This is a don’t ask, don’t tell blog.
The two ladies coming into my favorite breakfast place appear to be a couple. (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Seinfeld circa 1993)
I wear my hair short and one of them even have me beat.
One lady is wearing mom jeans and a tshirt, shoulder length hair.
Lets call her Julie. (Why not?)
Her partner is close to 6 foot. Broad shoulders. Super short hair. Scowling.
Khakis, steel toed chuckaboots, and a faded Springsteen “Born in the USA” tshirt.
Let’s call her Mike.
They stand in front of the menu, looking at the breakfast goodies.
Julie says, in a soft voice, “Breakfast burrito sounds good.”
The cashier takes that as a sign to start taking orders.
“Breakfast burrito, would you like ham, bacon or sausage on that?”
Julie takes 1.9 seconds to open her mouth to answer.
And that is too fucking long for Mike.
Angry mouth 2 inches from Julie’s ear, Mike has had it with her shit.
“Are you going to fucking order?”
0 to 60 1.9 seconds has to be a record of some sort.
There are 2 more explosions from Mike before the order is taken.
The cashier looks a lot like a horse in a forest fire, eyes rolling, stuttering and looks like she might bolt at any moment.
The weird part is that it is a large open room that seems to absorb the tension so that no one around them seems to notice.
Except for me.
But only because I notice everything.
The Fates are kind at times and today is one of those days.
Mike and Julie take a seat at the table behind me.
I can hear pretty clearly.
And it is a conversation that makes ADD look stable by comparison.
Here is a 5 minute sample:
- Shitty comment.
- Inquiry about upcoming 4th of July Party.
- Inquiry about the time thru angry clenched teeth. (Still don’t get that one.)
- Compliment about patriotic tshirt purchase.
- Shitty comment that included the use of the “C” word.
- Mention of interracial porn likes/dislikes.
- Shitty self deprecating comment.
- Desire to see a movie tonight.
- Shitty comment.
It was exhausting to follow and keep in mind, I talk to the homeless on occasion.
In the end, it was simply a couple in a bad relationship, having a bad morning.
And the take away for all of you is, no matter what your choice of relationship is, avoid the toxic ones if you can.
But it was entertaining.
There is a joke that plays on the observation that a lot of lesbians get serious way too quick.
What gift does a lesbian buy for a second date? A Uhaul truck. (That joke was told to me by lesbians that I hold in high esteem and in the right circles, that joke kills.)
The take away for me, is the image of Mike, angrily eating pancakes and muttering fuck into her coffee.
And that is what America is all about.
Happy 4th of July.