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The tell tale smell of fear and urine.

I’m not being a pussy.

There is a fine line between being superstitious about a date on the calendar and living in abject, shit yourself stark terror at the thought of a particular date on a calendar.

You wake up on Friday the 13th and realize that you are laying in a puddle of your own urine.

And it only goes downhill from there.

Someone tried to tell me that “It’s just another day, its no big deal”.

If this was a horror film, they would be the one that decides to investigate the abandoned boat house by themself.

In other words, they will be the first to die horribly.

Fear is a funny thing.

Not funny ha ha, but funny like scared and you turn and run into a pole funny.

I lost my keys on the last Friday the 13th.

That may not sound like much, but if I fell into a wood chipper trying to find them, you would feel differently, wouldn’t you?

See what I mean?

“But you didn’t fall into a wood chipper.”

Thank God!

I got lucky that Friday the 13 decided to find a victim elsewhere that day.

There are only 2 Friday the 13ths this year.

At least that spreads out the horror instead of it being just 1 day.

When its just 1 day, 1 Friday the 13th in a year, that is some powerful mojo.

That is like Y2K, planes falling from the sky, MASS HYSTERIA kind of day.

2 in a year is more of your, cheesy slasher film kind of horror.

That I can deal with.

All I need is coffee and to hear that click on the door of my panic room.

Then I can just sit there naked and drink my coffee and wait for the inevitable.

Why am I naked?

Why are you clothed? (Let’s not get bogged down with a lot of questions.)

Side note. A dog barked next door and I just about pissed myself. Shut that beast up, some of us are trying to quiver in fear, for God’s sake!

The sad part is, I have to go to work.

I showered and narrowly escaped slipping and cracking my head open.

I shaved and almost cut my throat open when my razor broke.

The drive to work was like a Mission Impossible car chase.

I am sitting at my desk, waiting for a disgruntled co worker to go on a rampage.

So I realize I am on borrowed time here.

Tell my kids I love them.

At some point, I am sure a Syrian refugee will commit an act of some sort in my vicinity with dire consequences.

Its kind of a “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and it will probably kill you.” type of thing.

So, if I survive the day and I am not in a medically induced coma, (Might be the only way to save me) I will write about my survival next week.

Until then, keep your head down, drink your coffee, and for God’s sake, put some pants on.

 

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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The naked muse.

A naked woman once told me I cannot claim to be innocent given the content and tone of this blog.

True innocence is much like true viciousness, pure and perfect at its core.

So I called bullshit. Maybe not at the time, mainly because you don’t interrupt a naked woman.

Your penis will not let you.

When it comes to lust and things of a sexual nature, the penis runs a tight ship.

Don’t get between the primal directive and the captain of that ship.

This is not as deep and philosophical as it sounds.

Basically, a naked woman could read aloud from Norman Mailer’s The Executioner’s Song, arguably the worst fucking book ever written, and I would be enraptured.

(Sidenote. I have no clue how in the hell Mailer won the Pulitzer Prize for that piece of shit. I can only assume that he had pictures of the judging committee playing an intense game of Naked Johnny on the Pony with their faces totally visible.)

And if there are any Norman Mailer fans out there who were offended, fuck off, you are a pretentious piece of shit and you should be ashamed. The only saving grace is that once the half dozen aging hipsters that claim to love his work die off, his name and novels will fade into the obscurity of history.

But enough about Mailer.

Back to the viciousness.

When you are younger, or ignorant and naive, you attached a negative connotation to that.

But your perspectives change as you get older.

Its like the word manipulation.

If I told you I have manipulated you, would you be upset.

Sure, I could stop and make the verbal argument as to why you should say or do what I want you to.

Or I could just guide you down the path of seeing that this is whats best for you.

And when you present it as your idea, I always make it look like I am impressed with your decision.

Now, and this is where the viciousness happens, so pay attention.

I do this to everyone I know.

