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Season’s F-n Greetings

There is a meme going around facebook that says “Do this for fun after Xmas.”

It shows a Christmas tree, rolled in plastic and taped up to look like a body. It says to drag it to the dumpster midday, wearing a hoodie splashed with ketchup and sun glasses. They said to look around a lot and act like the tree weighs a lot.

Its worth a 2 second chuckle at most, but do yourself a favor and don’t do it.

If you have never had the FBI put the boot to your front door at 2am, its a holiday treat that is not to be missed.

Best to be in the middle of the living room on your knees, hands on your head with your fingers interlaced.  (They are still going to boot you prone and put a knee on your neck, but at least you will have a shorter distance to fall. There is a background soundtrack of shouted “STOP RESISTING!” that puts a definite spin on the event.)

If there is a silver lining to that little life event, its that while they are filming, hopefully you will not see it on an upcoming episode of Live PD, just in an intimate viewing during your trial.

Anyone who thinks this sounds fun has a masochistic streak that the Marquis De Sade would envy.

But thats just me.

There is an entire segment of society that seems to think tagging something as “It was a joke” or “I wasn’t serious” seems to put their get out of jail free card up in lights.

I spend a lot of my spare time writing a lot of offensive shit.

If it offends, trust me, that was my intention.

I have had people unfriend me, stop talking to me and on a couple of occasions, been threatened with an ass kicking.

I am ok with that.

I am not a badass, but I have had my ass kicked before, by people who know what they were doing.

Every now and then, I see an episode of Cops that the “perp” leads police on a car chase, ditches the car, foot race, and then, finally, gives up and seems shocked when there is a knee on his neck and a night stick halfway up his ass.

“Alright, I give up!”

Its so cute that they think that will help de-escalate the situation, its also more than a little sad.

This is a glimpse of the future and it is a sad one.

Sad because there is a whole dumb segment of the public that will say “Dude! He gave up. They don’t need to be rough with him!” (I am of the personal opinion that they need to take him out back and “Old Yeller” him, but thats just me.)

And that is where a middle of the night case of micro swamp-ass comes from, the realization that these ass clowns are next up to run the show.

God help us all.

I feel better having gotten that little rant off of my chest.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programs, memes and cat videos.

And for God’s sake, have some coffee and stop breaking the rules.

But mainly, have some coffee.

Mmmmm coffee.

 

By the way, New Years is just a few days away. Do yourself a favor and try not to F-up your year and get arrested.

Not that I care, but if you are being raped in prison, you are not reading this blog or having decent coffee.

And THAT is the real crime.

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Posted by on December 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Under the mistletoe. #METOO

The week before Christmas is rarely all sugar cookies.

Lotta shit goes down twisted.

There are some years that have been that bad that you are afraid to be caught under the mistletoe because you could get “Roofied”. (Happy “Cosby” Xmas!)

The darker side is, there is usually a death around Xmas that slows the holiday cheer just a tad.

Think I’m kidding?

I have had Grandparents, cousins and a favorite pet pass away around the holidays.

My rotten suspicious side begins to wonder if Santa is involved somehow?

I mean, he is making a list, checking it twice.

Serial killers are known for making lists.

Let’s look at other red flags surrounding “Old St Nick”.

He lives in an isolated area and keeps to himself 364 days a year.

Has an associate with a Euro first name who’s nose is always red? (Rudolph? A coke-head? Bear with me.)

He breaks into numerous people’s houses and eats their food. (Homeowners have yet to find him passed out on their kitchen floor in a puddle of his own piss, but its just a matter of time.)

I am shocked we have not seen Santa on an episode of COPS. (The plates on the sled come back stolen, Santa is “Borrowing” the sled from a friend who’s name he can’t remember and that baggie of powder in his pocket? “That’s not mine!”)

It would be worth the soul-crushing disappointment just to see the Jolly Fat Man being fed into the back of a patrol car in handcuffs.

 

Just had a frightening moment.

I was sexually harassed.

I thought I was going to have to do a #METOO post on Facebook.

I was sitting here, reading this piece on my laptop, when I felt it.

A hand brushed my testicles.

I ignored it, maybe someone bumped into me.

And then the hand began fondling me.

I froze.

I was humiliated, I was embarrassed.

And then I realized the hand was mine.

False alarm.

 

In true caffeine-soaked, grinch-like fashion, I didn’t finish the blog ahead of schedule and have it post early today.

