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Talking about ass here…

“Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”

Someone threw that line at me recently.

As my twisted mind spent the next 20 minutes finishing that line.

Here are the top 3 second halfs to that phrase:

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one-

  1. And unless its your own, it stinks. (Think I’m wrong? Next time you are at the bank, bend over and stick your nose in the ass crack of the lady ahead of you. Once the effects of being maced and/or tased fade, see if you can remember if it stank or not. And if she was hot, the test is now tainted. Guys will accept anything for hot chicks.)
  2. And mine is better than most. (I have to say, this is the God’s honest truth. My ass is awesome. I’m not saying you could bounce a quarter off of it like when I was a pre-teen alter boy, but if I shaved it, man or woman you could not keep your hands to yourself.)
  3. And keep your finger out of mine. (I think that line speaks for itself.)

There comes a point when you need to recognize that your opinion is just that, an opinion.

And then…..

Let it the fuck GO.

I have had 3 instances that simply pointing out the hypocrisy or the irony about some screed that someone posted online led to upset.

And the level of butthurt that went on was shocking.

2 of them were about how to live your life.

Vague, tough love credos tend to be the type of thing that goes over big in the off the rack society generated by social media.

The one thing that they all seem to have in common is that they badger you about how big a waste of time social media is, while using social media links like the biggest attention whores on the internet.

The 3rd one had such a solid base of hypocrisy, it was like the literary version of slight of hand.

It started off talking about the ultimate acceptance of all things and all people and posited that everyone is right.

Religion, politics, social conventions, and anything else you can think of.

And then, the next 3 quarters of the screed was a promotion of their personal religious/political belief is the only thing that makes sense to the point of other beliefs being ridiculous.

The biggest mistake you can make when dealing with the echo chamber mentality of modern thought, is to voice either a contrary opinion or not praising it immediately.

And I want to feel bad, but there has to be a line where people stop being coddled.

The base understanding needs to be made that not everything one person or group believes is right.

Sometimes, and lets all take this step together, sometimes there are multiple correct things.

And this is where coffee comes in.

Because when someone makes a comment that you either disagree with or you think is simply half tarded, you can just pick up your cup and take a long sip, then sigh, and say the following:

“Eh, what are you gonna do?”

At first glance, I realize how that line looked to those who have never done it.

But try it, honestly, you will be shocked.

Its the move that they will see as whatever they want it to be.

And it saves the butthurt.

Plus you get to drink your coffee.

Life would be easier if all communication was centered around coffee.

Mmmm coffee….

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Posted by on June 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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And leave your ass alone

Put a sugar cube up your ass.

Feeling a little blah? (Have you tried coffee?)

No pep in your step?  (Have you tried coffee?)

Need a little pick me up? (Have you tried coffee?)

Then just drop trow, bend over and shove a cube of refined sugar up your bunghole.  (Have you tried coffee?)

I know what you’re saying, “Hey Bitter, that won’t work.”

I know that.  (Have you tried coffee?)

You know that.

Everyone you meet throughout the course of your day knows that.

Everyone except the hipster dumbfuck at the next table at Starbucks.

He offered up that ironically sweet little opinion into his phone just a minute ago.

I thought maybe I had misheard him.

But the guy on the phone must have thought the same thing, because Rectal Sugar Daddy said it again and went into detail.

I wish he hadn’t.

There are some things, concepts mostly, that you cannot unthink once you hear them.

Mostly evil stuff.

Socialism, Scat parties, Amway, scary stuff that is better left untouched, like shit on the sidewalk, give it a wide berth and just go around it.

The wheel, fire and masturbation have already been invented, so no need to keep working on that.

As a niche of humanity, hipsters have a basic dissatisfaction with life that really is pathetic to behold.

There is a whiny obsession with having to have something uniformly unique about themselves.

Like a puzzle with pieces that are all the same shape, and one look tells you what the boring picture is.

But, seriously, have you tried coffee?

5 hour shots, energy drinks, energy supplements are desperate attempts to be hip, be new, do something different.

Just like everyone else.

But, have you tried coffee?

Coffee is tried, true and reliable.

Still relatively cheap, available everywhere, and you will never have you pour it up your ass.

Although, I have heard that a coffee enema is amazing.

Never gonna happen, I can only imagine what mainlining my drug of choice with a rectal delivery system would do to my central nervous system.

Plus, there comes a point that you have to ask, “Am I just doing this to have an excuse to put something up your own ass?”

I don’t judge.

Ok, I do, but I will usually keep it to myself or at least not call you on it publicly.

It almost makes you want to ask Rectal Sugar Daddy what else is on his anal agenda.

Maybe sugar cube is his little nickname for a two foot long latex monstrosity made in the Netherlands with an face painted on it with the words “Sugar Cube” written in Arabic.

Just saying.

But have you tried coffee?

Coffee is trouble free, coffee is uncomplicated, coffee is the beverage of the rightious.

Coffee just is.

Have you tried coffee?

I have, and it was like a liquid epiphany, a clarity of thought mixed with a slightly raised pulse and cream n sugar.

And the rest is history.

So, if nothing else I have said has sunk in, or grabbed hold of you, I will leave you with this final thought.

