
June 21 at 7:51am · Privacy:Friends Only · LikeUnlike ·

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Christine Staley, Karen Goldstein-Eubanks, Lisa Dignan Christiansen and 2 others like this.
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Christy Myers NOOOOOOOOOO
June 21 at 9:58am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley I know. The girl was an amateur. I got a slap-fight when I was ready for a war.
June 21 at 10:16am · LikeUnlike · 1 personLoading…
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Megan McKinley what?
June 21 at 10:46am · LikeUnlike
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Willy McKinley There is a couple that argue every morning at Starbuck’s. They haven’t been there for a few days and I miss them.
June 21 at 10:47am · LikeUnlike
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Christy Myers Maybe they are on vacation? They have to come back
June 21 at 11:27am · LikeUnlike
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Megan McKinley lol thats nice dad.
June 21 at 12:50pm · LikeUnlike
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Stacey Rennie I miss them too
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And then the blog started.
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Posted by on August 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The startling conclusion….(Evil Couple part 2)

The best description I have come up with for Mrs. Evil Couple is that her whole manner for dealing with people is that she thinks you are a moron, and she is sick of your shit. And she treats everyone this way, the cashier, Barrista, people in line and at the cream and sugar kiosk and that also includes her husband.
The husband paid with out saying anything, just took his change and sat down.
The wife was attempting to call someone who was not answering their phone, loudly sighing each time she dialed and got no answer.
When the husband sat down, the fun began.
It is customary that when the fight starts, the fighters touch gloves and are warned to protect themselves at all times.
Not this woman.
He had gotten both of their coffees, sat down and had just dialed and put the phone to his ear when she reached over and grabbed his wrist, pulling HIS phone away from HIS head.
“I am not happy with the upstairs remodel, I want the other one.”  She said, picking up her coffee without even a thanks. I realize that it should not make her sound more evil that she has a Czech accent, but it does.
His face was a mask of confusion. “What? The contractors started on that two days ago!”
She doesn’t miss a beat. “I don’t care, it is horrible. I want it changed.”
“But this was the design you wanted-”
“Fine, you move into that room, I won’t let the boys sleep there.”
“My father said that the colors-”
“I don’t want to hear what your father has to say, he is so stupid, sometimes I think he’s retarded.”
The confused slash pained look on his face is that of a man that realizes he is now fucked, no matter what he does.
She sips her latte and all but spits it on the table.  “You got it too hot, again.”
He runs a hand thru his hair, trying to get his brain in synch again.
“I can talk to the contractor before lunch, let him know you want to make a change.” He taps a note to himself on his Blackberry.
My gut instinct is to despise this guy for having no backbone.
However, I know something about dealing with difficult women. He is just keeping his head down like a man being shot at by a crazy person.
He decided to try a different direction. He taps his Blackberry.
“Sean texted me earlier, he and Julie would like us to go to dinner sometime this week, I didn’t know what night would be best.” He waited for her to consider.
She is not having any of that common courtesy shit from him.
“Thats because you don’t know shit.” She mutters under her breath and snatches, yes snatches his Blackberry up and begins, I assume, to reply to HIS text on HIS Blackberry.
He is fuming the whole time. When she is done, she puts it down and they lock eyes for a few seconds, before he breaks eye contact.
She actually smiled as she picked up her coffee, which two seconds ago was too hot to drink, and took a huge sip.
“The soy has gone bad.” She made another face.
He busied himself with his phone. His brows peeked at something on his Blackberry.
“My mom wants us to come out to come stay for the weekend.”
“Ugh, I can’t deal with your parents right now.” Yeah, she looks like she is stressing, about important stuff, like getting her hair combed.
“I would like to see my mom.”
“Then you should have married her, I think you must be queer for her.” In my family, the fistfight would have just begun.
He is done. He puts his hands down, palms flat on the table in front and leans in.
“Quit being a bitch!” His voice is low, pitched for her ears only, still kind of polite.
“Quit being such a faggot BASTARD!” Her voice is loud, pitched for the guy in the bathroom to hear clearly. The Czech accent just ratchets this up another notch.
The Starbucks has come to a standstill. It exists in this awkward pocket of time.
Delicious.
The hang time on this one is agonizing.
And just as quickly, its over.
His Blackberry buzzes. He picks it up and reads it, the tension oddly draining out of him.
WTF?
“Sean likes Friday, we should go to the Hawaiian place again.”
She smiles, no shit, she smiles. “I like the bacon rice.”
They stand and get ready to leave.
“Can I walk you to the office?”
He smiles like they just met and she did not just shit on him in public.
“Sure.”
I sit stunned and confused. This had nothing to do with me, I was just a witness.
But I still feel dirty.

