HOW I ESCAPED THE CULT OF APPLE
Hello, my name is Will, and I used to have an iPhone.
As the twelfth step of my electronics rehabilitation, I will explain how I got out of the IOS cult.
I came to the iPhone from an abusive relationship.
Metro PCS. (Lovingly referred to as Metro POS. [POS=piece of shit])
The phone was called an Android, but I cannot be sure that was true because the phone rarely functioned enough to know.
I left POS and went to the Sodom and Gamora of phone carriers, Sprint.
They gave me an iPhone for free, part of a promotion of some sort.
In reality, it is considered polite for a drug dealer to give you your first hit free.
But then you are their property, and they abuse the relationship.
So you spend the next two years under contract, figuratively on your consumer knees, servicing your provider.
It is rare that anyone gets away from their slimy clutches, but it happens.
You hit rock bottom and finally say enough is enough.
You break your digital chains and run to the promised land. (Slavery/religious metaphor? Really?)
The promised land is T-Mobile, by the way.
I went back to Android like a man making a jailbreak.
It was liberating, it was exhilarating, I finally felt like a free man.
For the first time in years, I stopped checking my data usage everyday like its a checking account that might have been hacked.
And maybe got a little crazy, who wouldn’t?
I may or may not have bought an international phone that competes with the $1K phones, but only cost about a third because they don’t sell it in the US. (Not sure if that’s illegal, but I don’t fuck with the feds.)
Here is the simple truth.
iPhone is cool if you are old or electronically retarded. (Yeah, I went there.)
Android is for adults who know how to find and use the settings on their phones.
If this sounds arrogant, sounds like you are paying attention.
I am not one of those, I got out and you can too, I believe in you.
I am more the “Later Losers!” as I slam the door.
By the way, it is shocking how fast you get used to the fingerprint reader on a cell phone and you wonder how you ever survived without it.
Let’s go over what we have learned so far:
- Metro PCS = Piece of shit.
- Sprint = Carrier pimp
- There is but one cell God and Android is his prophet. (Should I be nervous about this one?)
I will be nurturing for a moment.
If you have an iPhone, its not really your fault.
You fell for the hype and let yourself be dumbed down. It happens.
The important thing is that you are now aware and can make plans to leave your digital pimp-daddy.
There are shelters and places to go where Apple will not find you.
And you can start your cell life over.
Just make sure they transfer your contacts.