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A holiday for fools.

April Fool’s Day has always had an ominus ring to it.

But despite my love of over-hyped hysteria concerning evil odd numbered days, it has always been a little disappointing.

No one has ever played a trick on me.

And I don’t know anyone who has ever had a trick played on them on this day.

So who has been lying to us?

Let me be the first to throw Hallmark under the bus.

If it were not for the makers of those over-priced shit scribbles, there is a whole slew of days none of us would give two shits in hell about.

But we do.

I got an April Fool’s day card in the mail yesterday.

I would tell you the absolutely crappy joke involved, but I am afraid that it would spread like a mental Ebola of the weak minded.

Suffice to say that it was a joke that could not produce a laugh, just a groan.

The pun version of being fisted, awkward and a little painful.

Perhaps a touch harsh for those reading this in the early morning, but I want everyone’s mind in the same place, a baseline, if you will.

You have to wonder what kind of mind chooses to make “Greeting” cards for a living.

The normal “Greeting” card writer has a personality profile that reads a lot like a child molester.  

Trust me, writing this blog makes me practically an FBI profiler.

The creation of these false holidays, invented to sell expensive folded paper to the simple minded.

Why is the biggest question that no one seems to ask.

Why should we care about April Fool’s Day at all?

Because we are human, and stupid, but human is the main part of that answer.

We are made up of equal parts stupidity, superstition, fear and lust.

Superstition is first of the four.

Especially in the USA, we have people from all over the world, a bigger diversity melting pot than any other country in the world.

And that is a lot of superstition.

Consider it a tribute to modern times that most of the nastier traditions of our superstitious holidays have dropped away.

No animals are killed, nobody gets hurt, and no old grannies will throw the goat horns at you.

(Personally, if you have never had an old granny throw the goat horns at you and mutter in Romanian under her breath, then spit at you, you have no idea what are missing. I once dated a Romanian girl. Beautiful girl, vile grandmother.)

The interesting thing about April Fool’s Day is that anything important happens short of death today, and most people will wonder if it is a prank.

Unless somebody dies, then it stops being a silly holiday.

But until then, its just a silly holiday.

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Posted by on April 1, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Elf on the shelf.

Elf on the shelf.

I am huge on holiday tradition.

Being Irish and Catholic, its not like I have a choice.

But there is one recent tradition I have noticed that I absolutely refuse to take part in.

Elf on the shelf.

It starts out with seemingly good intent.

The elf is watching, so it compels your kids to behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas under the vague threat that the elf will shit can their gifts if they cop an attitude.

I can only assume this was invented by weak minded parents that lost sight of the “Naughty and Nice List” concept, so they jumped ship for something newer.

But the elf?

Its creepy for starters.

Elf on the shelf.

The only thing that would scare me more is a drunken clown with a hard on chasing me.

If you search Google for “Sexual Predator map” you will find a fully searchable map of anyone convicted of a sex crime in the USA.

Who is in your neighborhood?

But, the one creepy, clammy palmed, sweaty upper lipped predator that should be on that map, is not.

Elf on the shelf.

If the Buddhists believe that your behavior in this life leads to what you are in the next, what the hell kind of depraved screw-head was the Elf on the shelf in his last life?

Just up there staring at your kids all day. You get the feeling that he would be masturbating if he could. He’s not, but you know he wants to.

Have parents truly lost that much control?

Its kind of pathetic, really.

Elf on the shelf.

If your kid’s behavior is at a point that you cannot handle it and have to resort to some sort of good behavior talisman, the game is over, you are raising criminals.

And I realize I am pulling the pin and sending myself into the hate email dunking tank on this one, but I do think there is a point to be made. (A sarcastic point, but a point none the less)

The point is that the holidays are built around guilt, but don’t stray from the traditional guilt instilled in our society by our parents and grandparents.

Because tradition is important.

Elf on the shelf.

The Jews, the Muslims, and the Irish have no elf on the shelf traditions, and for that, I salute them.

The household I grew up in? Elf on the shelf would have died horribly.

Plus the Cooking Witch would never have put up with it.

For those too ignorant to know about Cooking Witches, they are a little witch looking doll that is put on a shelf overlooking your stove.

She is there to bring luck to your cooking and make sure nothing burns.

Elf on the shelf.

Same premise as Elf on the shelf, but is not the new kid on the block, trying to make a name for himself by scaring little kids.

Why is the Cooking Witch more acceptable? I mean besides the fact that she has been there since I was a kid?

One word.

Cookies.

My mothers cookies were epic when I was a kid.

Mrs. Fields is a punk ass bitch compared to my mother’s chocolate chip cookies.

And the Cooking Witch was there, she was a part of it.

But Elf on the shelf? Its only a matter of time before he falls into the same class in society that clowns now occupy.

Once a cool thing, now just creepy and scary.

Good.

I mean, its not like he can cook.

Merry Christmas.

Elf on the shelf.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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