I am belting it out and will immediately post.

Although, that was how the first 6 months of the blog was done, nothing ahead of time, and that was some incredible stuff. (I can wait hear if you want to use the archive on the right to read the first six month. Summer 2011 was a good time for wine and shitty blogs.)

Everyone up to date? Good!

I would love to have some sort of excuse for my laziness, and I got nothing.

So lets throw the holidays under the bus.

Looking like a pretty good Christmas, beginning to shake a minor cold and have back to back 3 day weekends for Xmas and New Years.

I even allowed the barrista to shake a little cinnamon and pumpkin spice into my coffee, just to be festive.

So I am drinking Christmas today.

As long as Christmas tastes like coffee.

Mmmmmm coffee.

God bless us, everyone.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Ho, Ho, Hoe

Sometimes the holiday season can come upon you like an STD, painful and embarrassing.

And you find yourself worrying about it on the toilet a lot.

Its a lot like stages of grief.

Denial. “It can’t be Christmas already?!?!” (Stop posting affirmation memes on FB for 2 fucking seconds and look at the calendar.)

Anger. “I hate how commercial it is!” (And yet YOU feed the beast, every year.)

Bargaining. “Alright, I can skip the gym 2 days a week and just budget my time tighter, that will work, right?” (It is one of those lines that you know are a lie when you say them. Its your baby, sure I’ll pay you back, I’ll pull out, that sort of thing.)

Depression. “Fuck it, I don’t care, this year is just fucked because of blah, blah, blah.” (There is a certain charm to being totally fucked, but that statement makes no sense to those who have never bottomed out.)

Acceptance. “I am going to get a good tree this year!” (Control the shit you can control.)

That being said, Christmas is coming, time to start fat shaming the goose just prior to his death.

Personally, you couldn’t make me eat goose with a gun to my head.

I once ate foie-gras (Goose liver, but God knows what they do to it.) in Paris during my peace mission to France. (My Great grandfather was a war hero and hated the French with a passion he usually reserved for the English (We’re Irish) or the Italians (Just because).

Foie-Gras was so foul I suddenly understood my great grandfather and the French. (2 bottles of wine later, I tried foie-gras again. Still nasty.)

I work with one of those annoying vegetarians that claims to be much healthier but is always out sick.

I am an unapologetic carnivore.

Meaning that it wouldn’t bother me to be in on the kill, but my work schedule prohibits it. (For the record, the last time I was sick was 2 years ago. Sinus infection that cleared up in a few days.)

My immune system is a lot like a 6’8 special forces soldier, its not afraid of anything, it just figures out how to kill it.

But go ahead and eat your fucking bean sprouts.

Can you feel Christmas in the air?
People are spending money and planning for the day.

It quit being a religious day for the masses awhile ago.

And I am ok with that.

Faith is Faith, you either have it or not, regardless of what day you get off of work.

But, when the day comes and you end up roasting in Hell, don’t come bitching to me.

I will be having a steak with the Almighty while you and the vegetarians get yours.

I am not wishing hell on you, just to be clear.

Vegetarians, yes., fuck those guys.

Oh, and coffee, there will be coffee.

I am fairly certain the Almighty is a dark roast guy.

Happy holidays.

Mmmmmm coffee.

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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One for the ladies…

There is a holiday show on right now that has a penniless single mom who gave some woman CPR on the way to work, saves a life, is fired by the shitty Grinch she works for for being late and after a LOT of HIGHLY improbable “Notebook” type shit, she finds true love and the woman she save sends her a Christmas card with a few grand in it.

And I found myself changing my ways.

My caffeine soaked, Grinch-like heart has grown three sizes and I am about to toboggan my hairy ass down the mountain to Whoville.

Because that’s where the money is.

The next well monied old biddy that goes tits up in front of me has my full attention.

I will suck start that old broad back to life.

Right after I run her credit.

She’s turning blue, I will get eye contact for a sec.

“WHAT’S THE LAST 4 OF YOUR SOCIAL? THE LAST 4?!?!”

She has over a 750 and I’m jingling her chimes for the holidays.

I will be in the will before the paramedics get there. (I am a registered minister. I can perform it all myself. I am also a notary.)

Have I upset anyone?

Awwww, and don’t I just feel terrible about that?

It is officially that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

That time of year when anyone connected with retail laments their life choices and plots their suicide.

