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A little like Romeo and Juliet (Maybe)

There is a time and a place to lose your shit in a bad relationship.

But early morning at Starbucks is not the place.

Let me introduce Rudy and Tam.

Do we all remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? 

The star-crossed lovers that had a love so strong that the apparent lack made life not worth living?

Yeah, this has nothing to do with them.

Rudy and Tam have a different story.

Depending on how you view this, they are either in the middle of a really horrible breakup or this is just another day in the middle of one of the most dysfunctional relationships I have ever seen.

Lets meet Rudy and Tam, shall we?

Ladies first.

Tam is 2 women in one. 

Literally.

She is double the width and weight of your average woman. 

I don’t view that as fat-shaming as much as being mildly observant. 

She is also a mix of various clothing styles. 

Ugg boots are always nice, but striped rainbow thigh-high socks throws off the look badly.

Also, and this is just a personal choice, a tight tube top loses its charm when its 3 sizes too small and pushes the muffin top out to the point of needing a new name.

The Mushroom Cloud.

I have reread and edited the last few sentences several times to try and get it under the “Being Mean” wire and I finally have just given up. 

Some of you will read it and get your panties in a twist over it, and I will have to somehow live with that. (Let’s be honest, I have said worse and you were ok with it for a variety of reasons. If you are going to be a regular here, you are going to need to roll with an extra set of undies.)

Anyway, now that the wardrobe description is out of the way, like any movie set, the last step is hair and makeup.

The hair is a progressive mix of old school chola hair spray high mixed with black and a sickly strip of grey. 

The makeup has raccoon style black eyes and enough lipstick to make a professional clown say “Damn”!

This description is harsh and intentionally mean mainly because I don’t like her. (Plus, this is my world and I get to be a prick if I want to.)

As if this little visual treat is not enough to catch my eye, she is alternating between whispering hideously angry shit at Rudy, but ending each sentence with a 2 syllable scream.

“Mumblemumblemumble, FUCKING RUDY!!!” 

As far as vulgar public displays go, its not bad, I have seen worse, but it’s been awhile. 

Rudy, for his part, sits like a soldier experiencing severe PTSD, and maybe he is. 

This woman is the closest thing to the Vietnam war I have seen.

And how long has Rudy been dealing with this conflict?

Its like the relationship version of the “1000 yard stare”.

And he doesn’t move, like at all.

He just stares straight ahead and sips his coffee. 

And eventually, his strategy, or lack of, pays off. 

She stops. 

Breathing heavy, with a twitch in her left eye she just sits and glares at him. 

And then, in a most unsatisfying way, its over.

Rudy just gets up and walks out, trudging like the weary soldier he is.

And Tam follows. 

To her, the movement is like the bell in a boxing match. 

It’s back on. 

Outside, she seems to be screaming for the whole sentence now. (Loud enough to be heard thru the big bay window. 

Good luck, Rudy. 

You’re going to need it, son. 

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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The Dick Tracy triggering post

Does anyone remember Dick Tracy?

For the millennial’s in the crowd, first off, congrats on being able to read, check you out! But, for those born after most cool stuff happened, let me do some age-splaining for you. (Age-splaining is when someone older and wiser takes time out of their busy blog post to condescendingly inform you of something that you don’t know because it isn’t on social media.)

Dick Tracy was a comic strip about a detective that came in the Sunday comics portion of the newspaper. (Made out of paper! OH THE HORROR!)

It syndicated to hundreds of newspapers nationwide for no reason I can fathom. 

It sucked. 

They even tried making a movie out of it in the 80’s with Warren Beatty and Madonna.

It was an unqualified piece of shit from beginning to end. 

But from the comic strip to the movie, the one thing that stood out was the villains.

They were the laziest creations known to man. 

They all had names based on physical attributes or actions. 

There was one called “Redrum, the man without a face.” (He was a hitman, duh his name was murder spelled backwards. They drew him by just not drawing his face.)

One character they drew with a bunch of wrinkles and called him “Pruneface” (He looked shockingly like a scrotum. It was creepy 

If you’re still reading this, I know the question you want to ask.

WHO GIVES A SHIT?

I do, and hears why.

There are 3 Dick Tracy villains in Starbucks right now.

