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Tag Archives: superstition

We’re all gonna die. Just saying.

I try not to work on Friday the 13th, as a general rule.

This is not new, we’ve discussed this before.

Its not because I’m superstitious or anything.

I just have a healthy respect for tradition and also, I am convinced that bad luck and an old gypsy woman’s curse will kill me horribly on that day.

Call me a pussy, I don’t care.

If you ask me, there is not enough respect for fear-driven urban legend.

And I am not talking about the “Don’t flash your lights at another car that have their’s off at night, its a gang initiation, they’ll turn around and kill you.” Kind of modern day crap.

I am talking about the ones that are several hundred years old, well, like Friday the 13th.

No wonder they made it into a scary movie.

Scary movies exist to scare us, that much is true.

On the surface.

But underneath, there is a whole other psychological game being played.

Scary movies exist to rub our noses in the primal fear of death.

That is what they are really about.

Primal fear is a gift you acquire at birth and it follows you thru life, like a combination lost puppy/grim reaper that you cannot shake.

Not to be confused with Catholic guilt, which is another type of guilt entirely, self inflicted and even harder to shake.

Primal fear and Catholic guilt are both irrational fears.

Catholic is only slightly easier to navigate.

Primal fear encompasses everything in the world that could kill you.

Catholic guilt encompasses everything in life that you might do wrong.

Subtle difference, but a discernible one.

Sometimes, they crossover and are the same fear.

Except, especially at those times, fixing one doesn’t necessarily fix the other.

That concept of fixing a problem and it still not being fixed is a tough one to get the first time it occurs to you.

Mainly because it is an unsatisfying answer, and unsatisfying answers are never easy to swallow.

They are the “Cod Liver Oil” of answers. They may do the job, but they make you feel sick while doing it.

Its a little like being in a relationship and having an argument.

You may win the argument, and you are still screwed.

Like winning the battle but losing the war.

Except this is worse, you are sleeping with the enemy as it were.

Myself, much like all vermin, I thrive on conflict and confrontation, preferably as a witness.

I would use “Fly on the wall” but I find them repulsive. (The whole eating thru vomiting thing is tough to get around. Imagine two girls one cup National Geographic style.)

What does any of this have to do with Friday the 13th?

Today is the day when I avoid human contact.

If I avoid dealing with people and/or machines, they cannot blow up and try to kill me.

That sounds paranoid, right up until you look at insurance company statistics.

More insurance claims are made for accidental death and dismemberment list today as the day of infamy.

I don’t need that kind of pressure.

I am perfectly capable of maiming myself without nature lending an evil hand.

 
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Posted by on June 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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If it weren’t for hockey.

Rain has come to Southern California.

You would think it was a plague of frogs, judging by the over reactions of some people.

Its just water, for Christ’s sake.

Here is a verbatim conversation from the table next to me.

“Look at that.”

“Dude.”

“Man, how am I gonna get home?”

“Dude.”

“Thats not safe!”

“Dude.”

The participants in this little exchange are late teens to early twenties, totally lending credibility to my theory that pretty much everyone in that age range are functionally ‘tarded. (Don’t email me, I mean it in the good way.)

And, just judging from the hip, both of these boy’s Kush cards are up to date and probably well worn.

But, hey, no brains, no headaches.

Back to the subject at hand.

Water.

Its about as basic nature as it gets.

But people like these two still freak out.

And the sad thing is, its not even raining too hard.

This is one of the side effects of living in Southern California.

The ground may shake every now and then, but you can still go surfing afterwards.

But let the skies weep a little bit and half of the local indigenous population will shit themselves.

Could be worse, I’m just not sure how.

I lived in Portland, Oregon for a few years, and they are the exact opposite.

It rains roughly 9 months out of the year, so you are always a little soggy.

You don’t even notice it after awhile.

That is how you know a tourist in Portland, they are the only ones carrying umbrellas.

But, a little after my 3rd month of moving in, there was a 2.6 earthquake, really rare.

Within 30 seconds of a shaker so weak you could barely feel it, my neighbors were out in the middle of the street, some in their pajamas.

There was some talk of the need to hoard canned goods and drink toilet water.

I think everyplace has something that the locals will freak out about.

Its in human nature to pick out something that rarely happens and then treat it like the terrifying first time every time it happens.

Gotta wonder how this started.

Probably in Canada somewhere.

And I only say that because, in the grand scheme of things, the Canadians are the guilty red-headed stepchild of North America who’s only redeeming contribution to the world is the great sport of hockey and Wayne Gretzky.

I am sure the Canadians started the trend of fear that now plagues the world.

Some Canuck ran into something unusual and freaked out. Something that you rarely see in Canada, like a bar of soap or a job, then all hell broke loose.

(I love smacking Canada, they’re such victims.)

All kidding aside, its the frightful superstition that really shapes our traditions.

Most holidays are based on them.

Would we have Halloween without someone, somewhere, being scared shitless about something the Canadians had done? (Did you really think I was done with that?)

Fear is a great motivator in life, don’t discount it.

Fear can be a better motivator than sex.

In that period immediately after you finally get sex of any sort, you can be afraid of something.

Hell, depending on who you had sex with, you could be afraid of what your new found friend might have given you.

(Better hope she’s not Canadian.)

 
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Posted by on March 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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A day for clenching your ass cheeks.

Friday the 13th, are you fucking kidding me?

I hate this day.

When I was younger, I figured I would come to a point where it wouldn’t bother me anymore.

Not working out.

From the moment I see it coming up on the calendar, I am filled with a sincere feeling of dread.

My ass is in full clench from the moment I get up to the moment I fall fitfully to sleep.

And there is a voice in the back of my head that is SURE that the second I relax I will get rickets or aids or bite by a dog or something.

Like a foamy mouthed pitbull.

The breed used in the line above is to piss off a friend that rescues pitbulls.

I like to stack the “Piss off” deck every now and then.

Maybe it is due to still recovering from a lack of sleep after flying in on that flying gulag known as SouthWest airlines.

(Also got an email protesting my description of what SouthWest did to my flight schedule as “Slipping it a roofy and raping it without a condom.” And that is STILL funny.)

However, it could be a sense of dread that comes with the understanding that Friday could be the day the shit hits the fan.

Not sure, zombie holocaust type of shit, but definitely shit of some sort.

I gassed up my car and checked the oil.

Checked my stockpile of canned goods and potable water.

Made sure my ammo stash is full.

Dropped by the church and lit a few candles, I am hedging all bets at this point.

And I am still not ready.

But there is only so much you can do, other than hiding out and laying low on the day in question.

Which I am planning to do.

Don’t call me, don’t text me, and don’t even think about trying to Skype me.

I am not answering shit.

If you see me Friday, its because you are hiding in my closet and what the hell is wrong with you?

The internet is not helping.

I just found a website that has dozens of horrid things that have all happened on Friday the 13th.

The last thing I need right now are facts, mainly because the fantasy in my head is powerful enough to keep me sleepless for weeks.

So, let that be the only warning I will give.

Lay low, avoid strangers and strange things, and above all, keep me out of it.

 

Wrote the previous a few days ago.

Seems a little dour on the re-read.

Good.

I wouldn’t want everyone but me to take this less serious than I.

My plan? I will spend my day with a rabbit’s foot in one hand and a St. Christopher medal in the other and both ass cheeks in full clench for the entire day.

Swamp ass? It goes without saying.

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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