If you are a parent, you might be lamenting your life choices and plotting your suicide.

While the rest of us give thought to what to get our kids for Xmas. (I used Xmas on purpose. Lets leave Christ out of this, its more about the shopping. He was never a big shopper anyway.)

Stock market is booming, people are working and life is good, right?

Depends on who you talk to.

Half the government is denying they wiggled their dick at anyone and the other half is busy apologizing for it.

Thank god they are not outing regular Joe’s like me.

Have I wiggled my dick at the opposite sex on occasion?

You’re goddam right I have!

But, while I have never been prosecuted or forced to step down from a job, I might hesitate to run for office.

What is so sad is, the first accusation comes out and these entertainment bigwigs/politicians immediately claim it never happened, they don’t remember it and never met the accuser.

And then more accusations come in, like there is a line forming in the hallway.

And then their career goes the way of Bill Cosby.

Now, I would like to take a swing at Bill Cosby and his 54 rapes, but it suddenly occurs to me that I have a daughter.

So fuck that guy and his brother Russell.

Its almost upsetting enough to ruin my coffee.

I said almost, lets not get crazy.

Mmmmm coffee.

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Sitting on Santa’s lap.

Christmas is coming, the geese is getting fat.

Holiday shit has gone South with the geese.

It certainly does not help that geese, prepared right, is kind of delicious.

Same goes for Dolphin. (I know, bad human. It is what it is and half of you are outraged.)

However, since its that time of the year that everybody is a little more prone to forgiveness, I have a shot at an existential kitchen pass on this one.

Maybe not.

Moving on.

There is a serious magic that goes on during this time of year.

I will give you a hint, it is not that holiday spirit, milk of human kindness or any of that shit.

Its called baking.

Holiday baking is a vanishing art that is a lot like magic, everyone claims they can do it, very few can and the rest is inedible crap.

The much sainted ex could bake like a fiend.

I should have argued for bakery visitation in the divorce, but I was drinking a lot.

Moving on.

There are only a few more shopping days till Christmas.

So get off your ass.

And get online to Amazon.

I don’t even leave the house anymore.

Amazon has made shopping too easy and God knows how lazy I can get.

Doesn’t matter what it is, you can find it at Amazon.

When your kids are little, the whole year revolves around Christmas.

You bust your ass to make it happen.

And then, they grow up.

Priorities shift and you find yourself getting more into the family side of it.

Like you finally caught your breath.

My big thing now is that I like to cook breakfast for the family.

Bacon, eggs, toast, hashbrowns and waffles.

A solid vegetarian offering.

There are a lot of folks who get into the holidays in a big way.

And some that don’t.

Very few have no opinion.

Its a lot like pissing in the shower.

You either do or you don’t.

And nobody is in between. (Except for a high school party where I stood outside the bathtub and peed into it. 3 people were already peeing in the toilet and there was no room.)

For those that don’t, go ahead and keep pissing and moaning about how annoying it all is.

The holidays are a lot like a steamroller, there is no stopping it, and if you stand in the way, it will just roll right over you.

The one holiday tradition that still bothers me is the Elf on the shelf.

Its a newer tradition and the reason it bothers me is that it is unnecessary.

Santa knows if you have been naughty or nice, the elf supposedly reports to Santa like a good behavior narc.

I am secretly holding out hope that, like all narcs, Elf on the shelf has a life-threatening boot stomping coming to him.

But alas, the best I can hope for is the occasional out of control 5 year old tearing him apart when mom is not looking. (5 year olds are a lot like socially acceptable velociraptors, blood-thirsty and terrible.)

But, once your shopping is over, you can concentrate on the important stuff.

Secret drinking and hating your relatives.

That sounds like a one off funny line.

More truth there the more you look, so don’t look too closely.

The holidays are like a bar pick up.

Its the setting and the alcohol that makes it attractive, just don’t look too closely.

If you are lucky, the holidays will not boil your blood pressure too much, and the gifts will not force you into bankruptcy.

And that is the true gift of the holidays.

Survival.

Merry Christmas.

 

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Because Christmas, asshole.

There is a point during the year that the holidays basically shit themselves.

There is the dread and tension leading into Thanksgiving.

Very few households are Ozzie and Harriet. (And very few people understand that quote. That may be a good thing.)

And then you survive Thanksgiving thru a combination of wine, verbal sparring and diligent use of Israeli Krav Maga for the nastier moments.