I was sipping my morning addiction when I looked up and began laughing. It made me laugh loud, and it wasn’t even that funny. (Some of these are just for me.)

And here is the villains that made me laugh:

  1. Flat Top Jones. The Dick Tracy villain had a flat head and combed his hair out flat over it. Our Flat Top has a normal head, but an afro that he combed out flat. Its a freakish look that I have never seen before. 
  2. Mumbles. You guessed it, he mumbles. So does the modern-day Starbucks version of Mumbles. Non-stop mumbling while staring at his laptop. I took the opportunity to look at coffee mugs for sale on the shelves behind him. He is watching semi obscene anime that borders on hentai. (Anime porn) No clue what he is mumbling. There is a creep factor that is off the charts at this point.
  3. Two face. The Dick Tracy version was a man with half his face mangled, the other half perfect. The Starbucks version is a Millennial that is on her cell phone, loudly defending the fact that she slept with her friend’s boyfriend and then told her about it because she “Couldn’t live with herself she was so guilty.”. Of course, that horrific guilt didn’t keep her legs together. Like an act of nature, she had no control over the act. In her mind, it is like blaming a hurricane for snapping your orange tree in half. My favorite line of her whole conversation was “Two-faced? How am I two-faced?” Good lord. (Ok, my Google research reveals that the Dick Tracy version of Two-Face was called Haf Haf. However, even the creator of the comic strip, Chester Gould, freely admitted that it was a straight rip off of the Batman villain. 

Now, I realize that writing about a comic strip that started in 1931, I lost more than half of you from the get-go. I am fine with that.

This was more an odd stroll down memory lane for a comic strip that I may have never read at all.

But I might have to, now.

 

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Posted by on January 5, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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Working that shit 9 to 5

Lizzie is a working girl.

Correction, Lizzie WAS a working girl. (And if you are unsure of the meaning of the term “Working girl”, take a second and google it. Otherwise, a lot of this makes no sense.)

I was sitting in one of my favorite Starbucks near my house.

It’s one of the larger Starbucks. About a dozen small tables, and about another dozen barstool with a long shelf spots.

But the busiest section is a 15’ long chain of tables. Holds about 20 people and is always full.

I am at the big table and the crowd is perfect. 

A few odd personalities to write about, but everyone being quiet and doing their own thing.

And then Lizzie sat down. 

“My name is Lizzie.” She looked straight ahead as she spoke smiling. (Typically, when someone says anything beyond “Are you in line?” Or “Are you using that chair?”, there is usually a pitch for money not far behind.)

Lizzie was one a very pretty young lady. Emphasis on the word WAS. Life and it appears to be drugs have aged her fast. There is a tweaker vibe that surrounds her like one of those weighted blankets. Heavy, constricting.

No one said anything. 

“I used to do drugs and escort, but I don’t do any of that anymore. I am sober and trying to get my life together.”

And, no one said anything. (Basically the same protocol as a bear coming into camp but without the falling to the ground to play dead. We all just sat there, playing dead and avoiding eye contact.) 

She went on to tell all of us everything she is up to in her efforts to stay sober.

It suddenly occurred to me that Lizzie is full of shit and tweaking as we speak.

Finally, she wound down and got to the point. 

“Could you gentlemen spare a few dollars to help someone trying to do better?” (When I begin guessing, I am shockingly correct most of the time.)

As far as lines go, its a strong one. I haven’t seen this pitch before. (You could fill an old school set of encyclopedias with the amount of cheap pitch’s for money that are out there.)

I ponied up a couple of dollars, just in case karma is paying attention on a Saturday.

The guy next to me had been scowling the whole time and his scowl only deepened.

Finally, he sighed and reached into his wallet, pulling out a few bills. 

One of them that I could see was a twenty dollar bill. (Now I feel bad for giving just a few dollars.)

He held them up for Lizzie to see.

“My van is right outside.” (Now I don’t feel bad for giving just a few dollars.)

“Yeah, ok.” Lizzie smiled and pretty much bolted for the door, followed by her “John”.

Huh, go figure. 

The guy who had been sitting next to “John” reached into his jacket and pulled out a buzzing cell phone. 

“Hey Lonnie, what’s up?” Even quiet speech carries indoors.

“Naw, just me, Kennie is in his van screwing Lizzie again.” (Switching gears, “John” is now Kennie.)

