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Talking about ass here…

“Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”

Someone threw that line at me recently.

As my twisted mind spent the next 20 minutes finishing that line.

Here are the top 3 second halfs to that phrase:

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one-

  1. And unless its your own, it stinks. (Think I’m wrong? Next time you are at the bank, bend over and stick your nose in the ass crack of the lady ahead of you. Once the effects of being maced and/or tased fade, see if you can remember if it stank or not. And if she was hot, the test is now tainted. Guys will accept anything for hot chicks.)
  2. And mine is better than most. (I have to say, this is the God’s honest truth. My ass is awesome. I’m not saying you could bounce a quarter off of it like when I was a pre-teen alter boy, but if I shaved it, man or woman you could not keep your hands to yourself.)
  3. And keep your finger out of mine. (I think that line speaks for itself.)

There comes a point when you need to recognize that your opinion is just that, an opinion.

And then…..

Let it the fuck GO.

I have had 3 instances that simply pointing out the hypocrisy or the irony about some screed that someone posted online led to upset.

And the level of butthurt that went on was shocking.

2 of them were about how to live your life.

Vague, tough love credos tend to be the type of thing that goes over big in the off the rack society generated by social media.

The one thing that they all seem to have in common is that they badger you about how big a waste of time social media is, while using social media links like the biggest attention whores on the internet.

The 3rd one had such a solid base of hypocrisy, it was like the literary version of slight of hand.

It started off talking about the ultimate acceptance of all things and all people and posited that everyone is right.

Religion, politics, social conventions, and anything else you can think of.

And then, the next 3 quarters of the screed was a promotion of their personal religious/political belief is the only thing that makes sense to the point of other beliefs being ridiculous.

The biggest mistake you can make when dealing with the echo chamber mentality of modern thought, is to voice either a contrary opinion or not praising it immediately.

And I want to feel bad, but there has to be a line where people stop being coddled.

The base understanding needs to be made that not everything one person or group believes is right.

Sometimes, and lets all take this step together, sometimes there are multiple correct things.

And this is where coffee comes in.

Because when someone makes a comment that you either disagree with or you think is simply half tarded, you can just pick up your cup and take a long sip, then sigh, and say the following:

“Eh, what are you gonna do?”

At first glance, I realize how that line looked to those who have never done it.

But try it, honestly, you will be shocked.

Its the move that they will see as whatever they want it to be.

And it saves the butthurt.

Plus you get to drink your coffee.

Life would be easier if all communication was centered around coffee.

Mmmm coffee….

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Posted by on June 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Sorry would indicate regret…Nope

All hell is breaking loose, people!

We are talking scorched earth, end of days, shit going down kind of stuff.

Because PEOPLE ARE UPSETTING US!

There is a growing current of people who don’t want to hear one more word of politics on Facebook.

They are sick of it.

It is upsetting, it ruins their day, its also childish.

Screeching about politics on people’s Facebook page is some of the most entertaining shit you will ever read.

It starts out innocently enough, somebody posts a totally non-political comment, possibly with a photo.

And then the extremist shows up, and the whole thing goes nuts.

I bullshit a lot, but the following happened.

A friend posted a pic of their daughter who just got her driver’s license.

Under it was the caption “Look out world, she’s on the road!”

It was cute and got cute replies, as it should have.

(The new driver was a pretty girl of Latin heritage. There is a reason I am mentioning this and its not racism, at least not by me.)

Enter the pitbull.

“She better enjoy it while she can, cause Trump hates Mexicans and she is going to be rounded up! NOW IS THE TIME TO RISE UP!”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to fuck with people and say upsetting things to other people on Facebook.

But you don’t go after someones kids, that is just rude.

Come after mine and I will kneecap you and you’ll never walk again.

The comments after that were off the chart ugly after that, it was awesome.

I am kind of an agent of chaos in all of this due to one basic fact that escapes most people.

A large amount of the people you see and interact with on Facebook don’t actually exist.

They are like swamp gas or weather balloons, they make people see whatever their mind wants them to see.

So you can fuck with them, twist them around, friend and unfriend, block or unblock and it doesn’t make one bit of difference in the world.

About 2 years ago, I wrote a post that, in the opinions of people I really don’t respect if we’re being truthful, was obscene, vulgar and rude.

And it was.

But it set a personal record for highest number of complaints and unfriendings in the blog history.

And I actually never noticed any impact on my life.

And thats when it hit me.

They don’t exist.

They aren’t real.

Like characters in a book, when you put the book down, their world is over.

This blog is like a microcosm of Facebook, but my own personal that you have chosen to peek in on.

