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Too little, too much and too dumb to know either way

05 Jul

Boxer Joe Tory once said “Pizza is like sex. When it’s good, it’s very good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

And I believe that. 

You get what you give. 

Here’s why. 

Mandy.

Who’s Mandy?

Mandy is the 40 something woman on the patio of Starbucks who is on her phone, having a thoroughly rude conversation about her sex life and believes my headphones being on mean I cannot hear her.

But there is no music playing in my headphones, I can hear Mandy loud and clear.

So listen I did.

And what follows is a 20 minute description of Mandy’s sex partners for the last year, evidently there are more than a few.

And her final description of all of them, the summing up, the “review” of her carnal playmates?

“They all suck in bed!”

Wow. 

All of them?

Well, if anyone would know, it would be Mandy. 

But I do have one question.

It’s for Mandy, but you can mull it over if you like. 

Once you’ve had sex with the first couple dozen guys, and they ALL SUCK.

Doesn’t the thought occur to you that, maybe it’s you?

Mandy’s bed may be the killing fields of sex, the place where good sex is sad and without hope.

I honestly have no way of knowing I am just guessing at this point. 

But my accuracy when I begin guessing is legendary. 

But maybe I am biased and more than a little jaded.

So, I checked with the internet and did some quick and dirty research about what makes good sex. (Don’t Google “Hot Sex”. It’s a LOT of video research plus you risk carpal tunnel.)

I found a Millennial blog ALL about how to have great sex.

Here are the top three pieces of advice:

  • Meditate. (They even specified that you are NOT meditating about sex. Being at peace gives you the “Dick of death” or something.)
  • Masturbate a lot. (I actually exploded with laughter on this one, snotted myself and everything. The level of stupid here is frightening.)
  • “Understand that, for most women, sex is a violation.” (Great, sex tips from someone who hates sex. I am getting a semi as we speak. 

Mandy is going to be fine, she is just shitty in bed. 

But the Millenials are going to die out as a generation. 

Kids, you don’t have to freeze in place every time you have an emotion and refuse to move until you have figured out who to blame for it. 

What started out to be a fun little romp about Mandy and her revolving door panties has taken on an even sadder edge as we contemplate that a huge amount of the 20-somethings out there will be the last of their bloodline, dying out without an extinction level event as its cause. 

But I am sure the kids will figure out who to blame. 

 

The books are out! Check them out here! The Caffeinated Humor Series

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Posted by on July 5, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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