But its over, and the very next day, all hell breaks loose.

Black Friday.

The one day named after a color that is never called racist.

The holidays are touted by everyone who chooses to open their pie hole as that time of the year that we are supposed be better people.

So what better day to start the season than getting up in the middle of the night and going to stand in the cold, waiting for the doors of some place I would not shop at usually but the promise of door busters turns me into a miserable whore.

And then the doors open and the Hunger Games begin.

You would think that, with the advent of the internet and online shopping growing like it is, that Black Friday would be on the decline.

Take a moment and Google “Black Friday Walmart fight” and you would be stunned at the hundreds of videos that pop up. (The 500lbs woman from Queens fighting with the gang of skinny women was a classic.)

Nothing better to start off the season than putting the boot to people in the name of capitalism. (Don’t think I am smacking Capitalism, it is the only thing that will save us.)

Getting 40% off of something for the holidays is tempting but its not going to get me out in the cold for more than an hour, much less camping out for days.

True doorbusters are rare, but if fighting to the death with a 500lbs woman from Queens is the only way you can get a 60” LCD tv for your rent controlled apartment then maybe you shouldn’t have it.

You’re goddam right I said it.

If you are living on the government dole, living the good life is being kind of greedy.

(Wow, this took a nasty turn)

How about this?

If you do have a holiday that you value at some time during the year, try not to be a rotten shit in the period right before it.

Elf on the shelf made his bones on the guilt of people who act like assholes during the Xmas season.

Its a damn shame that we don’t have a mental Elf on the Shelf that could live in our heads.

Not to frighten small children, but to frighten the adult children.

A little mental baba yaga that threatens to rat us out to whoever is in control of your holiday.

That would have several effects.

Road rage would lessen, not go away entirely, but lessen. (You can’t get rid of human nature, just dampen it for short periods of time.)

Facebook wars would slow down. (Grow up)

Revenge sex would be oddly untouched. (Go figure)

The rolling of eyes and weary sighs would be on the decline. (Anyone under the age of 25)

And people could get back to the one thing that is really bringing us together this holiday season.

Bitching about Trump. (Whining fucking maggots.)

Merry Xmas

Bite me.

 
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Posted by on December 2, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Because it’s Christmas.

Today is Christmas.

And the day starts early.

I was raised in a family where the family businesses were a transmission repair and a burger place.

So, you either became a mechanic or a short order cook.

And while I can do more under the hood of a car than most, I am a shit mechanic.

Short order cook it is.

And here is why this has anything to do with Christmas morning.

I cook breakfast.

For all my bitter faults and shitty bully instincts, I am the shit with a skillet.

Breakfast is one of those special meals of the day.

Everybody likes breakfast and those that don’t are suspect in my book.

Hitler, Dahmer and Manson never ate/eat breakfast, thats a fact.

And all three were either vegetarians or vegans, so draw your own conclusions.

Bacon, breakfast is all about bacon.

Its kind of the linchpin that holds it all together.

Breakfast without bacon is just eggs without a purpose.

Bacon is what you add to other foods to make them better.

I have roughly 4 pounds of bacon to cook.

It is a heady thing to have a shit load of bacon within arms reach.

Its kind of like having a real pig without having to feed and care for it, just keep it refrigerated.

There was a movement on Facebook by Paul McCartney awhile back that was called Glass Walls, or something like that.

The whole thing was hinged on the idea that the only reason people eat meat is that they do not realize that the pig had to be slaughtered in order to get the bacon.

It turns out, that not only did that not matter to people, but they may have started eating more bacon because of it.

For every Glass Walls Facebook page that you saw, 3-4 Bacon support pages popped up.

But, even with my love of Bacon, I have gone vegetarian, almost vegan.

Except for the meat, cannot give up charred animal flesh no matter what I do.

There is a joy in this world that comes to my heart in a purely vicious way when I announce that I am vegetarian to other vegetarians.

And then I proclaim my love of meat and dislike of vegetables.

You drop that line and then wait.

You can see it in their eyes, percolating.

The gears are clearly turning as they try to process the information, the concept, of the meat eating vegetarian.

But that delay is not their fault, their brain is underfed and weak.

In the end, they usually just shake their heads and wander off.

The lack of rage inducing testosterone in their system makes them non-confontational.  

So the carnivores just run rough-shod, rampaging across the land.

As God intended.

Merry Christmas.

 

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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