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Tag Archives: sexy

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself…

What the hell is wrong with people?

Today is a day filled with bad pick up lines.

The first one of the day caught me unaware, like a crisp slap across the face.

“A woman like you can stop a man in his tracks!”

This was said to a beautiful business blonde in a tailored suit.

This is a woman truly worth hitting on, and it was actually a decent pick up line.

So why didn’t it work?

I hate to be superficial, but the man who said it had no teeth.

The overwhelming stench of BO and urine did not help, I’m sure.

This woman was a rising star of the business world, you could tell from her demeanor.

If she hooked up with a homeless guy, in a classic “Differing class forbidden romance”, she would be ostracized.

The heart may want what it wants, but even the heart has to have some sort of sense, even if its not a sense of smell.

Plus, he would be hard to explain at parties.

Because nothing kills a young rising star in the business world like having to explain why your boyfriend is performing oral sex in the kitchen during a 4th quarter kick off party at the boss’s house.

Just saying.

But alas, our star crossed and pharmaceutically challenged lovers were destined never to be together.

She needed to get to work and he needed to go get high.

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

In a dead language that is inflicted on high school students like the clap, that phrase means The Glory of Man is Fleeting.

A loose interpretation could be to live for today.

Few people embrace old ideas like this.

They could throw caution to the wind and spend the next hour in the vacant lot nearby, seeing if the business woman’s shoes match the sky. (Wait for it, wait for it, BAM! You got it.)

But the fates are not kind to toothless men and fools.

To bad fate can’t get the homeless guy in a headlock and give him a quick shower, a flea dip and a serious delousing.

And pass the hat to get him a set of choppers.

Now, I told you that story to tell you this story.

I gave a homeless woman a 5 spot.

Not my usual thing, I know, I was shocked too.

But I spent my entire early morning chuckling about my evil observations about the big business/homeless Romeo and Juliet.

And it put me into one of those odd states of mind that I try to avoid when I am being vile.

It put me in a good mood.

And thats when she came rolling up.

The oldest 30 year old you have ever seen.

Life has regularly dragged this little honey out and beat her ass.

Well over several hundred thousand miles on this model, and those are all city miles.

There are missing teeth, but she was not so far gone that she had forgotten that.

“Got a dollar? Dollar for some food?” Almost like a chant, like she can’t even hear it herself.

My answer came out of my mouth from pure reflex.

“Don’t have any, sorry.” Cold, monotone, no eye contact. Cold son of a bitch.

She moved on.

And I felt bad.

It was a Grinch kind of moment and Whoville just started singing.

Shit.

I reached into my wallet and pulled out the first bill my fingers found.

Here is how out of character this is for me.

I am cheap, not a cool thing to admit, but there it is.

I had one of just about every bill you can have in America with the exception of the $100 bill.

“Forgot I brought my wallet, take care.”

I noticed as she took the bill that it was a 5.

I was happy it was not a 20 or a 50.

Mainly because it was the kind of moment that I would have let her have it, either way.

She stopped in place when she recognized the denomination.

“Thank you.”

Watching a meth head step out of their life and tear up at simply getting $5 is a emotionally surreal thing.

This is not a life changing event, but it did touch me.

In the good way.

St. Bittermac wishes you all a good day.

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Posted by on May 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Your dirty, sexy mouth.

Picture this in your head.

Picture the woman that says the following phrase.

“Finish your coffee, I’m gonna go push out a gang of tootsie rolls and then we’ll roll.”

What is the image in your head?

More specifically, what does the trailer park she lives in look like?

Is Walmart involved?

Now, here is the reality.

Mid-40’s, attractive brunette.

High end business suit, hair styled by someone that probably costs a fortune.

Mercedes smart key on the keychain.

iPhone 6 sitting on the table.

This is a high end business woman.

With the communication skills of a foul mouthed teenager before curse words come into play.

It really ruins the overall desirability of the rather expensively hot look she has put together.

For the mind, that is.

The penis could care less if she shit herself, he is still up for play time.

Very one track mind, the penis.

The woman disturbed me for a few minutes mainly because she didn’t fit the niche I had carved out for her in my head.

In my head, she was a sophisticated, flirty, wholly desirable business woman in an age range that is totally at her peak, physically and sexually.

And then, my mind made the correction and put her in the niche she belongs in, and all was better.

Salesman.

And now her phrasing made sense.

Salesman have a relationship with the spoken word much like a john with a Bangkok hooker.

Use it to do things you should be ashamed of, for money.

Sales is the type of profession that kind of removes your filters when you are not speaking to a client.

You have to be very controlled in not only what you say to a client, but also, how you say it.

When that is no longer required, the kid gloves come off.

I was a salesman for about 10 years, and this blog reminds me a lot of my mouth during that period.

Not a lot of filtering going on.

But back to the situation at hand.

My disappointment is huge.

I hate having my semi ruined mid-lust. (Anyone but me get this one?)

Eventually the hot, potty mouthed business woman returns from her presumed tootsie roll dropping, and they leave.

And the whole thing has left me slightly twisted.

I spend a lot of my time slightly twisted as it is, so when I hit something that shoves me further down that road against my will, it ruins my equilibrium.

Even coffee is not helping.

That alone tells you how disconcerting this is, because coffee usually fixes EVERYTHING.

I was so upset, I got another vente house drip.

And if you follow the news, you know that Starbucks house drip has the highest caffeine content of any national coffee house.

A vente cup has roughly 415mg of caffeine.

I have had 2 in the span of an hour.

There is a legal limit of 250mg of caffeine per hour in the state of California. (I could be wrong)

So, having ingested 830mg puts me over 3 times the legal limit.

Which explains my attraction to the hot, yet dirty, businesswoman.

I no longer question what goes on when I am under the influence.

This comes from years of morning after examinations.

At least with caffeine, you will never wake up with indelible marker writing on your face.

And sadly, with caffeine, you will never wake up after a black out evening to find yourself in bed with a hot businesswoman, dirty mouth or not.

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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