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The love hate relationship

There is an arrogant charm to being a hypocritical shit.

There isn’t really a depth to my shallowness at this point.

Maybe, when I first started writing this blog, there was.

I might have felt an embarrassed flush if someone brought up a particularly heinous remark.

But now? I have no shame and pretty much take delight in the things that make most people cringe.

I will make up fact and polls and scientific findings, often for no reason other than to amuse myself.

You can call me out on it, but that is only going to make it worse.

I will laugh in your face and take the next hour to explain why you are the idiot.

Its like a moral anarchy that knows no boundary.

Thought in my head? (No matter how vile) Its on the page.

And it has caused a noticeable distance between some acquaintances and me.

And I didn’t say “friends” because I didn’t mean “Friends”.

Acquaintances fits.

And there is a part of me that, during those rare moments that I reflect with the innocence of a former alter boy, that I feel bad about it.

But then I move on and think of something evil about that person to justify the situation in a way that makes me the good guy.

As for friends, my true set of friends are a twisted bunch of fuckers.

Not only do they get it, there are a couple that feel the worst of the blog is much too tame.

Were they like that originally and we fell in together?

Or were we kids with diverse paths that fell in together due to geography and slowly warped each other?

Either way, here we are.

Moving on.

I find myself reading the hate mail again.

Like a heroin addict, I stayed clean for a few months, even shut down the email feature for the blog.

And they found me thru facebook.

They never missed a whiny beat.

And the email that set me down this path of reflection?

It was from one of the dedicated critics that was among the first to complain.

Tiny Mouse. You rotten bitch.

Tiny Mouse has about 60 cats and a retarded child and lives in New Zealand.

Why New Zealand? Probably to escape US Justice.

Animal rape is illegal in the US, always has been.

At least, that is my theory.

Tiny Mouse’s first email was over my use of the word “Retard”.

She maintains that it harms a child that cannot read in New Zealand if a blog from the US uses that word.

I have come to understand that she is retarded and her kid is most likely more normal by societal standards.

She also claims that a phrase that ignored all content around it was advocating violence towards cats.

She loves cats, I suspect in an unnatural way.

My response to her emails usually begin with a reply from me that is simply a photo of cat-themed road kill.

Its childish, and possibly a little beyond twisted, but it did accomplish my goal.

She lost her fucking mind.

She actually contacted my webhost and asked that the blog site be shut down.

I know this because tech support emailed me to let me know that they would not be honoring her request.

Thanks guys.

Fast forward to today.

Tiny Mouse sent me an email that talked about how she rarely reads the blog, but she did today. (She has written me almost 60 emails. I am ALL she reads.)

And she is going to stop reading me forever.

Boo fucking who.

I read that line in her email and got a chubby.

I think I even came a little bit.

I truly hope she stands by her principals on this one.

It will not happen, because she has sworn off the blog a few dozen times.

This blog is her meth, without the danger of losing her teeth.

Trust me, she will be back, probably because of this post.

I have mentioned the keywords.

“Retard”, “Cat rape”, “Roadkill”.

But I can still hope.

She needs me more than I need her.

She just doesn’t see that yet.

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Hold the curtain.

 

There is a certain element of this blog that reflects a darker side of my mind, psyche, soul, whatever you want to call it.

Think of it as a prolonged experiment in having an area of your life where there are no social/societal filters to what you say.

It can be as liberating as it can be vile.

And it has cost me, to a certain extent.

There is a polarizing quality to the blog that people either love it, or despise it, with few if any in the middle ground.

The despising part usually manifests itself in dislike and an almost childlike sullenness when confronted.

The usual method is to try and pretend to be on some sort of moral high ground, while non-specifically critiquing it.

The rare manifestation of disowning has happened several times.

Outright shunning.

Weird when you run into that in this day and age.

After researching the personalities involved in this angered disowning of me and the blog, I have come to see that there was damage, baggage of sorts that these fragile peeps had encountered that they have rarely been reminded of in their safe PC world, but that the lack of restriction of the blog grabbed their taboos and force fed it to them.

My bad.
I certainly don’t mind hurting feelings, hell at times, that is my only goal, but intention is everything.

Like real estate is all about location, location, location, this type of emotional manipulation is all about intention, intention, intention.

Same reason you don’t box someone with a mental disability, might be entertaining until you realize that it is all one sided.

And there is no joy there.

But, to get someone who has coasted thru life with a mediocre intellect, convinced of their superiority only because no one ever called them on it, and so twist them up with the words that they are run thru a gamut of emotions whether they are ready for it or not, I am running a biker train literary style on this eager initiate.

And that line alone is the entire reason I write this.

I seriously considered ending this experiment recently, just felt like I was done with it.

Hell, this post was due 4.5 hours ago.

But as I sit here, putting this down, looking at the people in this Starbucks that I use in the blog like a pimp, I am refreshed, reborn, and back on the job.

