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Tag Archives: romeo

A rose by any other name, is still just a dirty blog.

“TWO HOUSEHOLDS, both alike in dignity,

In fair Starbucks, where we lay our scene,

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes barrista hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,

A pair of star-cross’d barristas risk their jobs”

Something like that.

Tears in my eyes as I write this. Its so touching, so beautiful and yet, doomed to failure.

I see them in the distance, a couple, late 20’s, beach people, holding each other, middle of the block.

Its a lovely scene.

And then I get closer.

And I see their shirts.

“Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf” (Think Capulet)

“Starbucks” (See also Montague.)

Barristas from opposing houses.

Doomed to a love that is forbidden.

I pass them and they are silent, no doubt the pain of their situation has driven them to silence.

Or, he was talking dirty and didn’t want me to hear, either one.

Eventually, as the story goes, the manager of Starbucks will find out and threaten to fire the barrista, and then someone get killed in a duel and then some of your better catch phrases happen.

“A plague on BOTH your lattes!”

And then, in the end, She will quit her job, planning to apply at Starbucks to be with him.

But, he doesn’t know that, so he will quit his job, thinking to work at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

So he is heading up the street to Coffee bean, and she is heading down the street to Starbucks.

And then they see each other, and they both realize what happened.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE DEATH SCENE!

That happens when they go across the street and get jobs at Peets Coffee.

A seedy little coffee house of ill repute, inhabited by questionable reprobates like soccer moms and real estate agents.

THIS IS THE SUICIDE SCENE!

Yup, working at Peets is pure resume suicide.

No one in the history of the world has EVER read a resume and said, “Oh, you worked at Peets coffee, great!”

Its a resume stain for the service industry much like a dose of the clap, but harder to get rid of.

And I still cannot prove that their coffee is not heavily tea-bagged in the back room. (There is this flavor in the coffee, you know?)

So what is the moral of this tragic tale?

There are several.

  1. Peets Coffee is made by seedy unsupervised perverts.
  2. Starbucks and Coffee Bean coffees do NOT have plague virus in them. (Shout out to their lawyers. Please don’t hur my family.)
  3. When you are dealing with insomnia, haven’t slept more than 4 hours in 3 days and decide to watch the 1996 version of Romeo & Juliet (Leonardo Di Caprio and Clare Danes), do not, repeat, DO NOT, write a blog in the wee hours of the morning.

Because who knows what kind of shit you are going to put on the page.

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Posted by on May 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself…

What the hell is wrong with people?

Today is a day filled with bad pick up lines.

The first one of the day caught me unaware, like a crisp slap across the face.

“A woman like you can stop a man in his tracks!”

This was said to a beautiful business blonde in a tailored suit.

This is a woman truly worth hitting on, and it was actually a decent pick up line.

So why didn’t it work?

I hate to be superficial, but the man who said it had no teeth.

The overwhelming stench of BO and urine did not help, I’m sure.

This woman was a rising star of the business world, you could tell from her demeanor.

If she hooked up with a homeless guy, in a classic “Differing class forbidden romance”, she would be ostracized.

The heart may want what it wants, but even the heart has to have some sort of sense, even if its not a sense of smell.

Plus, he would be hard to explain at parties.

Because nothing kills a young rising star in the business world like having to explain why your boyfriend is performing oral sex in the kitchen during a 4th quarter kick off party at the boss’s house.

Just saying.

But alas, our star crossed and pharmaceutically challenged lovers were destined never to be together.

She needed to get to work and he needed to go get high.

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

In a dead language that is inflicted on high school students like the clap, that phrase means The Glory of Man is Fleeting.

A loose interpretation could be to live for today.

Few people embrace old ideas like this.

They could throw caution to the wind and spend the next hour in the vacant lot nearby, seeing if the business woman’s shoes match the sky. (Wait for it, wait for it, BAM! You got it.)

But the fates are not kind to toothless men and fools.

To bad fate can’t get the homeless guy in a headlock and give him a quick shower, a flea dip and a serious delousing.

And pass the hat to get him a set of choppers.

Now, I told you that story to tell you this story.

I gave a homeless woman a 5 spot.

Not my usual thing, I know, I was shocked too.

But I spent my entire early morning chuckling about my evil observations about the big business/homeless Romeo and Juliet.

And it put me into one of those odd states of mind that I try to avoid when I am being vile.

It put me in a good mood.

And thats when she came rolling up.

The oldest 30 year old you have ever seen.

Life has regularly dragged this little honey out and beat her ass.

Well over several hundred thousand miles on this model, and those are all city miles.

There are missing teeth, but she was not so far gone that she had forgotten that.

“Got a dollar? Dollar for some food?” Almost like a chant, like she can’t even hear it herself.

My answer came out of my mouth from pure reflex.

“Don’t have any, sorry.” Cold, monotone, no eye contact. Cold son of a bitch.

She moved on.

And I felt bad.

It was a Grinch kind of moment and Whoville just started singing.

Shit.

I reached into my wallet and pulled out the first bill my fingers found.

Here is how out of character this is for me.

I am cheap, not a cool thing to admit, but there it is.

I had one of just about every bill you can have in America with the exception of the $100 bill.

“Forgot I brought my wallet, take care.”

I noticed as she took the bill that it was a 5.

I was happy it was not a 20 or a 50.

Mainly because it was the kind of moment that I would have let her have it, either way.

She stopped in place when she recognized the denomination.

“Thank you.”

Watching a meth head step out of their life and tear up at simply getting $5 is a emotionally surreal thing.

This is not a life changing event, but it did touch me.

In the good way.

St. Bittermac wishes you all a good day.

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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