RSS

Tag Archives: christmas

Ho, Ho, Hoe

Sometimes the holiday season can come upon you like an STD, painful and embarrassing.

And you find yourself worrying about it on the toilet a lot.

Its a lot like stages of grief.

Denial. “It can’t be Christmas already?!?!” (Stop posting affirmation memes on FB for 2 fucking seconds and look at the calendar.)

Anger. “I hate how commercial it is!” (And yet YOU feed the beast, every year.)

Bargaining. “Alright, I can skip the gym 2 days a week and just budget my time tighter, that will work, right?” (It is one of those lines that you know are a lie when you say them. Its your baby, sure I’ll pay you back, I’ll pull out, that sort of thing.)

Depression. “Fuck it, I don’t care, this year is just fucked because of blah, blah, blah.” (There is a certain charm to being totally fucked, but that statement makes no sense to those who have never bottomed out.)

Acceptance. “I am going to get a good tree this year!” (Control the shit you can control.)

That being said, Christmas is coming, time to start fat shaming the goose just prior to his death.

Personally, you couldn’t make me eat goose with a gun to my head.

I once ate foie-gras (Goose liver, but God knows what they do to it.) in Paris during my peace mission to France. (My Great grandfather was a war hero and hated the French with a passion he usually reserved for the English (We’re Irish) or the Italians (Just because).

Foie-Gras was so foul I suddenly understood my great grandfather and the French. (2 bottles of wine later, I tried foie-gras again. Still nasty.)

I work with one of those annoying vegetarians that claims to be much healthier but is always out sick.

I am an unapologetic carnivore.

Meaning that it wouldn’t bother me to be in on the kill, but my work schedule prohibits it. (For the record, the last time I was sick was 2 years ago. Sinus infection that cleared up in a few days.)

My immune system is a lot like a 6’8 special forces soldier, its not afraid of anything, it just figures out how to kill it.

But go ahead and eat your fucking bean sprouts.

Can you feel Christmas in the air?
People are spending money and planning for the day.

It quit being a religious day for the masses awhile ago.

And I am ok with that.

Faith is Faith, you either have it or not, regardless of what day you get off of work.

But, when the day comes and you end up roasting in Hell, don’t come bitching to me.

I will be having a steak with the Almighty while you and the vegetarians get yours.

I am not wishing hell on you, just to be clear.

Vegetarians, yes., fuck those guys.

Oh, and coffee, there will be coffee.

I am fairly certain the Almighty is a dark roast guy.

Happy holidays.

Mmmmmm coffee.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

One for the ladies…

There is a holiday show on right now that has a penniless single mom who gave some woman CPR on the way to work, saves a life, is fired by the shitty Grinch she works for for being late and after a LOT of HIGHLY improbable “Notebook” type shit, she finds true love and the woman she save sends her a Christmas card with a few grand in it.

And I found myself changing my ways.

My caffeine soaked, Grinch-like heart has grown three sizes and I am about to toboggan my hairy ass down the mountain to Whoville.

Because that’s where the money is.

The next well monied old biddy that goes tits up in front of me has my full attention.

I will suck start that old broad back to life.

Right after I run her credit.

She’s turning blue, I will get eye contact for a sec.

“WHAT’S THE LAST 4 OF YOUR SOCIAL? THE LAST 4?!?!”

She has over a 750 and I’m jingling her chimes for the holidays.

I will be in the will before the paramedics get there. (I am a registered minister. I can perform it all myself. I am also a notary.)

Have I upset anyone?

Awwww, and don’t I just feel terrible about that?

It is officially that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

That time of year when anyone connected with retail laments their life choices and plots their suicide.

If you are a parent, you might be lamenting your life choices and plotting your suicide.

While the rest of us give thought to what to get our kids for Xmas. (I used Xmas on purpose. Lets leave Christ out of this, its more about the shopping. He was never a big shopper anyway.)

Stock market is booming, people are working and life is good, right?

Depends on who you talk to.

Half the government is denying they wiggled their dick at anyone and the other half is busy apologizing for it.

Thank god they are not outing regular Joe’s like me.

Have I wiggled my dick at the opposite sex on occasion?

You’re goddam right I have!

But, while I have never been prosecuted or forced to step down from a job, I might hesitate to run for office.

What is so sad is, the first accusation comes out and these entertainment bigwigs/politicians immediately claim it never happened, they don’t remember it and never met the accuser.

And then more accusations come in, like there is a line forming in the hallway.

And then their career goes the way of Bill Cosby.

Now, I would like to take a swing at Bill Cosby and his 54 rapes, but it suddenly occurs to me that I have a daughter.