So, if any of this offended you because of some dark baggage in your past, my bad, not my intention.

But, if this made you laugh, cry, anger or confused you for the simple reason that you never had it thrown at you like shit off the ground?

Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch.

Its good to be back.

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Tis the season…

Its the holiday season and much is afoot.

People have been gearing up for commercial blockbuster of Xmas since before Thanksgiving.

However, many of the retailers are carefully avoiding using the word Xmas. They have been carefully told that it will offend people.

But, and I have asked more than 5 people who would be offended if they could be offended, and they could not give a shit about it.

A Muslim friend said he thought it was nice, that the sentiment was appreciated.

A Jewish friend lamented the fact that he doesn’t get Xmas gifts because he is Jewish, and he has a tree and everything.

A transgender friend seemed confused with the question and then showed me his(Her?) Facebook pic of his tree. Hours went into this gaudy nightmare. (I was called an anti-Xmas prick for that comment. I am a male by birth but I identify as an asshole.)

A homeless guy outside 7-11, (He identifies as smelly) ignored the question and told me a story about how he needs money to take a bus to his mom’s house. Seeing as how he appeared to be in his 60’s, I found his story improbable. I gave him a dollar anyway, its Xmas.

So, it turns out that the only people who are offended with the word Christmas are the same self-hating, uptight sphincters that would get their panties in a twist about anything and everything.

And since everything offends them, fuck em, lost cause trying to cater to those tards.

So I will make it my goal to truly offend people this year, just for the sake of the holiday spirits.

Malloy, my associate blogger, when I mentioned I had nothing for a blog this week, suggested that since people are stressed for the holidays, keep it light.

Here is why I not only can’t do that, but flat out won’t do that:

Because you didn’t come here to meditate.

This is not a blog about animal rescue or yoga.

This is a vulgar little blog that uses sarcasm like a heroin addict uses a needle to try and get you to shoot coffee out of your nose, once a week.

With that in mind, here are three filthy jokes:

  1. 2 flies land on a piece of shit. One fly farts loudly. The other fly says, “Do you mind? I’m trying to eat here!” (Ok, not sex filthy, but filthy.)
  2. A beautiful woman in a real mink coat is approached by an animal rights person. “Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?” The beautiful woman replies, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?” (Legitimately filthy, hope it pissed someone off.)
  3. What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (One of those ones that most ladies and gentlemen laugh at, but a few of both genders will go “Ewwww”.)

When you get down to it, the holidays are about family, faith, commercialism, drama, financial woes and drinking.

You can try to argue any parts of that you wish, but each and every one of those are valid, so you are wasting your time.

I will spend as much time this Xmas as I can with family, I will watch my mouth and be nicer than usual.

I will probably have a cocktail or two, at which point I will have no control over my mouth, which will create drama.

I will worry about money for gifts, worry about this years taxes, looming in the distance. I will buy items and help the economy. I will buy from small businesses and big alike. The really dumb meme online that says “When you buy from a small business, you are helping someone pay for their daughter’s dance lessons and not some CEO’s 3rd house. First of all, your daughter is not that talented and dance lessons are NOT going to help. Second of all, who the fuck do you think works for big companies? There is a crap load of delusional parents with clumsy daughters working for big business.

I will get to church at some point before Xmas day. If any atheists are offended by my mentioning church, bite me. There is a God and I can prove it. Go to BestBuy and check out a new Chromebook. That kind of perfection does not just happen, brother.

Xmas is that time of the year that we kind of admit that we are shitty people who try to be a little better for the holidays.

Its like an adult “Elf on the Shelf” that keeps us in line, take away that and we are in trouble.

So, here is the game plan:

Be a little nicer.

Don’t over spend.

Don’t be a cheap asshole.

Avoid the drama.

Do something nice you would not normally do for a total stranger, but tell no one.

Fact check anything you want to share on Facebook.

Do NOT get caught drinking at work, you need that job.

Have fun.

Be good.

 

Tis the season…

 

 
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Posted by on December 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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600 is a lot of anything.

“Into the valley of death, wrote the 600”

Lord Tennyson would shit himself in his grave if he read that, he was never a fan of paraphrasing.

So why the arguably dumb paraphrase?

Because the number is 600.

Since starting this vulgar little blog over 4 and a half years ago, with this post, I have now written 600 posts.

That is a LOT of public mental masturbation in print.

I am not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.

Its an accomplishment, but so was 2 girls – 1 cup and that was nothing to be proud of either. (Side note. Despite all of my references to that film over the years, I have never actually seen it, till recently. I am damaged because of it, no bullshit. You go to hell for things like that, even if you are atheist.)

I mentioned this little milestone to someone who has never read the blog before, and they asked an interesting question.

What the hell have you written about for 600 times?

Good question, so I did some research, basically, I read the blog, something from every month, from the beginning till now.

God, I am a fucking genius.

Once my erection subsided, I began to see a few recurring things.

