The week before Christmas is rarely all sugar cookies.
Lotta shit goes down twisted.
There are some years that have been that bad that you are afraid to be caught under the mistletoe because you could get “Roofied”. (Happy “Cosby” Xmas!)
The darker side is, there is usually a death around Xmas that slows the holiday cheer just a tad.
Think I’m kidding?
I have had Grandparents, cousins and a favorite pet pass away around the holidays.
My rotten suspicious side begins to wonder if Santa is involved somehow?
I mean, he is making a list, checking it twice.
Serial killers are known for making lists.
Let’s look at other red flags surrounding “Old St Nick”.
He lives in an isolated area and keeps to himself 364 days a year.
Has an associate with a Euro first name who’s nose is always red? (Rudolph? A coke-head? Bear with me.)
He breaks into numerous people’s houses and eats their food. (Homeowners have yet to find him passed out on their kitchen floor in a puddle of his own piss, but its just a matter of time.)
I am shocked we have not seen Santa on an episode of COPS. (The plates on the sled come back stolen, Santa is “Borrowing” the sled from a friend who’s name he can’t remember and that baggie of powder in his pocket? “That’s not mine!”)
It would be worth the soul-crushing disappointment just to see the Jolly Fat Man being fed into the back of a patrol car in handcuffs.
Just had a frightening moment.
I was sexually harassed.
I thought I was going to have to do a #METOO post on Facebook.
I was sitting here, reading this piece on my laptop, when I felt it.
A hand brushed my testicles.
I ignored it, maybe someone bumped into me.
And then the hand began fondling me.
I was humiliated, I was embarrassed.
And then I realized the hand was mine.
In true caffeine-soaked, grinch-like fashion, I didn’t finish the blog ahead of schedule and have it post early today.
I am belting it out and will immediately post.
Although, that was how the first 6 months of the blog was done, nothing ahead of time, and that was some incredible stuff. (I can wait hear if you want to use the archive on the right to read the first six month. Summer 2011 was a good time for wine and shitty blogs.)
Everyone up to date? Good!
I would love to have some sort of excuse for my laziness, and I got nothing.
So lets throw the holidays under the bus.
Looking like a pretty good Christmas, beginning to shake a minor cold and have back to back 3 day weekends for Xmas and New Years.
I even allowed the barrista to shake a little cinnamon and pumpkin spice into my coffee, just to be festive.
So I am drinking Christmas today.
As long as Christmas tastes like coffee.
God bless us, everyone.