So fuck that guy and his brother Russell.

Its almost upsetting enough to ruin my coffee.

I said almost, lets not get crazy.

Mmmmm coffee.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Sitting on Santa’s lap.

Christmas is coming, the geese is getting fat.

Holiday shit has gone South with the geese.

It certainly does not help that geese, prepared right, is kind of delicious.

Same goes for Dolphin. (I know, bad human. It is what it is and half of you are outraged.)

However, since its that time of the year that everybody is a little more prone to forgiveness, I have a shot at an existential kitchen pass on this one.

Maybe not.

Moving on.

There is a serious magic that goes on during this time of year.

I will give you a hint, it is not that holiday spirit, milk of human kindness or any of that shit.

Its called baking.

Holiday baking is a vanishing art that is a lot like magic, everyone claims they can do it, very few can and the rest is inedible crap.

The much sainted ex could bake like a fiend.

I should have argued for bakery visitation in the divorce, but I was drinking a lot.

Moving on.

There are only a few more shopping days till Christmas.

So get off your ass.

And get online to Amazon.

I don’t even leave the house anymore.

Amazon has made shopping too easy and God knows how lazy I can get.

Doesn’t matter what it is, you can find it at Amazon.

When your kids are little, the whole year revolves around Christmas.

You bust your ass to make it happen.

And then, they grow up.

Priorities shift and you find yourself getting more into the family side of it.

Like you finally caught your breath.

My big thing now is that I like to cook breakfast for the family.

Bacon, eggs, toast, hashbrowns and waffles.

A solid vegetarian offering.

There are a lot of folks who get into the holidays in a big way.

And some that don’t.

Very few have no opinion.

Its a lot like pissing in the shower.

You either do or you don’t.

And nobody is in between. (Except for a high school party where I stood outside the bathtub and peed into it. 3 people were already peeing in the toilet and there was no room.)

For those that don’t, go ahead and keep pissing and moaning about how annoying it all is.

The holidays are a lot like a steamroller, there is no stopping it, and if you stand in the way, it will just roll right over you.

The one holiday tradition that still bothers me is the Elf on the shelf.

Its a newer tradition and the reason it bothers me is that it is unnecessary.

Santa knows if you have been naughty or nice, the elf supposedly reports to Santa like a good behavior narc.

I am secretly holding out hope that, like all narcs, Elf on the shelf has a life-threatening boot stomping coming to him.

But alas, the best I can hope for is the occasional out of control 5 year old tearing him apart when mom is not looking. (5 year olds are a lot like socially acceptable velociraptors, blood-thirsty and terrible.)

But, once your shopping is over, you can concentrate on the important stuff.

Secret drinking and hating your relatives.

That sounds like a one off funny line.

More truth there the more you look, so don’t look too closely.

The holidays are like a bar pick up.

Its the setting and the alcohol that makes it attractive, just don’t look too closely.

If you are lucky, the holidays will not boil your blood pressure too much, and the gifts will not force you into bankruptcy.

And that is the true gift of the holidays.

Survival.

Merry Christmas.

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 23, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Because Christmas, asshole.

There is a point during the year that the holidays basically shit themselves.

There is the dread and tension leading into Thanksgiving.

Very few households are Ozzie and Harriet. (And very few people understand that quote. That may be a good thing.)

And then you survive Thanksgiving thru a combination of wine, verbal sparring and diligent use of Israeli Krav Maga for the nastier moments.

But its over, and the very next day, all hell breaks loose.

Black Friday.

The one day named after a color that is never called racist.

The holidays are touted by everyone who chooses to open their pie hole as that time of the year that we are supposed be better people.

So what better day to start the season than getting up in the middle of the night and going to stand in the cold, waiting for the doors of some place I would not shop at usually but the promise of door busters turns me into a miserable whore.

And then the doors open and the Hunger Games begin.

You would think that, with the advent of the internet and online shopping growing like it is, that Black Friday would be on the decline.

Take a moment and Google “Black Friday Walmart fight” and you would be stunned at the hundreds of videos that pop up. (The 500lbs woman from Queens fighting with the gang of skinny women was a classic.)

Nothing better to start off the season than putting the boot to people in the name of capitalism. (Don’t think I am smacking Capitalism, it is the only thing that will save us.)

Getting 40% off of something for the holidays is tempting but its not going to get me out in the cold for more than an hour, much less camping out for days.

True doorbusters are rare, but if fighting to the death with a 500lbs woman from Queens is the only way you can get a 60” LCD tv for your rent controlled apartment then maybe you shouldn’t have it.

You’re goddam right I said it.