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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In the Beginning…(Evil Couple – Part 1)

    This is the last flashback I will write. The only reason I am doing this is because I have gotten several emails from people interested in how I first met the Evil Couple. It runs longer than I am used to, so I will break it up into 2-3 blogs.

Let me first state that I am not stalking these people. I just happen to frequent the same Starbucks that they do. I can say that I frequent here a lot more now just because of them.

I like to stop by Starbuck’s prior to work and write, surf the net, answer emails…etc. One of my unfortunate habits is that I listen in on other peoples conversations. For the most part, this is boring.

And then I met……..Them.

When Thoreou said that most men live lifes of quiet desperation, he wasn’t just talking out of his ass. If you listen to someone elses conversation, it is inane and dumb. My conversations to, for the most part.

I first noticed them in line.

She is about 5’7, maybe 150. In her late 30’s. Blonde hair that would hang to the middle of her back, if there was any style to it. Instead, it kind of shoots out from the side of her head in kind of a blonde, “Roseanne Roseanna Danna” look for Saturday Night live fans. Its a lowered blonde afro for those who don’t watch. Her face is european, Czech type features. Cleaned up and dressed properly, this is a good looking woman. She wears a none-descript t-shirt that is XXL baggy. She is exceptional busty, and after turning to the side, there is enough jiggle to tell me that she is not wearing a bra. When each breast moves independent of its partner, something is up. She is wearing sweat pants made popular by Arnold Schwartzenegger back in the 70’s, when he was working out at Muscle Beach in Venice.
Standing behind her is a man in surgical scrubs. He is mid to late forties, distinguished, you would trust your life to him. Well groomed.

And they were together.

I know this because he was turned, looking at something outside the window when the next spot at the register opened up. She noticed that he was turned away and didn’t see, so she flicked out her hand, tapping him to get his attention.

And hit him in the nuts.

To be fair, it was low, but I couldn’t tell if it was a true nut shot.

His head whipped around quick enough, so it could have been.

She spoke to the cashier in low tones, her voice clipped and fast, but too low for me to hear.

The cashier was a little slow to grab the cup and begin writing. >

So she took it from him, the pen too.

    What caught my eye was that it was such a casually crappy thing to do, both me and the cashier were stunned.

    She finally handed it back and walked off, without a thank you, go to hell, an offer to pay, nothing.

    Awesome.

 
9 Comments

Posted by on July 29, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Better late than never

Just as I was about to leave and head to work, my favorite angry couple came in.

I think I’ll hang out.

There is a new player on the field. They have a young girl that appears to be a niece?

The wife is the sweetest I have ever seen. She is laughing and batting at his arm like a teenager on her first date.

The first sign of trouble comes with the choice of seating. The husband found a table near the entry. She never likes that. I have noticed that she prefers being at the back of the room, in the dark, like most creatures of the night. However, she is not willing to rip him a new one in front of the niece.

And it would appear that the barrista has pooched her soy latte. In the past this has been recipe for her loudly declaring that he is a “retarded asshole.” Him being her husband.

Nothing.

I am being ripped off here. This is pitiful. Her stellar performances of the past are tainted based on this.

The niece goes to use the bathroom.

The bathroom door closes and the wife opens up on him. Her voice is carrying over the whole starbucks, asking if he “is trying to shit on her day? Is he Stupid? “ Even the cashier has stopped working and the whole place is now this really awkward vibed pocket of time.

The niece is back. All returns to normal.

I am redeemed.

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Half of my favorite couple!!!!

Husband seems to be MIA this morning. But the wife is here. Better, she is on the phone and talking loud enough for me to hear.

Joy!

A reference made concerning “mom” leads me to believe she is talking to her sister.

Her car is “A piece of shit” that is being repaired. As the conversation continues, it becomes evident that some body work is being done on her Mercedes.  She hit something and is angry that the body work is not covered by the warranty, so the “thieves” are going to use this as an excuse to raise the insurance cost. Her husband is being a coward and not standing up to them. Evidently, calling to yell at the insurance company would make them pay for it without raising the premium.

