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What did you get her?

The setting is this.

Starbucks. Morning. Saturday. Insomnia. Coffee. Mmmmm. Few people. Guy on phone. Talking too loud. I am sitting too close. GO.

Here is what I have figured out so far.

He is talking to someone on the phone. Has to be a woman and based on a comment about “When we were kids.” I am guessing its his sister.

He is divorced. Its a Saturday, he is alone and not working on a “Honey-do” list. Also, there is no wedding ring, but perhaps a dent in his ring finger from a ring in the past.

Plus there is that single guy confusion rather than that married guy “certainty of being just plain fucked” aura to him.

And it seems that he has run into an impasse with a woman he is dating.

Evidently, he screwed things up last night and has called his sister to get her perspective on his mistakes.

He has yet to sleep with said woman he is dating yet.

But, they have discussed it.

She has mentioned being good at blowjobs. (Odds are she never said this. She said something that he interpreted as concerning blowjobs.)

He, surprise surprise here, likes a good bj. (You and every other swinging dick out there, buddy.)

Don’t start groaning yet, we all know its coming, but don’t get ahead of the story.

So, he got her a rather expensive jacket, and gave it to her a few days before Christmas.

So, deer in the headlights, no gift to give him back, she indicated that she hadn’t gotten him anything yet.

So he suggested a blowjob.

The stupid peeps out there are wondering what is wrong with this.

There are a number of ways to take this, and none of them are good.

The nicest way I can think of is that he gave her dick for Christmas, wrapped in a jacket.

And you want to save the paper on that one.

The worst way is that he called her an old school whore.

I have yet to make this particular mistake, not sure how I missed that.

I never intend to make mistakes, but I have a problem with running my mouth.

And, if you ramble long enough, just about anything is capable of coming out of your mouth.

I have been dealing with this for so long, that when everything goes wrong, I tend to just laugh.

And that never helps.

Nothing takes a pissed off woman and shoves her rage thru the freaking rafters than laughing when she’s pissed.

But this guy has an innocent stupidity to him that is almost endearing.

I mean, he’s giving away dick for Christmas, and she is at the head of the line.

She should feel good that he holds her in such high esteem.

And she could be at the front of that line or the back. Count your blessings.

Seems like a win-win, right?

All of a sudden he and I both being divorced makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?

Remember, always save the paper, no matter what its wrapped around.

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Posted by on January 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The weaker sex.

Divorced women have a serious agenda.

When a man gets divorced, we go thru this juvenile “I’m free” thing in our heads. This leads to a lot of whoring around whenever possible, but usually a rejuvenation of the personality. Its like the filter of marriage dampens you down and shuts you up. In divorce, you suddenly find the handcuffs off that you didn’t realize were there, and you can now speak your mind.  This is sometimes a good thing.But what if you are kind of an obnoxious dick?

Take up blogging, works like a fucking charm.

Women, however, view divorce as a kaleidoscope of things.

Empowering, rejuvenating, reinvention, life changing. They start new businesses, join a book club, read these books. (Not even the trashy stuff, but stuff Oprah recommends) Often times, a support group erupts.

And that is when the trouble begins.

Oprah is not pro man. This is a given. She is part of that, “Men are the problem.” thing. Keep in mind that Oprah is single and has been for a long time. Never take your car to a mechanic that never learned to drive. She has a female friend, named Gayle, that goes everywhere with her, and a constantly missing man in her life named Stedman. If a friend in high school had the same scenario in their life, you would have called bullshit long ago.

I have a relative that has had a long time girlfriend, that no one has ever met, but hangs out 24 7 with his “buddy” and room mate. They even go on vacation together because they are such good “Friends”. (Putting quotes around anything makes it suspect.) No one is really fooled, but it has made for some wonderfully awkward Thanksgiving dinners over the years. The yearly answer to mom’s question of when is he getting married and having kids is met with stock quotes from the Liberace play book. “I’m working too much.” “I’m concentrating on my career.” Laughing in the middle of the silence that follows will get you chewed out by my mother in a heartbeat, trust me on that one.

Sorry, off on a tangent there.