Have you tried coffee?

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Time to get up in the morning.

Change is a part of life.

It really is the only thing that is constant.

And the irony of that statement bites.

I am not a morning person by choice or nature.

There is something about getting up before your mind wants to that makes it difficult to wipe properly, which can lead the lazy to developing unintended swamp ass.

However, I am a morning person by profession, it seems. (And yes, I wipe.)

Getting up at 5am is never easy.

Its a lot like the idea of shaving your tongue.

You would never do it, it sounds ridiculously painful and dangerous.

There are a few mornings that you feel like it might be necessary.

There is a fine line between being functional and being awake.

I can usually straddle the fine line between.

But it ain’t easy.

A stop for morning coffee is always welcome, but the early morning rush at Starbucks is an interesting one.

There is a line of people waiting to get into Starbucks when they open.

Nobody talks as they wait for the door to unlock, they just scuff their shoes on the ground and stare into their phones.

Its a little eerie.

The only speaking I witnessed was a woman having a short, angry conversation on her phone.

I clearly heard the words “Screw you” before she hung up.

As the door opens, everyone shuffles in lined up in some sort of unspoken, pre-agreed upon order.

The cashier, normally talkative, is oddly quiet.

Kind of like she knows that is not part of the job at this hour.

Nobody tips, that part I noticed as well.

And then, I figured it out.

Civility and all of the other social niceties that we have learned throughout our lives are still asleep.

Give it an hour and take a look at the same scenario.

You will hear pleasantries and civil dialogue.

People will look each other in the eye, rather than down at their feet.

But not now, its too goddam early.

I notice that cell phone usage is at a minimum.

Even that empty headed time eater needs a few more brain cells to operate.

The cell phone companies would cancel mornings if they could, it seems counter productive to maximum cell usage.

The only people up right now are naturally occurring morning people, environmentally induced morning people and parents of small children.

That last one being noisier than the rest.

Me? I am the second, my kids are grown, thankfully, otherwise, work or not, I would be up, missing one of the few benefits of rising early.

There is a certain vile beauty to the world at this hour.

Its quiet and serene and seems a little cleaner than during the rest of the day.

Not that anyone gives a shit, they’re still asleep.

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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The finger of doom.

Today is a day for bitching and complaining.

First on my list is parking.

My new morning Starbucks is a busy one, at least double the amount of morning traffic from the one in downtown Manhattan.

Traffic sucks on a regular basis even when all available spots are open.

And now, today only, the building management decided that it would be a brilliant move to put out some red cones and yellow caution tape and restrict half of the parking spots.

If there is some sort of serious work to be done and it is absolutely necessary to shitcan half of the customers to the coffee and none-coffee businesses here, so be it. Have the work teams standing by and get it done ASAP.

Here is the problem.

There is no workers to be seen. Not even an ominous work van.

Nothing.

And the morning java crowd is not taking it well.

As far as addictions go, caffeine is a fairly mild one that doesn’t make evil shit happen if you are denied.

Nobody gets shot if you can’t score and no one has ever performed oral sex in the alley to get a mocachino in the wee hours.

However, caffeine has an odd element of entitlement that other drugs lack.

Anarchy reigns in the parking lot at the moment.

The is a black BMW that is stopped in the middle of the lot, door open, and a guy in a black suit is rapping on someones trunk.

He is not happy.

“HELLO? UH, YOU SNAKED MY SPOT! HELLO!”

I watched this one evolve and I believe I know what his issue is.

Black BMW entered from the west.

Open spot about 10 spots up. He hits his turn signal, but for reasons unknown, creeps forward really slowly.

The second he hit his blinker, a red VW Jetta enters the lot, coming in hot, at least 20 MPH in a small lot.

Sees the open spot, BMW is still 8 spaces away from the open space, and the Jetta makes an audible tire squeal as its slides into the spot.

Mission accomplished.

BMW does not view this as done.

Adding to the fun mix is the Jetta driver, who appears to be a very mild mannered business woman, not angry, not yelling, appears to be oblivious to the BMW driver’s issue.

You know what this little scene is missing to make it truly fun?

The police.

Oh wait, here they are.

And, it appears, that the BMW driver has been looking for someone to yell at other than the Jetta driver.

Why? No clue. But the police are the wrong ones to yell at.

As anyone who has spent a little hood time in the company of the police can tell you, they do NOT enjoy being bitched at.

Out comes the finger.

When the BMW driver begins to stab the finger in the general direction of the officer, things only get better for those of us who take some sort of sick delight in the tense shitty moments of others.

The BMW driver is now in trouble. The Jetta driver has asked and been given permission to go get her coffee.

I decided that coffee was a fine idea myself and went inside.

When I came out, 15 minutes later, the BMW driver was still making friends.

Let that be 3 lessons to us all.

1. Let the spot go. You don’t own it and another one will be available soon.

2. Its not personal. Don’t get out of your car, don’t make a scene. It still will not get you the spot.

3. Leave your finger out of it. The police have little tolerance for you and HAVE NO TOLERANCE for your finger in their chest. Trust me on this one.

Words for the next generation.

Leave your finger out of it.

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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