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Can I have some more, please?

I have been accused of being uncaring.

I am not denying it, but I did have to ask for clarification about WHAT I am not giving a shit about. (I may be an asshole, but I am a specific asshole)

Turns out my rude critic was talking about the fact that I have not written a post in 2018, and THAT was why I was uncaring.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I haven’t written anything BECAUSE I care.

I haven’t seen anything that has gotten my sarcastic muse wet in the panties.

The well has gone dry, I am burnt out, I may never write ag-

I was walking down the street and saw an old dog, laying on a porch, licking his balls, and then it hit me.

We are all here for a reason.

Time to get back on the horse.

So I went to Starbucks and looked for inspiration.

And it turns out that inspiration keeps a tight delivery schedule.

Sitting next to me was the coffee shop version of Job. (To those on you unlettered heathens, its pronounced “Jobe”. Job was the whipping boy of the scriptures. God let the Devil gang beat him like a ginger and he never lost his faith. Thank God it was him and not me, I don’t have that kind of fortitude. I get a papercut and I am questioning my existence.)

 

The story of Job.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…etc.

Blah, blah, blah, you know the rest, its the opening line from A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.

Here’s the thing about Dickens.

He was an asshole when it came to life.

Everything being dark and sad and people living in such shitty conditions that the kids in the UNICEF commercials would be willing to take a break from waving the flies out of their mouths for a few minutes and pony up a couple of bucks.

So, if you ever want to ruin your day and shift into a “What’s the use? I may as well kill myself” type of mode, pick up a copy of anything written by Dickens.

Why the hate rant on Dickens?

Because the guy next to me has the saddest story I have ever heard and his name is Oliver. (Started out as Job, then morphed to Oliver. Its a reach, and I acknowledge that, but fuck you, its my blog, I am God here, and it is what we are going with.)

Oliver, it seems, has lost his job. (Pronounced “Job”, if you are a millennial, you are probably wondering what a job is. Ask your parents, if they will still acknowledge you in public.)

And, “Hanna” has left him for someone he knows. (Wife or girlfriend, I am not quite sure. But she is out there, legs in the air, doing shit that career fetish hookers charge high dollars for and its all pro-bono. (Pro-bono isn’t the right word there, but the hooker-bono linguistics are spot-on funny.)

And if that sore on his lip is an indicator, Oliver has a little herpes going on. (Either given to him by or he gave it to, the disloyal skank Hanna.)

Turns out Oliver is wearing those special ortho shoes that has one sole taller than the other, indicating that both of his legs are different lengths. (I almost left this one out, even I have a hard time believing that little detail.)

“But what is your biggest problem right this minute?” I hate getting involved, but someone has to ask the obvious question.

Oliver pondered, went to take a sip of coffee, stopped and shook the empty cup, laughing.

“I’m out of coffee.”

And then he hobbled his unlucky ass up to the counter for a refill and a scone.

At least he has his priorities straight.

Mmmmm coffee.

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Posted by on February 16, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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And now for something completely different.

I have told a long time fan of the blog that if she ever wrote a post, I would put it on the site. Well, she did it. I will publish mine on Monday. I have forced her to pick a pen name. Enjoy…

Do as I say, not as I do – by Anastasia Beaverhausen

The devil herself: Kim Davis, ladies and gentlemen. A boil on the ass of hypocrisy. That fugli skank just bitch-slapped America and erased years of progressive movement for LGBT rights. Makes me rethink our electoral system: If we can vote in favor of same-sex marriage, and legalized marijuana, and also elect self-righteous county clerks into position, then how do we have a prayer of confidently moving into the end of the 2010 decade with a new leader of the free world? Oh, did I say prayer? Forgive me. Oh, forgive isn’t PC, either. Screw it.

Even the Pope is cutting edge, and demanding change. Embrace it or not, he has the balls to do something. It may not be a functioning, procreative sac, but Pope Francis has got it going on.

Ms. Davis hides her fat Lauren Ashley floral print jumper-wearing ass behind her bible, which I’m certain has never had her beady little eyes laid upon even one scripture verse. “Behold! I am a 4-time married ho that hasn’t the faintest idea of anything in the real world except for what I’ve been brainwashed into thinking and believing”.

Kim Davis needs a makeover both physically and mentally. I’m sick of her ugly face showing up on the news feeds, spewing her diatribes to America. Who the fuck does she think she is? It’s not like she won by a landslide – she barely got elected! Clearly this wasn’t a beauty contest. Actually, I prefer she makes Margaret Thatcher look like a Victorias Secret model: I would have to kill myself if I found myself even remotely attracted to Kim “get a life” Davis.

She promised and swore to uphold the constitution of the USA, but refused to follow the law? Well, let her tell it to Officer Krupke. I’m sure he’ll understand. Of course, this gives us all free license to weasel out of any ticket if we’re pulled over. If Kim Davis can refuse to uphold the law, why should we? Good lord – should we be thanking her for showing us the way to a lawless society?

Smack! I’m OK now – had to slap myself back to reality. She must be hypnotizing Americans into her self-proclaimed righteous way of thinking. Good think I (and all of you) have our wits about us.

I wish I was in jail with her: I’d show her a thing or two about obeying and submitting – two of my favorite terms in the bible. I’d even let her wear her pastel turtleneck sweaters while I spilled my seed. Those conservative bible-belt gals are really just begging to have their beliefs challenged. They don’t call it “in the biblical sense” for nothing.

Thank God she hasn’t procreated. There I go again: using religious lingo. At least I have a soapbox to stand on: I almost went in the seminary. This qualifies me to tell you to tell Kim to fuck off. Just do it. Tell her.

Do as I say.

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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