I love this woman.

There is a certain glow that surrounds that level of arrogance and delusion. As she has stated in the past, in the mornings, she feeds and dresses the twins, then drops them off at school. All of this is done with, I assume, her snarly attitude and sweat pants. Not even the hot girl yoga pants that are popular these days. Her sweat pant of choice is the thick gray sweat pants they wore at muscle beach 20 years ago.  And a t-shirt without, unless I am blind, no bra. This is a woman who has birthed twins less than a decade ago and is sporting DD’s.

Her entire manner is that of someone that is tired of your shit and thinks you are a moron. She treats everyone the same way. Cashier, barrista, people at the cream and sugar kiosk, and, of course, her husband.

Where is he, anyway? I don’t know that I have ever seen her without him, despite the fact that he must dream of being without her. A funny thought occurred to me. Some men fantasize about other women during sex with their wives. This guy must push himself up and over the top with thoughts of her losing her voice for a week or being away from the house for extended times.

She just told her sister that their mother is not able to live alone and should either go live with the sister or go to a home somewhere. Quote “Not close enough that I feel bad that I don’t go see her every week”.

This woman is the devil.

I have been accused of fabricating the entire “Starbucks couple” as a work of fiction.

Thank you.

The fact that anyone thinks I am a good enough writer to make this level of wicked up makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Always with coffee involved…

Dateline: Bishop, CA.

At the Shell station on the outskirts of town, we gassed up. Deb obsessively scrubbed a dead bug off of the windshield that had been in her vision path for the last 250 miles.

Its morning, and my primary mission once gas is pumped, is to secure some java. With the pure intentions of the caffeine addicted, I went into the mini market.

The coffee appeared to be a premium brand that I had not heard of before. Since I am not one to fuss when I am in need, I grabbed a 24 ounce cup and waited for the older guy, 70’s or so, to finish his pour.

“Looks like you enjoy your caffeine.” I realized he was talking to me when he stopped pouring and gestured to my cup with the pot. He looked like a relative of mine from down South around Atlanta.

“You could say that.” I smiled and held out my cup.

After he topped me off, he finished his and put the pot back. He didn’t touch the cream and sugar, which didn’t shock me. That generation was big on having their coffee “Fighter pilot” black.

I creamed and sugared my trough of joe as the old guy paid for his coffee.

“Morning, Bob.” The guy behind the counter looked to be roughly the same age, and obviously knew him.

“Morning, Len.” The old guy put his coffee down and made a show of digging out his wallet.

“Len, can you tell me what in THE hell is wrong with the meskins in this town?”

I hadn’t heard the word “meskins” since I spent my last summer down in Georgia with my daddy’s family. His resemblence to one of my relatives was getting stronger by the minute.

Len chuckled and took the offered bill for the coffee. “What now?”

“I about had to kill one of the meskins that works for me Friday.” Bob sighed, pocketing his change.

“Thats the whole damned problem, Len. All of ’em, illegal as hell and high as a kite.”

Bob saluted with his coffee and walked out to his pick up truck and drove off.

Something about coffee just brings out the best in people.

 

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Do you realize what you are saying?

  We live in a world where 50% of everyone you see on your way to work is on their cell phone. And with the advent of more communication, more marriages are breaking up due to “Lack of communication.” We are talking more, but hearing less.

  And then theres me. I hear a lot. Certainly not what’s said to me, ask my ex-wife about that one. But I hear what people say to others around me.

  In other words, I listen in.

  There is a guy on his phone in my favorite Starbucks right now, that is talking on his cell phone to a friend, possibly his attorney, about his strategy to F-over his soon to be ex-wife. Loudly, with everyone around able to hear it. At the same time, he is making side comments to a woman I believe he met in line. They are both waiting for they’re coffee creations. She is being polite and I think he imagines himself to be sweetly dangerous with the ladies. I appreciate an asshole attitude on occasion, but this guy is a complete bastard.

  Judging from the expressions of everyone around him, the crowd agrees. I think I just saw the Barrista spit in his latte.

  From the look on his face, his lawyer just tried to call him on his proposed behavior. His only comment?

  “The kids are young, they’ll get over it.”

  Wow.

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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