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Hate and mimosas

There is hope for the world.

And its called Football.

Not European Football, not that I have anything against the LGBT community, I am a big supporter.

But Are you ready for some football?

It is Sunday and I am in a sports bar near the beach.

The place is packed and the NFL is on every wall.

And we are all Americans here.

There is a comradery among football fans that seems to be ignoring what the media tells us is impossible.

I just saw two Detroit Lions fans, total strangers of different races, embrace over a touchdown.

The fact that their team sucks is irrelevant to these men, they are tied together by their devotion to a team of ne’er-do wells who are mostly convicted felons.

Moving on.

There is a lot of smack talk, but, due to the setting, it is all but ignored.

Like the first hour of snow, it doesn’t stick.

However, like a decent snow storm, if it goes on for too long, it will not only stick, it will start to pile up.

The snow analogy might be a good one.

Because when it gets REALLY bad, these bastards will start eating people.

And that is when it all goes to suck.

Speaking of suck, my beloved Chicago Bears are currently losing their ass to that gang of thugs from Detroit.

Being a Bear’s fan is a lot like being in an abusive relationship.

You get hurt a lot, they are always sorry, and you hope for a better future.

In other words, its been a rough season.

Between the ambience of a great sports bar and the advent of online gambling, Sundays during Football season could not get any better.

And then you add mimosas.

Not something I would normally look for, the mimosa.

But, they are flowing like water and I love to go with the flow.

Champagne has the evil tendency to get you drunk quicker, its the bubbles, I am told.

It also makes the room loader, which makes me have to speak louder just to be heard above the din.

Plus, its a lot of fun.

And then, Myra came in.

Myra is not happy to discover she is in a sports bar.

I can see her confusion.

I mean, that REALLY FUCKING BIG sign out front that clearly states “Sports bar” can be misleading.

Top 3 Myra comments:

  1. “Is all the noise really necessary?” (Its a sports bar, you dipshit.)
  2. “Every TV is showing a different game, that seems so confusing. (This is a general sports bar, not a specific team bar. That is a fine point that I feel Myra is incapable of understanding.)
  3. “I am not really into sports.” (YOU ARE IN A FUCKING SPORTS BAR.)

So, beside frowning at everyone, Myra has been been making little comments to her neighbors.

And then it hits me.

Myra is sober.

There is nothing more irritating to a sober person, than a bar full of inebriated people.

Time for a social experiment.

I call the waitress over and have her take a tray of mimosas to Myra’s table.

She is not allowed to say who they are from.

This is not the high end move it sounds like, the mimosa special makes them ridiculously cheap.

After a little fluster and questioning of the waitress, the mimosas are accepted.

Myra and her table toast the room in a sign of good faith.

And the rest goes like clockwork.

They order the next round a few minutes later, alcohol being like potato chips, you can’t have just one.

In short order, Myra has stopped bitching and has become a rowdy personality.

Turns out she loves the Cowboys, predictable, but a good sign.

So, here are the results of my little experiment.

Alcohol can solve most problems.

The results don’t lie.

Are you ready for some football?

(And a few mimosas?)

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4 Comments

Posted by on December 16, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Fantasy football and masturbation.

Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.

Fantasy Football.

At the end of every season, I swear I will never play again.

And then, like a retirement notice from Brett Favre, I rescind it five minutes later.

Its the ads, the commercials, its like a hooker flashing her tits at you, you can’t resist.

(Get the feeling I lost half of my audience there. Ok, I will curb the hooker talk.)

Whats the harm? I say the same thing to myself every year, like an Alzheimer’s patient that has never gone dome this road before.

And every year, by mid-season, I regret it.

I didn’t even get thru the forth game of the season before I am throwing in the towel and giving it up for good.

And the reason lies in two locations.

San Francisco and Denver.

The Quarterback of San Francisco, is the main quarterback of my team.

I will not be mentioning his name, kind of like you don’t mention the devil’s name for fear you draw his wrath.

But he is a world class QB, or at least he is when he is not on my team.

He was great the first game of the season, and has sucked ass the last two weeks.

So I benched him.

He had a sub par game, and my backup had much better game.

So everything should be great, right?

Wrong.

Enter Payton Manning, quarterback of Denver and is a solid FUCKING shoe in for a first round vote into the Football Hall of Fame.

I would be in a winning position but, after 3 quarters of football, Payton has thrown for over 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

Its like consensual date rape. I agreed to it, but its rougher than I expected.

Either way, my ass hurts.

At the beginning of the season, I could see myself in the Fantasy Super Bowl, winning a little cash or prize on the side.

Now? I am a sports addiction cautionary tale.

Nothing sadder than a man at the bottom of the pile.

And the really shitty part is, I know better.

But, football is much like coffee.

Its an addictive drug, but its an excepted one.

Thats the tough part.

You are not going to generate any sympathy when you say you have an issue with something people consider to be harmless.

Its a lot like how women see masturbation.

Take it or leave it.

Right.

Every man out there has dealt with the voracious appetite of his penis at one time or another.

And, no, you can’t just walk away from it.

One of these days, I will explain it to you, but if you don’t get it from the start, its going to take a long time to explain.

On to better subjects.

Fantasy Hockey starts soon, and I have a really good feeling about this year.

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4 Comments

Posted by on September 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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