Starbucks is attempting a hostile world takeover, one cup at a time.
I felt a little awkward this morning, yelling at the dog to stop licking his balls.
I mean, who am I to judge?
If I could reach, I sure as hell would not listen to people asking me to stop.
However, I feed him and walk him, so its my way or the highway. (Highway consists of feeding himself and figuring out how to shit into mid-air.)
Upon reflection, It might be the best of all things that me, and by extension males as a species, are not double jointed in a way as to facilitate the licking of our own balls.
The damage to society would be devastating.
We would still be living in caves and the ladies would be cooking cold meals because nobody will stop their activities long enough to invent fire.
So it all works out for the best.
And no one will have invented Starbucks.
So there is that.
Talk about your aggressive organizations.
There was an old school sporting goods store in my town.
Been there since before I was born.
Burnt to the ground a few years ago.
And no one has had the heart to rebuild.
Like living in a house someone died in, there is bad mojo attached to it.
They could not care less.
Tempt fate? Motherfucker, they OWN fate sprinkled with pumpkin spice! (That line makes no sense, but I laugh every time I read it, so it stays.)
But why? Why do they want to dominate the world?
It makes perfect sense now, doesn’t it?
Starbucks is spreading like the plague because they can’t like their own balls. (Let that sink in.)
Even I am in awe at the twisted logic that made the concept above possible.
However twisted that sounds, I cannot find a serious argument against it.
Dogs, by the way, do not prefer the taste of pumpkin spice, much less latte’s with pumpkin spice. (Balls yes, P-spice? No bueno.)
It is this that has held dogs down from evolving thumbs and competing for dominance on this planet.
A test reader just made a funny about humans not sniffing each other’s asses.
Beg to differ.
Go to any bar in Hermosa Beach, California during the Summer on “Dollar Shot Night” and you will see manifest ass sniffing on a grand scale.
In truth, we are not that far from the caves, but we like to think we are.
This is the first in a series of posts that unmask plots by the major coffee houses.
My next post will explain Starbucks connection to the Unicorn Latte and nuclear war.