There is something off-putting to other people when you lick your nuts in public.
Like a social faux-pas that is a little too blatant to ignore.
Before this goes much further, this is not about me.
I am not that flexible.
And if I was, I sure as hell would not have time to be writing a blog.
I would have “things” to do.
Doug, however, has no issues with licking himself in public, he’s been doing it since I got in line at Starbucks.
The stage whisper ahead of me is from Gladys. (Google “Gladys Bewitched” and it makes sense.)
Gladys is all up in Doug’s shit.
Doug, by the way, is a service dog, a real one with a vest and everything.
And Doug has a serious thing going on with his nuts today.
Gladys is highly triggered by it, but can’t seem to look away.
The two stoners behind me are delighted.
Here is their first comments, verbatim:
“Dogs have all the luck.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wish I could do that.”
“Try petting him first.”
5 minutes of laughter followed that seemed to upset Gladys even more.
Doug didn’t seem to mind at all, he just continued licking his nut.
Gladys has officially, “Had enough”.
Doug’s owner was texting and missed this whole deliciously uncomfortable scene.
Raised eyebrows show no comprehension or acknowledgement of Gladys’ #MeToo ordeal.
“Can you do something about that?!?!”
Gladys wants SOMETHING done.
The smirk on his face is not helping here. (Its a Service Dog, pretty much, he could kill someone and I think that is legal.)
“Do something about that!”
Gladys wildly gestures in the direction of Doug’s testicular garden party.
“Looks like he’s got it covered.” (Outright laughing only makes it worse, dude.)
“Make him stop!” (Gladys is hitting her peak of outrage. Worse seeing but a little sad, too.)
“I don’t like to interrupt him when he’s eating.”
And then goes back to texting with a chuckle.
In the silence that follows, the stoners lose it.
Gladys fumes and and crosses her arms defiantly.
But she will NOT stop watching.
Maybe she should pet him.
Damn, I need coffee.