My new homeless guy, Juan Carlos, is on a break. He is sitting quietly on his corner with a blanket pulled over his head.
For those who have no idea who that is, Juan Carlos is the new crazy homeless guy on the block.
He just kind of showed up a few days after my previous favorite homeless guy, Garrett, died.
He is still learning the crazy homeless game. He doesn’t put of a cup for change most days.
He also has the odd habit of singing loud Portuguese fishing songs.
It scares the mothers walking by with their kids.
Bad for business.
My deceased friend Garrett knew the game. His move was to argue with himself about corporate environmental policy all day long, but he always stopped to say thank you when people put money in his cup.
They should have some sort of homeless bootcamp for new homeless. Just something to show them the ropes. Kind of a “How to maximize your profits” workshop for the crazy and unemployed.
Like anything, its a business.
I could never make it as a homeless person. I have a thing about showering and especially about my hands being dirty.
I would be one of those starving homeless that no one would give any money two because my sign would suck. I would get too sarcastic.
Real quick, top 5 homeless signs in recent memory.
5. “Natalie Portman is pregnant and I need money for a nice gift.”
This one I find hard to swallow. Natalie is a bit of a bohemian, but she did go to Harvard and when you roll with that crowd, the stick up your ass is not optional. So the thought of her having a homeless friend to the baby shower is slim.
4. “I slept with Lindsay Lohan last week. Please help.”
Entirely possible, that girl turns into a half naked, hot mess when she gets shit-faced. The homeless guy’s sign is more likely true than not true.
3. “Why lie? I need money for a cold beer.”
I will not give money to this, but at least its honest. The question is, does honesty pay? Historical evidence says that it does not. You get no cold beer from me.
2. “Bet you can’t hit me with a quarter.”
I actually did this. He didn’t even move, so I threw another one.
And now for number one, drum-roll please.
1. “Ninja’s killed my family, need money for kung fu lessons.”
This guy got an entire dollar out of me for shear originality. I walked passed him, saw the sign and lost it. The guy just put his hand out and I paid. He had me and he knew it.
I have an old school mate who posted the following on Facebook. “I am shocked that people are so accepting of the homeless problem. The homeless is a modern problem.”
Thats so cute. Actually, the social voices of every generation back into the dark ages make comments like that. These voices always live comfortably and are always outraged, but not to the point of giving up their own comforts.
I usually slap down that kind of ridiculous comment whenever possible, however, she is hot, and I am just an evil sexist at heart, so I will continue to be nice, but essentially treat her like hot useless furniture that you might get to sleep with if you bide your time.
Some of you are now laughing, some of you are just pissed. But, ask yourself this.
Are you laughing/angry because its bullshit, or because its true?
Me, I am laughing because I find the whole thing amusing.
But that’s just me.
The long and the short of it is, I started putting a cup out for Juan Carlos the other day, starting it off with a dollar of my own. It has stayed out since, and the money disappears.
See, I am not heartless.
I’m just an asshole.