If you are living on the government dole, living the good life is being kind of greedy.

(Wow, this took a nasty turn)

How about this?

If you do have a holiday that you value at some time during the year, try not to be a rotten shit in the period right before it.

Elf on the shelf made his bones on the guilt of people who act like assholes during the Xmas season.

Its a damn shame that we don’t have a mental Elf on the Shelf that could live in our heads.

Not to frighten small children, but to frighten the adult children.

A little mental baba yaga that threatens to rat us out to whoever is in control of your holiday.

That would have several effects.

Road rage would lessen, not go away entirely, but lessen. (You can’t get rid of human nature, just dampen it for short periods of time.)

Facebook wars would slow down. (Grow up)

Revenge sex would be oddly untouched. (Go figure)

The rolling of eyes and weary sighs would be on the decline. (Anyone under the age of 25)

And people could get back to the one thing that is really bringing us together this holiday season.

Bitching about Trump. (Whining fucking maggots.)

Merry Xmas

Bite me.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 2, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , ,

Because it’s Christmas.

Today is Christmas.

And the day starts early.

I was raised in a family where the family businesses were a transmission repair and a burger place.

So, you either became a mechanic or a short order cook.

And while I can do more under the hood of a car than most, I am a shit mechanic.

Short order cook it is.

And here is why this has anything to do with Christmas morning.

I cook breakfast.

For all my bitter faults and shitty bully instincts, I am the shit with a skillet.

Breakfast is one of those special meals of the day.

Everybody likes breakfast and those that don’t are suspect in my book.

Hitler, Dahmer and Manson never ate/eat breakfast, thats a fact.

And all three were either vegetarians or vegans, so draw your own conclusions.

Bacon, breakfast is all about bacon.

Its kind of the linchpin that holds it all together.

Breakfast without bacon is just eggs without a purpose.

Bacon is what you add to other foods to make them better.

I have roughly 4 pounds of bacon to cook.

It is a heady thing to have a shit load of bacon within arms reach.

Its kind of like having a real pig without having to feed and care for it, just keep it refrigerated.

There was a movement on Facebook by Paul McCartney awhile back that was called Glass Walls, or something like that.

The whole thing was hinged on the idea that the only reason people eat meat is that they do not realize that the pig had to be slaughtered in order to get the bacon.

It turns out, that not only did that not matter to people, but they may have started eating more bacon because of it.

For every Glass Walls Facebook page that you saw, 3-4 Bacon support pages popped up.

But, even with my love of Bacon, I have gone vegetarian, almost vegan.

Except for the meat, cannot give up charred animal flesh no matter what I do.

There is a joy in this world that comes to my heart in a purely vicious way when I announce that I am vegetarian to other vegetarians.

And then I proclaim my love of meat and dislike of vegetables.

You drop that line and then wait.

You can see it in their eyes, percolating.

The gears are clearly turning as they try to process the information, the concept, of the meat eating vegetarian.

But that delay is not their fault, their brain is underfed and weak.

In the end, they usually just shake their heads and wander off.

The lack of rage inducing testosterone in their system makes them non-confontational.  

So the carnivores just run rough-shod, rampaging across the land.

As God intended.

Merry Christmas.

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Naughty or nice?

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)

Eat it, bitches.

That has always been one of those Proverbs that I am sure is directed at me.

Because while some will end up eating its fruit, I seem to binge a lot on it.

There has always been a certain amount of heretical flow to the blog that I have enjoyed.

Since I am the generator, editor, publisher and the only critic that is consulted, what I say goes.

I like that.

Despite my rotten bully demeanor, I do employ a certain level of fairness and morality to the process.

Basically, I am a good person, better than most and good to the poor.

My kids love me as do my parents and everyone tolerates my shit, which I am appreciative of.

And I just upped my game.

On my road to moral superiority, I have made the decision to become a vegetarian.

Murder is murder, people, no getting around that.

I will not eat seafood or shellfish, they are living beings and deserve respect.

Chicken is delicious and I tend to eat a LOT.

Cannot turn down beef, no matter how hard I try.

And I LOVE pork!

In fact, I do not really care for most vegetables.

This may seem like odd statements coming from a dedicated vegetarian.

However, I have always thought that maybe chickens, cows and pigs were criminals in their past lives and this is some sort of karmic justice.

Who am I to fight the system?

Since I started being a better person, I find myself noticing the sad failings of those around me.

Like at the Toyota dealership.

Total discrimination.

I asked to test drive a Prius and they told me that being Hetero, I am not allowed.

So unfair, I am the victim in this.

But I am not bitter. (HA!)

Ok, that one was stupid, but a little funny.

