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Monthly Archives: July 2019

Book #4 is out!!!

The 4th book of the Caffeinated Humor series!!!

All the content you love, packaged together for your entertainment.

Get yours now!

Click this link! ——>It’s the Coffee Talking: Caffeinated Humor 4

 
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Posted by on July 18, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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Let’s all cry together in a safe space.

“If you have a feeling or an emotion, you don’t HAVE to freeze in place until you figure out who to blame.”

That’s my quote, I threw it out there in my last post.

And got some complaints about it. 

There was 3 in total and they all boiled down to the same thing.

“Walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you talk about it.”

They didn’t use that phrasing, but theirs sucked and this is my blog.

Several things.

First, I don’t need to even try someone else’s shoes on much less walk in them to know that they won’t fit me.

Second, not everything is about you. 

And if you think the walk a mile comment is not self-centered at its core, let’s all hope you marry money because the whole thinky thing is not your specialty. 

We live in an age of outrage.

You name it, someone is outraged about it.

There are 2 types of outrage.

The first is that honest old-school outrage. 

They are pissed and let you know it. 

On social media, it looks like this: “Hey asshole, F-you and F your opinion.”

I can respect that one, at least it’s up front and not hiding.

The second kind is the most common form of outrage.

Passive aggressive. 

“I think its funny how people like to make fun of _____.”

It’s preachy, a touch whiny, and basically goes down a bunny hole of political correctness that you either “Get it” or you start to get compared to “Nazis”.

And the list of things you are never allowed to talk about in anything but a reverential tone is as long as your arm.

The recent earthquakes, being bullied as a child, being underpaid, being discriminated against for any reason, not getting what you want and claiming its discrimination, being tall/short/male/female/old/young/Christian/Muslim are all on the list. 

If you are still having the issue, I wish you well on your road to getting that fixed. 

But, if this happened more than a decade ago? 

Let it go.

Stop letting your past define how you react to the present and the future. 

I have a good friend that has about a foot of scar tissue on his arm from a dog mauling when he was a child. 

The only time in the last decade or more that I have heard him mention it was to shut up some guy and his girlfriend when they commented on his joke about an attack dog. 

My friend is also a fisherman.

So when he began playing out the line for dipshit and his girlfriend, I sat and listened.

“You ever been attacked by a dog?”

“Plenty of people have and they probably wouldn’t think it was as funny.”

“But have YOU, ever been attacked by a dog?”

“My mom used to have this little dog that used to snap at us all the time.”

“So that is a no?”

“If you want to be technical…”

And then my friend pulled up his sleeve and shows the gnarled flesh.

“Let it go, stop bitching at people, move on with your life.”

Except that we have conditioned people to feign outrage over anything and everything.

I have always found those that feel it’s their job to chastise everyone else to be profoundly offensive.

The narcissism involved in assuming that you are the only one with any sort of emotional content in connection to some sort of life event is stunning. 

Yes, sweetie, we realize that it’s all about you. 

But, you need to look in the mirror and forgive someone, smack your inner toddler on the ass, call mom/dad/sibling/ex and forgive them.

And leave the rest of us alone. 

Please believe my sincerity when I say this.

Shhhh, nobody cares.

(Sidenote: My test reader just texted me and commented “Wow, who shit in your Cheerios today?)

(Good question.)

 

 
The books are out! Check them out here! The Caffeinated Humor Series

 
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Posted by on July 8, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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Too little, too much and too dumb to know either way

Boxer Joe Tory once said “Pizza is like sex. When it’s good, it’s very good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

And I believe that. 

You get what you give. 

Here’s why. 

Mandy.

Who’s Mandy?

Mandy is the 40 something woman on the patio of Starbucks who is on her phone, having a thoroughly rude conversation about her sex life and believes my headphones being on mean I cannot hear her.

But there is no music playing in my headphones, I can hear Mandy loud and clear.

So listen I did.

And what follows is a 20 minute description of Mandy’s sex partners for the last year, evidently there are more than a few.

And her final description of all of them, the summing up, the “review” of her carnal playmates?

“They all suck in bed!”

Wow. 

All of them?

Well, if anyone would know, it would be Mandy. 

But I do have one question.

It’s for Mandy, but you can mull it over if you like. 

Once you’ve had sex with the first couple dozen guys, and they ALL SUCK.

Doesn’t the thought occur to you that, maybe it’s you?

Mandy’s bed may be the killing fields of sex, the place where good sex is sad and without hope.

I honestly have no way of knowing I am just guessing at this point. 

But my accuracy when I begin guessing is legendary. 

But maybe I am biased and more than a little jaded.

So, I checked with the internet and did some quick and dirty research about what makes good sex. (Don’t Google “Hot Sex”. It’s a LOT of video research plus you risk carpal tunnel.)

I found a Millennial blog ALL about how to have great sex.

Here are the top three pieces of advice:

  • Meditate. (They even specified that you are NOT meditating about sex. Being at peace gives you the “Dick of death” or something.)
  • Masturbate a lot. (I actually exploded with laughter on this one, snotted myself and everything. The level of stupid here is frightening.)
  • “Understand that, for most women, sex is a violation.” (Great, sex tips from someone who hates sex. I am getting a semi as we speak. 

Mandy is going to be fine, she is just shitty in bed. 

But the Millenials are going to die out as a generation. 

Kids, you don’t have to freeze in place every time you have an emotion and refuse to move until you have figured out who to blame for it. 

What started out to be a fun little romp about Mandy and her revolving door panties has taken on an even sadder edge as we contemplate that a huge amount of the 20-somethings out there will be the last of their bloodline, dying out without an extinction level event as its cause. 

But I am sure the kids will figure out who to blame. 

 

The books are out! Check them out here! The Caffeinated Humor Series

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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