Lonnie must have asked about Kennie.

“Nope, they always get high after, he’s useless for the rest of the day.”

More conversation I can’t hear.

“I’m leaving here, I’ll meet you there.”

With that, he was up and out the door. Maybe not as quickly as Lizzie abandoned her sobriety and rejoined the working class, but fast enough.

I heard on the news that the economy is booming and people are going back to work.

In more ways than one.

 

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Posted by on December 29, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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The Empire of the Fussy Shitter.

Some kids are fussy eaters. They have a whole list of shit they won’t eat, most of which, they have never tried.

Others are fussy dressers. Colors and styles have to match…etc. Otherwise they aren’t going anywhere.

And, rarely, you run into a fussy shitter. The name is descriptive enough, don’t you think?

I am posted up at Starbucks at one of the larger tables with some ambitious nursing students.

They are working on nursing degrees and a career while I am working on a snotty little blog that no one reads. 

The door opens and a couple comes in with a child. The parents are in their early 30’s? And the little boy is about 5. 

Dad and the somewhat frantic boy beeline for the bathroom while mom stops nearby and makes a call on her cellphone.

“Hi mom, its Tanya.” (The name Tanya went thru a wildly popular period than it ever should have. Seriously. And they are always trouble. Its like the name summons some ancient goddess of cheesy drama or something.)

“Rog is in the bathroom with Tyler. Its bad today, this is the fourth place we have been to so far.” She looks back at the bathroom with the look of hope tinged with fear. Whatever is going on there, its got her fairly beaten up mentally. 

“No, we have been to 4 different bathrooms so far and there has been something wrong with each one. We are still an hour from home.” She listens to the phone.

“We tried that mom, he shit his pants. And we will not put pullups on him. The other kids might find out and make fun.”

Good lord.

I don’t know that I have run into the parents of a fussy shitter before. 

That is a whole new brand of oddity. 

On the one hand, you do what you have to when your kids are little. There are parents who never raise their voices or tell them no. It is a whole thing that wildly over indulges and leads to the creation of millennials. 

On the other hand, beat your kid, lady. 

5 is way too early to be knuckling under to whatever the kid dictates. 

You are setting yourself up for a lot of future shitty happenings. (Pun kind of intended.)

I went to high school with someone who went home at lunch to use the bathroom. She lived nearby and was pretty hot, so no one gave her any trouble.

I found out years later from a guy who dated her for awhile, she had some sexual issues revolving around defecation. (The home town version of 2 girls, one cup. Google that one at your own risk.)

And here it is, happening right in front of me. 

I realize how harsh it sounds, especially given the ridiculously over-compensating that parents and opinionated shitheads without kids nonsense out there.

But if they would simply sit his fussy ass on the toilet, telling him to shit or sleep there, they would be on the road. 

It’s not a quick fix.

It’s a habit they allowed to form and it will take awhile to break, but it can be done. 

One of my kids was a fussy eater. Had a whole list of shit they would not eat, all of it never tried before. 

So I made a rule. 

You can decide you don’t like something, but you have to try it. Not a nibble, a loaded spoonful.

You can only force yourself to dry heave so many times before it wears on you. 

They eventually expanded their menu nicely and it stopped being a problem. 

A few minutes later, Dad and Tyler came out, mission accomplished.

Lucky number 5. 

As they left, I was tempted to share my wisdom with them.

And then I realized that they were on their own journey.

Sigh.

Being enlightened can be a burden at times.

Mmmmm coffee.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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The coming of Bridezilla

Bridezilla is a real thing.

You see that word and you envision a reality show, some over-indulged, moderately privileged bride snapping at people as she plans her wedding.

And then you are in Starbucks right now and you realize that the most over the top episode of Bridezilla is a best case scenario. 

Because she is here.

The bride to be.

Amber.

The name conjures a Britney Spears image. 

A pretty blonde with good teeth in suggestive clothing.

The suggestive clothing is there, and that is all.

In your head, replace Britney Spears with a chunkier Roseanne Barr with bad hair and a serious overbite.

Take a second and let that sink in. 

If a shudder just went down your back, understand that its just being described to you, I am actually here.

And her entry is epic and befitting the name Bridezilla.

The front door of Starbucks opens with a little too much force and in she comes, talking on her phone to Lorraine. (How do we know her name?)

