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Because I do stupid shit.

I have never claimed to have a strangle hold on clever shit.

So it doesn’t shock me when I find myself doing something stupid, that I find out is a lot stupider than I thought at first.

My iPhone comes with Siri, my cyber mistress.

She sets my reminders, alarms, appointments, answers my questions with her little dry comments.

True, we will never consummate the relationship, but what she does for me is critical.

A week ago, while screwing around in the phone settings, I found that I could give Siri an accent.

So she has been Australian for the last week.

Its been cute, her little accent.

It was amusing, right up until my texting stopped working.

It has been a frustrating week.

I am a lazy texter, there in lies the problem.

I rarely type on my phone, my fingers are a little clumsy and I tend to hit several letters.

Speech to text is much better.

And now its not working.

The speech to text is pooched and cannot recognize shit.

I have been meaning to call tech support, but found myself too busy.

Do you see it now? I sure as hell didn’t.

I was just about to leave the gym, standing sweaty and exhausted in my judo gi, waiting to talk with one of the trainers.

I wonder…

Just for shits and giggles, I changed Siri’s voice back to English.

I tried a trial speech to text message to the girlfriend.

And what do you know? It worked perfect.

And then came the stupid feeling.

That moment when you realize that you were the source of your own torment. Your stupidity has been teasing you like some sort of schoolyard bully, making you miserable the whole time.

And there is no one to blame but yourself.

Which sucks.

Its always more pleasant to have someone to blame.

At least I have always thought so.

Blame is good, blame is fun, mainly because blame is someone elses fault.

And I am good with that.

For God’s sake, I can’t be guilty for everything.

Let’s spread this around.

One entity I would like to blame? Right now, right at my table at Starbucks at this moment I would like to blame Starbucks.

For the music.

I once compared Starbucks to a teenager, constantly going thru phases of music appreciating.

That had been mellowing for several months, and while the music still couldn’t be described by any sane person as “Good”, at least it didn’t suck.

Till today.

The teenage persona of Starbucks that picks out the music has developed ADD. Badly.

Mellow incomprehensible jazz was playing when I first came in. The kind of jazz that is identified as “Good jazz”. So good, its almost impossible to listen to without developing a migraine.

Then we moved on to Some sort of a Latin/Rumba torch song that may or may not have had the sounds of a cat being killed in the background.

Barely had that ended when a Russian folk song came on, totally incomprehensible in slurred Russian. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Leonid.

And then the soulful strains of a acoustic guitar playing hipster came on, butchering a top 40 song from the 80’s.

This is the missing tenth circle of Hell that Dante spoke of. (Or forgot to speak of.)

Now my coffee tastes off.

Starbucks is in the torture game, it seems.

Waterboarding must be next. (Still don’t consider that torture.)

But at least I have done no wrong here.

So you can’t blame me.

And that is what its all about.

(No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog.)

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Fabulously stupid.

Have you ever asked yourself why we do this?

I am not sure what “This” is, I am just wondering why we do what we do.

Motivation is always a mystery.

I write this blog for a fairly twisted collection of reasons.

The innocent ones are recognition, a desire to make people laugh and the satisfaction of doing it.

The evil side of me is a rotten fucking bully that really enjoys the sarcasm, occasional obscenity, and picking apart people and ideas in a fairly cruel way.

And I am good with that.

Best not to let stuff build up, better to let it out.

Like an asshole pressure release valve. (NOT a reference to my high fiber supplement.)

One of my issues that take up skull space is why OTHER people do what they do.

Because sometimes they do it for stupid reason.

And that is not just me being mean, it is, but the reasons themselves are stupid by any measure.

Case in point, the dizzy bitch at the next table.

I am in the newly remodeled Starbucks in downtown Manhattan.

The amount of wealth in this section of town is pretty intense.

It ain’t Brentwood, but at least OJ isn’t hiding in the bushes.

And this woman’s issue is this:

They towed her car for either parking illegally, or they repoed it for not making her payments.

This would be a normal fuck up for the rest of but for her, it is worse.

She is talking to someone on a new iPhone 5S, her bluetooth is a model that I am familiar with, it costs several hundred. The iPad on the table in front of her is the latest model. The car that got pinched is a 2013 Mercedes.

S Class.

In short, she has cash.

As the phone conversation continues, it becomes apparent that if it was towed for illegal parking, it was justified. (Quote: “YES, the sign says no stopping any time, but who reads those?” Hint – The meter maid does.)

And if the car was repoed for none payment, it was justified as well. (Quote: “I couldn’t figure out the auto pay thingy, but they act like I will NEVER pay it.”)

It would actually do this bitch good to have to hoof it across town for a few days.

I am not ready start Occupy Manhattan Beach, but this 1%er deserves some shit in her life.

And its all because of the attitude.

But what are her motivations?

They appear to be centered around money.

The money that she is evidently not paying to the bank, but the money that is coming from a source other than solid hard work.

My guess is daddy.

Daddy actually paints the picture that she is younger.

If I had to peg it, I would put her at mid-30’s.

That is past that “Old enough to know better.” Age that the rest of us recognize the need to get your shit together.

Daddy must have worked hard in order to provide the lifestyle she is both accustomed to and thoroughly fucking it all up, to listen to this brainless idiot tell it.

She is all kinds of stupid and has NO clue.

I thought for a moment about explaining it to her.

Not in the vein of trying to help, but more from the perspective of trying to piss her off.

Meh, too much trouble.

Besides, she’s not my type.

I prefer my women to be a lot less tarded than this.

Just a personal thing.

 
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Posted by on November 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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