I bask in the praise, giggle at the outrage and write for the simple fact that it gives me a masturbatory pleasure without chafing.

And its also a great excuse to sit in a Starbucks and sip coffee for hours.

Mmmmmm coffee.

(Never lose sight of why we are here.

 
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Posted by on February 3, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Not everything is real.

Never argue politics with a monkey, you aren’t going to get a good argument and it just frustrates the monkey and at some point he will unfriend you on Facebook. (Not a racial comment, but kind of a smack at what passes for intelligence nowadays.)

I got a serious hard on over the idea that I could offend people to the point of unfriending me on Facebook.

So I spent my whole week attacking people’s heartfelt beliefs.

Abortion? I argued both sides on the same comment thread, loud and arrogantly.

Blue vs Red? Again, I was a duplicitous, hypocritical shithead to anyone who would listen.

Hell, mid-week I was claiming that Girlscout cookies were a plot of the Russians, 2 comments later I posted video of Vlad Putin doing judo and claimed that I had changed my rescue dog’s name from Buttercup to Putin. (Side note: I don’t have a rescue dog named Buttercup. I have a collection of angry wolf pics that I claim is my dog. Its just to stir up shit with my simple minded animal rescue friends. Hysterical.)

The tally by the end of the week was 4 people unfriended me and a special 5th unfriended then texted me, calling me a cunt. (I have not figured out if I am offended yet.)

My favorite comment of the week was to a, for lack of a better term, Libtard that had the annoying habit of insulting people and then being a pussy and claiming he wasn’t.

The line that preceeded my comment was his.

“I thought thought this was America, freedom of speech and all that.” (In the context of the discussion, it was condescending and douchie)

My comment:

“Try not to think, its not your strength and it only makes my dick itch. Shut your dick holder and be quiet, the adults are talking.”

Unfriended in under one minute from when I pressed enter, a new record.

All in all, its been a fun week.

There is a part of me that really should be questioning whether or not this is a good thing.

Except that I don’t care.

I mean, the people who unfriended me are not really going to be missed, so I can’t see a downside to this.

But my disappointment is huge.

I am of the firm opinion that you, in a certain sense, can be judge by the acquaintances you keep.

If they can’t be challenged on what they claim is their core beliefs without unfriending people, what does that say about me?

Why was I ok with friending that weak minded piece of shit in the first place?

I blame myself.

Moving on.

If I could keep up that kind of pace, I could be totally FB friendless by my birthday.

And wouldn’t that be awesome?

If you are confused, let me explain.

See, Facebook isn’t real.

If I know you in real life, we are varying degrees of friends.

But, on Facebook?
It is iffy that you exist at all.

But you are definitely there for my amusement.

This is not as sociopathic as you think.

Its more of an eccentric continual search for amusement.

Harmless and amusing.

Just not for you.

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Shhhh, nobody cares

There are times I love Facebook and times I hate it.

I tend to use it as a playground, treating everyone on it like playthings.

I see how much shit I can stir up on a regular basis.

And if you think there is no shit to stir, you are the shit.

Some people I go after their reaction like I am fishing for trout.

My high point was my fake account for the largest high school in Des Moines, Iowa.

There was a study that said this was the most average place in the USA.

So I created a profile, loaded a bunch of group pics, never a single person pic and choose a name that was similar to all the names on the largest high school alumni page in Des Moines.

I commented a lot on the Alumni page and then began sending out friend requests.

Within a month, I had over 200 friends, several people that say they remembered me and one girl that claims I made out with her at a party.

There was a vile part of me that really enjoyed slapping around these cyber mice like a digital cat, and a noticeable lack of remorse.

Evidently I have no shame.

Or if I do, I also have some sort of emotional disconnect that keeps it from influencing my actions.

I am good with that.

Everyone should have a hobby. (Fucking with people.)

And then there is times I hate Facebook for what it does to people.

It seems to bring out the therapy dependent tendencies in some.

These tendencies manifest in two different ways.

The first is a need for reassurance.

It starts with a passive aggressive statement about eliminating people unless there is some sort of response.

The immediate reaction is a reply of “Please don’t unfriend me.”

I immediately ask to be unfriended.

They usually think I am kidding.

Sad thing is, I am not kidding.

Who has time for this drama?

I deliberately use the word drama because there are those that constantly mention trying to avoid drama.

And they are the ones that are always hip deep in it.

The second tendency comes in the form of continually posting self help posters about how a real man/friend will treat you.

Its exhausting.

I stop being nice at this point.

I don’t have that kind of time.

There will never be a time that I make any demands of anyone on Facebook other than to try to force you to stand up to me.
I am a bully of sorts.