“Because I’m the fucking bride, Lorraine!” 

The phone being an inch from her mouth did not stop her from yelling. Loud.

Is the situation made better or worse that Amber is about 6 months pregnant?

That is a rhetorical question.

And the argument could be made that it doesn’t make it worse, but it does add to the comedic value of the entire situation.

Also, call me old fashioned, but the soon to be mama should go easy on the caffeine.

A soy latte with a triple shot seems excessive. 

But she is drinking for two. 

To each his or her own.

Sure you risk low birth weight, but have you HAD a triple shot soy latte?

It’s divine.

Lets check the obscenity board while we have a moment.

Things Lorraine (Maid of Honor) has been called in the 2 minutes since Bridezilla came into our lives. 

Cunt 3 times. (To be specific, 1 cunt, 1 dumb cunt and 1 response of cunt when responding to what I believe was Lorraine objecting to being called a dumb cunt.)

The list will end here. It seemed like a great idea, and then it got entirely too sad when viewed as a societal comment of millennials in general. (Plus, Bridezilla is sitting next to me and I am in fear for my life that she will lean over and read this.)

So, after the longest 10 minutes of my recent life, during which a triple soy latte was guzzled, 6 petite vanilla bean scones and 1 Gogurt from her purse, Bridezilla got up and stomped her way out of our lives. 

I was going to make a joke about missing her already, but its a little late in the game to start lying to each other.

In parting, let me throw some wisdom your way. 

Call your mom, if you are married to the mother of your kids, kiss her, send a text if she is your ex-

And thank her, from the bottom of your heart.

For not being Bridezilla. 

(Unless she is, then you are just fucked, my friend.)

(And if she is Lorraine, dim the lights, get her a glass of wine and rub her feet. You’re fucked too, but in a different way. And if you can get me an invite to the wedding, I would consider it a solid. Thanks bro.)

 

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Posted by on November 24, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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The podcast is live!!!!

The Caffeinated Humor Podcast is Live!!!

Read and listen! The blog that does it ALL for you!

https://anchor.fm/caffeinatedhumor

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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The Turd Burglar

Usually, I get to Starbucks and then things happen.

But today, everything started without me. 

When I got to Starbucks, the police had been there for awhile. 

Nobody got hurt, but it was an odd little shit show for a brief period.

Now, I am not one to judge…..

Ok, even I can’t bullshit that one, I am nothing but judgement. 

I think I would be happier if I could add jury and executioner to the list. 

But let me continue. 

In my completely unbiased opinion, the tweaker piece of shit in the back of the patrol car was not a good looking guy before he discovered his deep and abiding love of meth.

Let’s call him El Diablo.

The broken table I am still trying to figure out.

The urine on the sidewalk is also a mystery. 

According to several people who responded to my inquiry of – “What the hell was that?”

  • El Diablo was briefly in line at the cashier and was “Gacking bad”. (Still Googling that one, no clue.)
  • El Diablo may or may not have had his dick hanging out. (The couple that told me this are split on this. She says no, he says yes. My opinion? Why is he checking out El Diablo’s package?)
  • El Diablo (Let’s jump the gun and just call him The Suspect, shall we?) anyway, the Suspect then knocked  over a display of expensive coffee beans, then began screaming and cursing until the police arrived. (Actually, it was just a display of coffee beans, they are all expensive. When was the last time someone said “I can’t believe how cheap coffee is these days.?”)
  • The Suspect, when officers were taking him to the car, stopped in one spot on the sidewalk, refused to move, then pissed himself. (This is one of the greatest protest moves ever. Kind of like a karmic “You can’t fire me, I quit!”)

Police officers are notoriously closed mouthed about what goes on when they are investigating something.

However, you catch the right cops on the right day…

I walked by two cops laughing quietly off to the side. 

“So I told him that if he has any drugs on him, its a felony to take them into the station. He immediately ponies up that he has a baggy up his ass. I ask why, and he says – I always keep my drugs in my ass, then I can’t be robbed!” (This sentence is just wrong. I keep looking at it to see if there is spelling or grammar issues. There are none, my mind is just balking at the content.)

Then the other cop’s reply made my day.

“Except by the turd burglar!” 

Oh my God.

I almost pissed the sidewalk myself.

Take him away boys.

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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