Divorced women tend to get together to talk about something called “Feelings”

Stop laughing, I’m being serious here.

Divorced women should never be allowed to congregate together.

Whole lotta “All men are bastards!” Oprah shit going down. Its a mob mentality at that point as they support and empower the living shit out of each other. I’ve seen it and its a terrifying thing. Nobody ends up dead but suddenly, the alimony triples and she’s fighting over custody of your pet rock.

Because here’s the problem.

We are bastards.

Sounds simple, but think about it. It is like that old Aesop’s fable about the woman that finds the half dead snake, nurses him back to health, and when he bites her and she asks how could he do that? He says, you knew I was a snake when you took me in.

Exactly.

And no, I am not saying that all men will wander around with their penis out, 24 7, looking for takers. But we
do still slither around quite a bit. By the purist definition of a divorced woman men are bastards, even the good one. Ask a holy roller, born again Christian if someone that doesn’t go to their church is sinful. 10 for 10 they are a sinner.

Its the perspective the shapes the answer, even before you ask the question.

But we are still men. Most women want a man to “Be a man”. But only to a woman’s definition. Again, perspective. Sensitive, funny, caring, intellectual, loves my mother, good with children, has an eye for flowers and foreign films, loves cats, is not afraid to cry and loves quiche.

Those men are out there, but they’re gay.

Just to throw it out there, I like quiche, but very hetero. I have it on authority from a gay friend that I am
what is referred to as “Tragically hetero”, and that even faking it is not very believable. I asked him if thats an insult, and he said only if you are gay.

Women are complicated creatures, you hear that one a lot.. No their not, they’re nuts! Beware of any creature that can bleed for 3 days, AND NEVER DIE.

Women are from Venus.

Great, aliens.

It all comes into focus. Its pretty obvious that women didn’t come from this planet.
Because if women are from Venus, men are from earth.

Or, it could just be a bullshit metaphor.

Maybe we are just spending too much time over-thinking it.

Perhaps the basic truth of it all is this:

Are you ready for someone in your life?

Simple question, complex answer. One of those ass-clenching, night sweats type answers. The more I think about this one, the worse it gets.

Really ready. Not just “I hope I meet someone” while you are still in marriage counseling, or spending all of your disposable income on meth. Timing is a bitch, but it also pays to be realistic and prepared.

To be ready for someone in your life, you have to sort out enough of your baggage and shit and pare it down to have room for someone without it being sabotaged before it even starts. It means, if your feeling are backed up, like an emotional constipation, that you deal with it and get around it.

Got an addiction? Thats a lover all on its own, and a jealous one at that. You have to break up with her. Talk about hell having no fury. The ex from hell.

It all boils down to dealing with everything that can trip you up. All the collected shit that you have gained over the years and hangs around your neck like a weight, holding you back and pulling you under.

The alternative is to do nothing and watch whatever relationship you have go tits up like a dead cockroach.

And spending your relationship eternity in the dust behind the refrigerator?

It sucks.

 
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Posted by on August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Do you realize what you are saying?

  We live in a world where 50% of everyone you see on your way to work is on their cell phone. And with the advent of more communication, more marriages are breaking up due to “Lack of communication.” We are talking more, but hearing less.

  And then theres me. I hear a lot. Certainly not what’s said to me, ask my ex-wife about that one. But I hear what people say to others around me.

  In other words, I listen in.

  There is a guy on his phone in my favorite Starbucks right now, that is talking on his cell phone to a friend, possibly his attorney, about his strategy to F-over his soon to be ex-wife. Loudly, with everyone around able to hear it. At the same time, he is making side comments to a woman I believe he met in line. They are both waiting for they’re coffee creations. She is being polite and I think he imagines himself to be sweetly dangerous with the ladies. I appreciate an asshole attitude on occasion, but this guy is a complete bastard.

  Judging from the expressions of everyone around him, the crowd agrees. I think I just saw the Barrista spit in his latte.

  From the look on his face, his lawyer just tried to call him on his proposed behavior. His only comment?

  “The kids are young, they’ll get over it.”

  Wow.

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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