Usually I will push the various buttons of those that present themselves as Alpha types.

You want to play with the big dogs, learn to show your teeth.

Plus, in a sick way, its a lot of fun.

The biggest key that NO ONE seems to get is that none of this should be taken seriously.

Somebody said its like high school.

Not even that grown up in my eyes.

More like a sandbox of children all armed with smart phones.

So, if I happen to throw a little sand your way, wipe your eyes, pull up your big kid pants and throw some back.

Remember, nobody like a crybaby.

Child or adult.

A test reader just asked me why I sound like an ass.

Good, I am hitting the right tone.

So if one more person asks me to answer an obviously cut and pasted posted with a single word about how we met then repost, my answer will be “FISTING” and I don’t care how many coworkers and elder relatives they are Facebook friends with.

Just saying.

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Tis the season…

Its the holiday season and much is afoot.

People have been gearing up for commercial blockbuster of Xmas since before Thanksgiving.

However, many of the retailers are carefully avoiding using the word Xmas. They have been carefully told that it will offend people.

But, and I have asked more than 5 people who would be offended if they could be offended, and they could not give a shit about it.

A Muslim friend said he thought it was nice, that the sentiment was appreciated.

A Jewish friend lamented the fact that he doesn’t get Xmas gifts because he is Jewish, and he has a tree and everything.

A transgender friend seemed confused with the question and then showed me his(Her?) Facebook pic of his tree. Hours went into this gaudy nightmare. (I was called an anti-Xmas prick for that comment. I am a male by birth but I identify as an asshole.)

A homeless guy outside 7-11, (He identifies as smelly) ignored the question and told me a story about how he needs money to take a bus to his mom’s house. Seeing as how he appeared to be in his 60’s, I found his story improbable. I gave him a dollar anyway, its Xmas.

So, it turns out that the only people who are offended with the word Christmas are the same self-hating, uptight sphincters that would get their panties in a twist about anything and everything.

And since everything offends them, fuck em, lost cause trying to cater to those tards.

So I will make it my goal to truly offend people this year, just for the sake of the holiday spirits.

Malloy, my associate blogger, when I mentioned I had nothing for a blog this week, suggested that since people are stressed for the holidays, keep it light.

Here is why I not only can’t do that, but flat out won’t do that:

Because you didn’t come here to meditate.

This is not a blog about animal rescue or yoga.

This is a vulgar little blog that uses sarcasm like a heroin addict uses a needle to try and get you to shoot coffee out of your nose, once a week.

With that in mind, here are three filthy jokes:

  1. 2 flies land on a piece of shit. One fly farts loudly. The other fly says, “Do you mind? I’m trying to eat here!” (Ok, not sex filthy, but filthy.)
  2. A beautiful woman in a real mink coat is approached by an animal rights person. “Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?” The beautiful woman replies, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?” (Legitimately filthy, hope it pissed someone off.)
  3. What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (One of those ones that most ladies and gentlemen laugh at, but a few of both genders will go “Ewwww”.)

When you get down to it, the holidays are about family, faith, commercialism, drama, financial woes and drinking.

You can try to argue any parts of that you wish, but each and every one of those are valid, so you are wasting your time.

I will spend as much time this Xmas as I can with family, I will watch my mouth and be nicer than usual.

I will probably have a cocktail or two, at which point I will have no control over my mouth, which will create drama.

I will worry about money for gifts, worry about this years taxes, looming in the distance. I will buy items and help the economy. I will buy from small businesses and big alike. The really dumb meme online that says “When you buy from a small business, you are helping someone pay for their daughter’s dance lessons and not some CEO’s 3rd house. First of all, your daughter is not that talented and dance lessons are NOT going to help. Second of all, who the fuck do you think works for big companies? There is a crap load of delusional parents with clumsy daughters working for big business.

I will get to church at some point before Xmas day. If any atheists are offended by my mentioning church, bite me. There is a God and I can prove it. Go to BestBuy and check out a new Chromebook. That kind of perfection does not just happen, brother.

Xmas is that time of the year that we kind of admit that we are shitty people who try to be a little better for the holidays.

Its like an adult “Elf on the Shelf” that keeps us in line, take away that and we are in trouble.

So, here is the game plan:

Be a little nicer.

Don’t over spend.

Don’t be a cheap asshole.

Avoid the drama.

Do something nice you would not normally do for a total stranger, but tell no one.

Fact check anything you want to share on Facebook.

Do NOT get caught drinking at work, you need that job.

Have fun.

Be good.

 

Tis the season…

 

 
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Posted by on December 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The smell of doom.

I am not sure how much more I can take.

