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Monthly Archives: January 2020

What happens in Vegas may haunt you forever.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

I personally hate that phrase, this despite the fact that there appears to be some truth to it. 

But let me posit the idea that perhaps your behavior should be kept under control so it doesn’t take an entire city, a modern day Sodom and Gamora to handle your shit. (Gamora or Gomorrah? One is the fabled vile city and the other is the hot green chick from Guardians of the Galaxy)

Although, you do have to admit that access to an entire city where you can cut loose and show your ass a bit definitely sounds like a stress reliever. 

Like a city version of a service dog that helps you “Keep calm”. (How about you just learn to deal with emotions instead of being hand held like half a tard all your adult life?)

Either way, I am in Vegas for the weekend. 

I like Vegas because of its honesty in declaring that it exists to take your money. (And if you think you don’t live in a city that is lying thru its teeth about how badly it wants your money, I have a land deal I would like you to invest in, dumbass.)

But I also love Vegas for the time honored activity of people watching.

For those of us who like to watch others, Vegas is a Mecca of sorts.

There are 5 types of people to see in Vegas. 

  1. The first is the Total Tourist. They take pictures of everything, see as many shows as they can and can tell you who is headlining at every casino. They are your safest of the Vegas people to be around.
  2. The second is the Party Tourist. At a minimum, they are drunk all the time. At their worst, they are on a vile cocktail of alcohol, chemicals and natural supplements that makes them a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode. 
  3. Number three is the sly gambler. This guy always has a scheme to take the casino for big dollars. Its like watching an amateur going against a pro. The casinos have been rocking this game for half a century and rarely, if ever, lose. The casinos are a lot like a bear toying with a raccoon. Eventually it gets tired and smashes its living toy into the dirt. Many a sly gambler go home broke with a badly broken hand as a reminder to stay out of a particular establishment.
  4. Four is the regular local. They work for some component of the gambling establishment. These range from dealers, pit bosses, waiters/waitresses, security, clerks, cashiers, support and last but not least is the regular citizen. (Regular citizens live nearby, eat at the buffet and gamble a touch and they are SO not feeling your over the top party vibe.)
  5. Dark Vegas People. These are your drug dealers, human dealers, illegal fight club admissions and illegal high stakes gambling hosts. These are the guys to avoid like the plague. They are much more than you think and what you’re used to back home. (And they bury a lot of people out in the desert.)

All in all, you can have an amazing time in Vegas, as long as you realize that you: A. Are not “The MAN” and B. No, you don’t “Have this shit covered.”

Just keep your head down, have fun, be safe, and go home in one piece, a few dollars left, no STDs or one step ahead of a “Fixer” that wants to buy your girlfriend.

Now, be a good kid and go play.

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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The Dick Tracy triggering post

Does anyone remember Dick Tracy?

For the millennial’s in the crowd, first off, congrats on being able to read, check you out! But, for those born after most cool stuff happened, let me do some age-splaining for you. (Age-splaining is when someone older and wiser takes time out of their busy blog post to condescendingly inform you of something that you don’t know because it isn’t on social media.)

Dick Tracy was a comic strip about a detective that came in the Sunday comics portion of the newspaper. (Made out of paper! OH THE HORROR!)

It syndicated to hundreds of newspapers nationwide for no reason I can fathom. 

It sucked. 

They even tried making a movie out of it in the 80’s with Warren Beatty and Madonna.

It was an unqualified piece of shit from beginning to end. 

But from the comic strip to the movie, the one thing that stood out was the villains.

They were the laziest creations known to man. 

They all had names based on physical attributes or actions. 

There was one called “Redrum, the man without a face.” (He was a hitman, duh his name was murder spelled backwards. They drew him by just not drawing his face.)

One character they drew with a bunch of wrinkles and called him “Pruneface” (He looked shockingly like a scrotum. It was creepy 

If you’re still reading this, I know the question you want to ask.

WHO GIVES A SHIT?

I do, and hears why.

There are 3 Dick Tracy villains in Starbucks right now.

I was sipping my morning addiction when I looked up and began laughing. It made me laugh loud, and it wasn’t even that funny. (Some of these are just for me.)

And here is the villains that made me laugh:

  1. Flat Top Jones. The Dick Tracy villain had a flat head and combed his hair out flat over it. Our Flat Top has a normal head, but an afro that he combed out flat. Its a freakish look that I have never seen before. 
  2. Mumbles. You guessed it, he mumbles. So does the modern-day Starbucks version of Mumbles. Non-stop mumbling while staring at his laptop. I took the opportunity to look at coffee mugs for sale on the shelves behind him. He is watching semi obscene anime that borders on hentai. (Anime porn) No clue what he is mumbling. There is a creep factor that is off the charts at this point.
  3. Two face. The Dick Tracy version was a man with half his face mangled, the other half perfect. The Starbucks version is a Millennial that is on her cell phone, loudly defending the fact that she slept with her friend’s boyfriend and then told her about it because she “Couldn’t live with herself she was so guilty.”. Of course, that horrific guilt didn’t keep her legs together. Like an act of nature, she had no control over the act. In her mind, it is like blaming a hurricane for snapping your orange tree in half. My favorite line of her whole conversation was “Two-faced? How am I two-faced?” Good lord. (Ok, my Google research reveals that the Dick Tracy version of Two-Face was called Haf Haf. However, even the creator of the comic strip, Chester Gould, freely admitted that it was a straight rip off of the Batman villain. 

Now, I realize that writing about a comic strip that started in 1931, I lost more than half of you from the get-go. I am fine with that.

This was more an odd stroll down memory lane for a comic strip that I may have never read at all.

But I might have to, now.

 

The Caffeinated Humor Books – CLICK HERE

The PODCAST – CLICK HERE

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

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