You take what you can get around the holidays.

Speaking of the holidays, I was just talking to one of those delusional people that grew up in Southern California, raised in the sunshine, but now lives in one of those GODAWFUL frozen places that gets too friggin cold breathe and they spend all of their time trying to convince others that still live in paradise that the frozen place doesn’t suck.

Yes it does, it sucks a lot.

Moving on, I realize that I am running out of people to piss off.

And yet, no matter how many I piss off, you will all forgive me, no matter how mad you are.

Tis the season, and all that.

Without warning, your overly twisted panties will suddenly untwist, the planets will align and a sincere love of all things bitter will wash over you like sunshine on a cold day.

You will begin to see life thru bitter colored glasses and wonder what your whiny problem was in the first place.

Perhaps you will find yourself running down the street waving at passersby.

“Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!”

And almost unnoticed, a bell rings softly.

And a bitter blogger will get his wings.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Tis the season…

Its the holiday season and much is afoot.

People have been gearing up for commercial blockbuster of Xmas since before Thanksgiving.

However, many of the retailers are carefully avoiding using the word Xmas. They have been carefully told that it will offend people.

But, and I have asked more than 5 people who would be offended if they could be offended, and they could not give a shit about it.

A Muslim friend said he thought it was nice, that the sentiment was appreciated.

A Jewish friend lamented the fact that he doesn’t get Xmas gifts because he is Jewish, and he has a tree and everything.

A transgender friend seemed confused with the question and then showed me his(Her?) Facebook pic of his tree. Hours went into this gaudy nightmare. (I was called an anti-Xmas prick for that comment. I am a male by birth but I identify as an asshole.)

A homeless guy outside 7-11, (He identifies as smelly) ignored the question and told me a story about how he needs money to take a bus to his mom’s house. Seeing as how he appeared to be in his 60’s, I found his story improbable. I gave him a dollar anyway, its Xmas.

So, it turns out that the only people who are offended with the word Christmas are the same self-hating, uptight sphincters that would get their panties in a twist about anything and everything.

And since everything offends them, fuck em, lost cause trying to cater to those tards.

So I will make it my goal to truly offend people this year, just for the sake of the holiday spirits.

Malloy, my associate blogger, when I mentioned I had nothing for a blog this week, suggested that since people are stressed for the holidays, keep it light.

Here is why I not only can’t do that, but flat out won’t do that:

Because you didn’t come here to meditate.

This is not a blog about animal rescue or yoga.

This is a vulgar little blog that uses sarcasm like a heroin addict uses a needle to try and get you to shoot coffee out of your nose, once a week.

With that in mind, here are three filthy jokes:

  1. 2 flies land on a piece of shit. One fly farts loudly. The other fly says, “Do you mind? I’m trying to eat here!” (Ok, not sex filthy, but filthy.)
  2. A beautiful woman in a real mink coat is approached by an animal rights person. “Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?” The beautiful woman replies, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?” (Legitimately filthy, hope it pissed someone off.)
  3. What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (One of those ones that most ladies and gentlemen laugh at, but a few of both genders will go “Ewwww”.)

When you get down to it, the holidays are about family, faith, commercialism, drama, financial woes and drinking.

You can try to argue any parts of that you wish, but each and every one of those are valid, so you are wasting your time.

I will spend as much time this Xmas as I can with family, I will watch my mouth and be nicer than usual.

I will probably have a cocktail or two, at which point I will have no control over my mouth, which will create drama.

I will worry about money for gifts, worry about this years taxes, looming in the distance. I will buy items and help the economy. I will buy from small businesses and big alike. The really dumb meme online that says “When you buy from a small business, you are helping someone pay for their daughter’s dance lessons and not some CEO’s 3rd house. First of all, your daughter is not that talented and dance lessons are NOT going to help. Second of all, who the fuck do you think works for big companies? There is a crap load of delusional parents with clumsy daughters working for big business.

I will get to church at some point before Xmas day. If any atheists are offended by my mentioning church, bite me. There is a God and I can prove it. Go to BestBuy and check out a new Chromebook. That kind of perfection does not just happen, brother.

Xmas is that time of the year that we kind of admit that we are shitty people who try to be a little better for the holidays.

Its like an adult “Elf on the Shelf” that keeps us in line, take away that and we are in trouble.

So, here is the game plan:

Be a little nicer.

Don’t over spend.

Don’t be a cheap asshole.

Avoid the drama.

Do something nice you would not normally do for a total stranger, but tell no one.

Fact check anything you want to share on Facebook.

Do NOT get caught drinking at work, you need that job.

Have fun.

Be good.

 

Tis the season…

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,