Everyone has been acting all week like this is no big deal.

Like I have not been in danger of shitting myself at any moment.

Friday the 13th, like its nothing to worry about.

Here is a fact:

  1. 18 years ago, on FRIDAY THE 13TH, I broke a toe on the doorjam of my kitchen.
  2. 22 years ago, on FRIDAY THE 13TH, I not only walked into a spider web, but I inadvertently swallowed a spider. (Pucker factor alone made me throw up a little in my mouth just now.)
  3. In the last 30 years, the following job-ending activities have happened within a few days of FRIDAY THE 13TH: 2 layoffs, 1 boss died, 1 fire and the accidental killing of the boss’s wife’s cat by my own negligence. Lotta negative shit here, people.

Now that you have a little back story, you can see the clear connection to a random number on the calendar and how it will be directly responsible for my oddly suspicious death.

So feel free to tempt fate and wander around today while death tries to fit you onto its schedule later today.

I will be hiding under the bed with my coffee and numchucks.

What I don’t get is that people wander around like everything is fine.

Would I be under the bed if everything was alright? Of course not.

Which reminds me, I need to sweep under the bed.

But I think we have all forgotten the fact that the FEAR of bad things happening on Friday the 13th is founded on scientific principles, proven as fact again and again.

I read that on a website on the INTERNET, so you know it’s true.

The only thing that would make it more true is if someone posted it on Facebook, the you know its a fact.

And there are those that choose to be ignorant and belittle those of us with the experience and wisdom to see the foul karmic shit storm today poses. Let them stew in their silly denial of the truth, then cry like slow children when fate takes a shit on them.

Me? Safe under the bed, highly caffeinated and heavily armed.

Outside? Zombie holocaust. Or something. I wouldn’t know, really. Not gonna look. Its horrible, whatever it is.

But, if the fates are kind, it won’t be too bad.

I gotta go to work tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on November 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The naive 1% who care, but not really.

Stop trying to guilt me into doing something that will do ABSOLUTELY nothing to help someone else.

“99% of you will not share this…” This beautiful little slice of massive guilt is always contained somewhere within the message on Facebook, shared by some soft-headed prole who’s lemming-like instincts FORCED them to stab the “Share” button.

And the message is always some over the top, hideous tale that would make both Sarah McLachlan  and the dogs cry their eyes out.

The bulk of the message is some syrupy wretched tale of woe that is the stuff of nightmares.

But, half or three quarters of the way thru the poorly worded message is a guilt trip that would put a jewish mother to shame.

And, the demand is always the same.

“Please share this and get the word out. I know that 99% of you don’t have the heart, while the 1% who will actually care.”

Translation? “YOU ROTTEN GUILT FUCK!”

Now, and this really is the interesting part, clicking like or share does absolutely nothing for the particular wretch involved.

Even just spreading awareness it still does nothing in terms of forming a response.

It reminds me of the social media campaign to fight human trafficking.

It took picture of celebrities holding a sign that says “Real men don’t buy girls.” And put them on Facebook with the guilt-share demand.

Are we talking about hookers or slaves?

30 seconds of Google research later, it turns out that its both.

Children forced into prostitution and/or forced into porn or old school slavery, presumably out of the country.

An ugly business, but one that has only one certainty.

And that is, clicking “Share” will not help anyone. At all. Seriously. No fucking around here. Really. Like head-out-of-your-ass really.

And the use of Sean Penn as a deterrent is a little iffy at best.

I seem to remember an early interview with him in which he admitted to visiting prostitutes.

His sign should have read, “Real men don’t buy girls, ANYMORE.”

I am probably going to get sued for that one.

I am fine with that, he can have half of a penniless blog as a settlement.

I have been taking Muay Thai and Judo to prepare for his attacking me on the street.

I figure if he is willing to swing at photographers that get too close, he would be more than willing to beat me like a rented mule for outright slander.

Rumor has it that Madonna got into kickboxing shortly after the divorce.

But, that is the problem with the empty headed idiocy of social media.

People can get the emotional quick fix of thinking they are involved and doing something, all the while not doing a damn thing that will actually help.

Like the sex trafficking issue.

The people, mainly men, who engage in that industry, from John’s buying quick time in a gas station bathroom, to the serious slave traders, could care less than a shit about what you think of them.
The people who sell other people understand money and guns and that is pretty much it.

A pimp is never a timid person, easily swayed by public opinion and the slave traders are down right brutal.

The bottom line is, if you want to get involved, get off your ass.

If not, quit making an ass out of yourself by pretending you are.

Some of us are sick of this shit.

 
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Posted by on August 8, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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