RSS

Tag Archives: holidays

Before the ball drops…

You know I have to get the last word.

I couldn’t let the year end without running at the mouth one last time.

New Year’s Eve is coming and it is time to lie like a politician to the one person we should never lie to.

Ourselves.

New Years is the time that we trot out our completely unrealistic resolutions and parade them around like a temporary trophy wife for all to see.

And they last as long as the trophy wife does and will desert you every bit as fast as if she found out you got no money.

At least you won’t have a lingering STD when the resolution is gone.

At least physically.

Mentally?

Anybody’s guess.

I have seen people pillory themselves like one of the Marquis de Sade’s regulars over not losing that 10 pounds from the holidays.

In reality, the only people that truly give a crap how much you weigh will be your pallbearers, everything else is just in your head.

At my Great Uncle Jack’s funeral, one of my cousins was struggling to hold up his end.

In frustration, he looked down at the casket.

“Jesus Christ, Jack!”

Hilarious.

First time I had ever witnessed someone berating a corpse.

I try to keep my resolutions either ridiculously easy to pull off, or impossible to the point that no one thinks its serious at all.

Here are my easy resolutions:

  1. Don’t get arrested New Years Eve. (Much easier since I quit power drinking.)
  2. Go to the gym. (I am going to the gym now, so I win by doing the norm.)
  3. Be nicer to the family. (Nicer is so hard to put a definition to, I can do what I want.)

And here are my impossibles, (Or perhaps Deplorables)

  1. Not be mean to people. (Not breathing would be easier. I am not a real fan of people.)
  2. Get taller. (If I knew how to pull this one off it would have happened decades ago.
  3. Masturbate less. (Don’t look at me, you’ll ruin the mood.)

I have finally come to this.

I hope next year doesn’t suck.

For those that claim that this year sucked, consider the alternative.

It could have really sucked.

Some people are pissed because a celebrity they liked died, or a politician they didn’t like won, or blah blah blah.

In reality, not a goddam thing actually went wrong with your year.

Happiness is a perception.

So if you are not happy with how this year was?

Get off your ass and get in the game.

Make next year a better one, by your definition.

And for fucks sake! Stop posting shit on Facebook, it makes you look like a douche.

Happy New Year.

Bite me.

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on December 30, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Because Christmas, asshole.

There is a point during the year that the holidays basically shit themselves.

There is the dread and tension leading into Thanksgiving.

Very few households are Ozzie and Harriet. (And very few people understand that quote. That may be a good thing.)

And then you survive Thanksgiving thru a combination of wine, verbal sparring and diligent use of Israeli Krav Maga for the nastier moments.

But its over, and the very next day, all hell breaks loose.

Black Friday.

The one day named after a color that is never called racist.

The holidays are touted by everyone who chooses to open their pie hole as that time of the year that we are supposed be better people.

So what better day to start the season than getting up in the middle of the night and going to stand in the cold, waiting for the doors of some place I would not shop at usually but the promise of door busters turns me into a miserable whore.

And then the doors open and the Hunger Games begin.

You would think that, with the advent of the internet and online shopping growing like it is, that Black Friday would be on the decline.

Take a moment and Google “Black Friday Walmart fight” and you would be stunned at the hundreds of videos that pop up. (The 500lbs woman from Queens fighting with the gang of skinny women was a classic.)

Nothing better to start off the season than putting the boot to people in the name of capitalism. (Don’t think I am smacking Capitalism, it is the only thing that will save us.)

Getting 40% off of something for the holidays is tempting but its not going to get me out in the cold for more than an hour, much less camping out for days.

True doorbusters are rare, but if fighting to the death with a 500lbs woman from Queens is the only way you can get a 60” LCD tv for your rent controlled apartment then maybe you shouldn’t have it.

You’re goddam right I said it.

If you are living on the government dole, living the good life is being kind of greedy.

(Wow, this took a nasty turn)

How about this?

If you do have a holiday that you value at some time during the year, try not to be a rotten shit in the period right before it.

Elf on the shelf made his bones on the guilt of people who act like assholes during the Xmas season.

Its a damn shame that we don’t have a mental Elf on the Shelf that could live in our heads.

Not to frighten small children, but to frighten the adult children.

A little mental baba yaga that threatens to rat us out to whoever is in control of your holiday.

That would have several effects.

Road rage would lessen, not go away entirely, but lessen. (You can’t get rid of human nature, just dampen it for short periods of time.)

Facebook wars would slow down. (Grow up)

Revenge sex would be oddly untouched. (Go figure)

The rolling of eyes and weary sighs would be on the decline. (Anyone under the age of 25)

And people could get back to the one thing that is really bringing us together this holiday season.

Bitching about Trump. (Whining fucking maggots.)

Merry Xmas

Bite me.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 2, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Stay naked and shop.

Anatomy of a glitch.

I wrote this part and put it at the top of what I had wrote previously.

I was unable to post this blog yesterday due to a setting that I mistakenly toggled.

Human error, the software is not at fault.

To those who were bummed about nothing being there yesterday, whether you commented on FB or emailed, sorry.

Some of them were a little pissy.

Tinymouse@mail.com- you nailed it. I don’t care. I am a misogynistic bastard and I just don’t care.

(We exchanged a series of angry emails yesterday. Mainly because of my use of the C word in my first reply. Childish, but I hadn’t had coffee yet.)

Anyway, here is yesterdays post, a day late.

 

Cyber Monday is looming tomorrow, and it is looking like this one will be the biggest one ever.

Fact is, people like to shop online.

Its getting wildly more popular.

Anytime you can get your shopping done for the holidays while wearing your underwear and not leaving the house, its bound to catch on.

Black Friday is the retarded hunchback of the shopping season, hideous to look at or deal with, but what else is there?

Cyber Monday.

Amazon.com announced awhile back that sales of ebooks had surpassed sales of printed books.

Only a matter of time.

I decided not to even try to brave the Black Friday crowds this year.

Just don’t have it in me.

Its like facing a hoard of shopping zombies in an effort to get a low cost LCD tv.

I would like to go on record as saying that I am not an avid fan of the Walking Dead show.

I watched the first season and loved it.

But its on on the wrong night for me.

But I get the concept.

The first rule of zombies is, avoid them at all costs.

Cyber Monday it is.

Add to that my membership in Amazon Prime for the free 2nd Day Air shipping of a HUGE amount of stuff on Amazon.com and you can understand why I like Monday over Friday.

Technically shopping in your underwear at Macy’s would be more fun, but you get my point.

Off on a tangent now.

That would be an interesting spectacle.

Strip down in the parking lot, timing it so that the mall security had just made their rounds on their little 3 wheeled Segwey knock off.

Head on in thru the main glass doors, heads whipping around, keep moving.

Black Friday crowds are agressive, but its a human instinct to avoid a naked man in public, the crowds will part.

Head to the jewelry counter.

There will be a spot at the counter, rest assured, just push your way in and when anyone turns to complain, they will sidle away at one look.

The clerk will show you whatever you want in a daze.

If you are fast, you can make a purchase and move on before management shows.

However, if they do, here is the move.

“Excuse me, you can’t be in here like that!” Is the standard move, said just loud enough to be firm, without alerting other customers.

Can’t hurt sales.

Your reply has to be quick, loud and on the verge of hysteria.

“DON”T TOUCH ME, I’M A US CITIZEN!”

Management has a strict “Hands off” policy about crazy.

But at that point, you have to deal with mall security and then the police.

And thats no fun.

Better to stay naked at home.

Happy holidays.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,