So, it follows that, if we know each other and you think I have never done this to you, you are so easily manipulated that you have yet to figure out that it happened.

Your welcome.

The older you get, the more you realize that things flow a lot better when someone is in total control of the situation.

Plus it helps if you are the one in charge.

The people that get upset at this are not mentally capable of taking charge, but are close enough to recognize that they are not, or the ones that are dumb enough to think they really should be in charge.

Either one is really annoying.

But lets stay focussed on my innocence.

This blog is pure, untouched, largely unedited, and doesn’t hesitate to say something that might be considered rude.

Censorship is tainted, evil and bad for the soul in the long run.

Not to be confused with the taint, arguably the smoothest skin on the human body.

Try this for one day, from the moment you get up, to the moment you go to bed, say whatever vile of mean thing that comes into your head, with no censorship or filter.

And if you are unemployed, facing divorce and haven’t had your ass kicked as LEAST once by the end of that day, you held too much back.

Please note, I did not say it was a great idea.

I believe I said “From the moment YOU get up-”

I need my job.

And I don’t want to anger the naked woman.

 
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Posted by on August 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Stay naked and shop.

Anatomy of a glitch.

I wrote this part and put it at the top of what I had wrote previously.

I was unable to post this blog yesterday due to a setting that I mistakenly toggled.

Human error, the software is not at fault.

To those who were bummed about nothing being there yesterday, whether you commented on FB or emailed, sorry.

Some of them were a little pissy.

Tinymouse@mail.com- you nailed it. I don’t care. I am a misogynistic bastard and I just don’t care.

(We exchanged a series of angry emails yesterday. Mainly because of my use of the C word in my first reply. Childish, but I hadn’t had coffee yet.)

Anyway, here is yesterdays post, a day late.

 

Cyber Monday is looming tomorrow, and it is looking like this one will be the biggest one ever.

Fact is, people like to shop online.

Its getting wildly more popular.

Anytime you can get your shopping done for the holidays while wearing your underwear and not leaving the house, its bound to catch on.

Black Friday is the retarded hunchback of the shopping season, hideous to look at or deal with, but what else is there?

Cyber Monday.

Amazon.com announced awhile back that sales of ebooks had surpassed sales of printed books.

Only a matter of time.

I decided not to even try to brave the Black Friday crowds this year.

Just don’t have it in me.

Its like facing a hoard of shopping zombies in an effort to get a low cost LCD tv.

I would like to go on record as saying that I am not an avid fan of the Walking Dead show.

I watched the first season and loved it.

But its on on the wrong night for me.

But I get the concept.

The first rule of zombies is, avoid them at all costs.

Cyber Monday it is.

Add to that my membership in Amazon Prime for the free 2nd Day Air shipping of a HUGE amount of stuff on Amazon.com and you can understand why I like Monday over Friday.

Technically shopping in your underwear at Macy’s would be more fun, but you get my point.

Off on a tangent now.

That would be an interesting spectacle.

Strip down in the parking lot, timing it so that the mall security had just made their rounds on their little 3 wheeled Segwey knock off.

Head on in thru the main glass doors, heads whipping around, keep moving.

Black Friday crowds are agressive, but its a human instinct to avoid a naked man in public, the crowds will part.

Head to the jewelry counter.

There will be a spot at the counter, rest assured, just push your way in and when anyone turns to complain, they will sidle away at one look.

The clerk will show you whatever you want in a daze.

If you are fast, you can make a purchase and move on before management shows.

However, if they do, here is the move.

“Excuse me, you can’t be in here like that!” Is the standard move, said just loud enough to be firm, without alerting other customers.

Can’t hurt sales.

Your reply has to be quick, loud and on the verge of hysteria.

“DON”T TOUCH ME, I’M A US CITIZEN!”

Management has a strict “Hands off” policy about crazy.

But at that point, you have to deal with mall security and then the police.

And thats no fun.

Better to stay naked at home.

Happy holidays.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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