  1. People are horrible to each other and their environment. Caligula had a better command of common courtesy than most of modern man.
  2. The only thing people mistreat more than each other and their environment is themselves. There are people that treat themselves like a split personality that is half crack hoe/half angry pimp. And someone has a beating coming.
  3. My views of the world vary wildly from an almost a sociopathic emotional conscious to a Christ-like benevolence. (Take a moment for that one to sink in. I’ll wait. I know, its a disturbing sentence.)
  4. I have some sort of thing about the homeless. (It has been argued that I both care deeply about them, yet view them as pets. Both are true. However, I view most people as pets and toys to be messed with.)

In a nutshell, thats it. Its an emotionally damaged nutshell, but you take what you can get these days.

As far as blogs go, this is closer to the movie Max Headroom than anything else. Random thoughts and odd sound bites that exist for no reason other than to upset the dumb and stimulate the few intellects that seem to get it. And TRUST me, you fuckers are few and far between.

The one thing missing from the “Recurring things” list is caffeine,

Ah, caffeine, what can I say?

Its the founder of the feast, as it were.

Without it, I am grumpy, mean and don’t like to write.

With it, I am grumpy, mean, and like to write.

As far as addictions go, its a mellow one.

Like a pimp that doesn’t leave visible bruises, the concern is appreciated.

Coffee is the most polite form of caffeine addiction, to be seen at church socials and fine restaurants.

Red bull is like shooting up in a dirty alley.

Both accomplish the same thing, but at least coffee allows you to keep lying about it not being an addiction.

But at its worst, you are just risking insomnia and being irritable.

You are never in danger of having to perform oral sex on your dealer just to get your fix.

And that is a pretty big difference.

So, just to bring things to a close, I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who has ever read the blog, whether you liked it or hated it.

Without you, this is just a sad rambling to the universe.

Like a literary tree falling in the woods with no one to hear it.

So, in a rare show of gratitude…

Thank you all.

Sincerely, bite me.

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Turning the other cheek has never been my thing.

50 shades of blog.

That is my life right now.

For those that didn’t put down their Highlights magazine or the latest copy of 17 magazine in order to read the book or couldn’t get an adult to buy you a ticket for the movie, 50 Shades of Grey is housewife porn about S & M.

I always found the concept of S & M a little silly, and then I realized something.

Turns out, I am totally into it.

I write a weekly blog, and I really work on the rude, like more than most people would think.

Over 4 years, close to 600 posts.

Thats a lot of rude.

But the hate mail has been pretty solid for the last two years.

And it suddenly occurred to me that I am setting myself up for a weekly flogging, all the while whining like some sort of prison bitch about my lot in life.

Here is the issue.

Its all email.

I was perplexed as to why people would send a private message to chastise me when they could comment at the bottom of the post and do it publicly.

And then it hit me.

Because its public.

The whining fucking maggots that piss and moan every week prefer to hide in the shadows as they take their shots.

Confrontation in a public forum might lead to the one thing they fear most.

Someone might chastise them.

And they can’t take that.

So, I have made a little change in the set up.

This will be the last week an email option will be available on this site.

Got something to say? Do it in public or shut up and take it.

So, this is your last chance to take a private swing.

Next week? We will throw down in public.

I have said it before, but you came into my yard.

Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch.

I am not getting misty eyed about it, but there are a few of my dedicated critics that I will miss.

I only know them by their email names.

Tiny Mouse, from New Zealand, sent me the first hate email I ever received.

Calls me a belligerent cis-male every now and then.

Has never understood that I do not view that as an insult.  (A cis-male is someone who insists on being viewed as the gender they were born to. The connotation being that you are doing it just to be an ass.

I view my gender as the default setting. I am a guy. So is Bruce Jenner. I will call him Caitlin, but I will not call him a woman until he has his junk removed.)

Another favorite critic is Newhall who is lurking somewhere in Southern California.

Newhall is a unicorn with a winning lottery ticket in his mouth.

Male, and has about a dozen cats. (I have replied to his most heated hate emails with accusations of cat-rape and that just throws him into a frenzy.)

Usually your crazy cat person is a woman.

And while Newhall has tried so hard to make me see my misogynistic racism, its just not a concept I can understand. No doubt a side effort of my cis-maleness.

And he has found it in places that I had no idea that misogyny could exist in.

I have written tens of thousands of words about a married couple that I named the “Evil Couple”.

My bewildered confusion at the antics of those two are some of my favorites.

It turns out that my comments about them, equally spaced amounts of shit heaped on both, are misogynistic.

How? I am still in the dark on that one.

I would like to say that I will miss them, but I won’t.

Much like wiping shit off of my shoe, I will tell myself that its ok, but I will always feel a little dirty, in the back of my head.

So, with all that being said, I invite you pussies to step out of the shadows and into the Fight Club.

And if its your first time at my Fight Club?

You fight.

Bring it.

 

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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