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Monthly Archives: December 2017

Ho, Ho, Hoe

Sometimes the holiday season can come upon you like an STD, painful and embarrassing.

And you find yourself worrying about it on the toilet a lot.

Its a lot like stages of grief.

Denial. “It can’t be Christmas already?!?!” (Stop posting affirmation memes on FB for 2 fucking seconds and look at the calendar.)

Anger. “I hate how commercial it is!” (And yet YOU feed the beast, every year.)

Bargaining. “Alright, I can skip the gym 2 days a week and just budget my time tighter, that will work, right?” (It is one of those lines that you know are a lie when you say them. Its your baby, sure I’ll pay you back, I’ll pull out, that sort of thing.)

Depression. “Fuck it, I don’t care, this year is just fucked because of blah, blah, blah.” (There is a certain charm to being totally fucked, but that statement makes no sense to those who have never bottomed out.)

Acceptance. “I am going to get a good tree this year!” (Control the shit you can control.)

That being said, Christmas is coming, time to start fat shaming the goose just prior to his death.

Personally, you couldn’t make me eat goose with a gun to my head.

I once ate foie-gras (Goose liver, but God knows what they do to it.) in Paris during my peace mission to France. (My Great grandfather was a war hero and hated the French with a passion he usually reserved for the English (We’re Irish) or the Italians (Just because).

Foie-Gras was so foul I suddenly understood my great grandfather and the French. (2 bottles of wine later, I tried foie-gras again. Still nasty.)

I work with one of those annoying vegetarians that claims to be much healthier but is always out sick.

I am an unapologetic carnivore.

Meaning that it wouldn’t bother me to be in on the kill, but my work schedule prohibits it. (For the record, the last time I was sick was 2 years ago. Sinus infection that cleared up in a few days.)

My immune system is a lot like a 6’8 special forces soldier, its not afraid of anything, it just figures out how to kill it.

But go ahead and eat your fucking bean sprouts.

Can you feel Christmas in the air?
People are spending money and planning for the day.

It quit being a religious day for the masses awhile ago.

And I am ok with that.

Faith is Faith, you either have it or not, regardless of what day you get off of work.

But, when the day comes and you end up roasting in Hell, don’t come bitching to me.

I will be having a steak with the Almighty while you and the vegetarians get yours.

I am not wishing hell on you, just to be clear.

Vegetarians, yes., fuck those guys.

Oh, and coffee, there will be coffee.

I am fairly certain the Almighty is a dark roast guy.

Happy holidays.

Mmmmmm coffee.

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Posted by on December 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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One for the ladies…

There is a holiday show on right now that has a penniless single mom who gave some woman CPR on the way to work, saves a life, is fired by the shitty Grinch she works for for being late and after a LOT of HIGHLY improbable “Notebook” type shit, she finds true love and the woman she save sends her a Christmas card with a few grand in it.

And I found myself changing my ways.

My caffeine soaked, Grinch-like heart has grown three sizes and I am about to toboggan my hairy ass down the mountain to Whoville.

Because that’s where the money is.

The next well monied old biddy that goes tits up in front of me has my full attention.

I will suck start that old broad back to life.

Right after I run her credit.

She’s turning blue, I will get eye contact for a sec.

“WHAT’S THE LAST 4 OF YOUR SOCIAL? THE LAST 4?!?!”

She has over a 750 and I’m jingling her chimes for the holidays.

I will be in the will before the paramedics get there. (I am a registered minister. I can perform it all myself. I am also a notary.)

Have I upset anyone?

Awwww, and don’t I just feel terrible about that?

It is officially that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

That time of year when anyone connected with retail laments their life choices and plots their suicide.

If you are a parent, you might be lamenting your life choices and plotting your suicide.

While the rest of us give thought to what to get our kids for Xmas. (I used Xmas on purpose. Lets leave Christ out of this, its more about the shopping. He was never a big shopper anyway.)

Stock market is booming, people are working and life is good, right?

Depends on who you talk to.

Half the government is denying they wiggled their dick at anyone and the other half is busy apologizing for it.

Thank god they are not outing regular Joe’s like me.

Have I wiggled my dick at the opposite sex on occasion?

You’re goddam right I have!

But, while I have never been prosecuted or forced to step down from a job, I might hesitate to run for office.

What is so sad is, the first accusation comes out and these entertainment bigwigs/politicians immediately claim it never happened, they don’t remember it and never met the accuser.

And then more accusations come in, like there is a line forming in the hallway.

And then their career goes the way of Bill Cosby.

Now, I would like to take a swing at Bill Cosby and his 54 rapes, but it suddenly occurs to me that I have a daughter.

So fuck that guy and his brother Russell.

Its almost upsetting enough to ruin my coffee.

I said almost, lets not get crazy.

Mmmmm coffee.

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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