Tag Archives: gangster

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Court is a lot like the classical version of hell.

Horrible and boring.

I stand accused, M’lord. Guilty as charged. Mercy, M’lord, mercy.

Here is my vile crime.

I drove 2 blocks without my seatbelt on.

Chain my ass up and send me to Russia.

The truly unfortunate part of all this is that an officer of the law happened to be pulling up to a stop sign just as I turned onto my street.

Bad enough to get the ticket, but add to it my total inability to pay the damn thing on time and you have a recipe for creating my own misery.

When the ticket goes beyond 30 days, the fine doubles.

When it goes beyond 120 days?

It would be more merciful if they just held me down and beat me to death.

As it is they added a civil penalty of 10x the original fine.

Land of the free, home of the brave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, purple mountains majesty. Now pay your fucking fine and shut your mouth.

I found out years ago that if you show up, plead guilty and act polite they will reduce it back to the original fine amount.

So here I am.

Exiting the parking garage, I am treated to a wonderful site.

About 150 people in line, waiting to get in.

The line is moving briskly as we are shuttled thru the metal detector, manned by armed men.

There are about 50 people left between me and my own trip thru the metal detector when the excitement begins.

It seems a guy has been stopped at the metal detector because he forgot he had a piece of metal on him.

The metal in this case appears to be a Saturday Night Special.

A .25 calibre piece of shit that just earned him a trip to jail.

The legally armed men at the metal detector do not seem to be accepting his excuse of “Man, I forgot I had that shit on me!” and are jacking a brother up off to the side, while another legally armed man puts the gun in a baggy.

The level of stupid here is pretty impressive.

Hard to beat.

Me and the 50 people in front of me all saw this little production of “Our town- Thug life edition”.

Think of it as a cautionary tale for our times.

Don’t be that stupid, people.

So, when the guy two people in front of me got stopped at the detector for a pocket knife with a 5 inch blade, I am sure we were all a little shocked.

No more felonies are committed and I manage to get inside on time to make it to my assigned court room.

And there on the door of the courtroom, is my entire reason for being a consistent asshole to the universe.

“All cases for Division 1 will be rescheduled. Court is closed due to illness.”


Karma, you giggling bitch.

Well played.


Posted by on February 27, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Karma, we meet again.

Last year I wrote a post about a Starbucks on the edge of the “Other side of the tracks” with a cashier that “Don’t give a fuck, I’ll cut a bitch.”

That one.

Its not one I visit all that often, but my day ended up near there and I wanted some caffeine.

Well there she is.

Not a hair has changed.

She is in her early 20’s but has that aged look you get when you live a life that prematurely ages you.

Just about the oldest 20 something I have ever seen.

The last time I saw her, she had gotten married the week before and her boyfriend was arrested at the reception for being under the influence of something called “Booley”.

I have Googled, researched, and even asked a pro in the drug rehab biz, no one has a clue what “Booley” is.

Anyway, I am sad to say, while taking my order, I happened to notice that she is no longer wearing her wedding ring.

Sad when young love fails.

And yet, I would still give them better odds than the marriages of any of the Kardashians.

That is a family that gives each other new heads for Christmas.

Sorry, there is an ad for “Keeping up with the Kardashians on a website on my laptop.

I get easily distracted, blame the lack of caffeine.

The cashier, it seems, has a new dilemma, once again involving her guy. (Noticing a theme here?)

“My Abuella hasn’t heard from him. And he KNOWS I can’t get the baby, I gotta work.”

(Her ex is unreliable? Didn’t see that coming.)

And yet, as messed up as I may think her life is, she is gainfully employed and has been holding it down for at least a year.

My Spanish is dicey at best, but I at least know she is talking about her grandmother.

Daycare can be a bitch even with the right home situation.

Try doing it on your own and most single mothers are fucking magician/jugglers that handle crap that would break most others.

I am done being sarcastic about this girl.

I can be a dick at times, but even I have a heart. Somewhere.

Tough to find, but its there.

I rarely tip, but on my way out, I toss several ones in the tip jar.

Karma may be an unreliable bitch, but she sometimes pays attention.

Best to stay on her good side, never know when she might decide to get in the game.

The Starbucks has hideous parking, so I park around the block.

It is as I come around the corner that I see the cop, standing next to my car.

With complete clarity, I now see that I misread the sign and am now eligible for a parking ticket.


“This your car?” At least the cop seems friendly.

“Yes, sorry, I misread the sign.”

“Thats ok, just pay more attention next time.” Not a look back as he gets in his car and drives off.

No ticket.

Well played, Karma, well played.

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Posted by on November 25, 2013 in Uncategorized


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