There is a point during the year that the holidays basically shit themselves.
There is the dread and tension leading into Thanksgiving.
Very few households are Ozzie and Harriet. (And very few people understand that quote. That may be a good thing.)
And then you survive Thanksgiving thru a combination of wine, verbal sparring and diligent use of Israeli Krav Maga for the nastier moments.
But its over, and the very next day, all hell breaks loose.
The one day named after a color that is never called racist.
The holidays are touted by everyone who chooses to open their pie hole as that time of the year that we are supposed be better people.
So what better day to start the season than getting up in the middle of the night and going to stand in the cold, waiting for the doors of some place I would not shop at usually but the promise of door busters turns me into a miserable whore.
And then the doors open and the Hunger Games begin.
You would think that, with the advent of the internet and online shopping growing like it is, that Black Friday would be on the decline.
Take a moment and Google “Black Friday Walmart fight” and you would be stunned at the hundreds of videos that pop up. (The 500lbs woman from Queens fighting with the gang of skinny women was a classic.)
Nothing better to start off the season than putting the boot to people in the name of capitalism. (Don’t think I am smacking Capitalism, it is the only thing that will save us.)
Getting 40% off of something for the holidays is tempting but its not going to get me out in the cold for more than an hour, much less camping out for days.
True doorbusters are rare, but if fighting to the death with a 500lbs woman from Queens is the only way you can get a 60” LCD tv for your rent controlled apartment then maybe you shouldn’t have it.
You’re goddam right I said it.
If you are living on the government dole, living the good life is being kind of greedy.
(Wow, this took a nasty turn)
How about this?
If you do have a holiday that you value at some time during the year, try not to be a rotten shit in the period right before it.
Elf on the shelf made his bones on the guilt of people who act like assholes during the Xmas season.
Its a damn shame that we don’t have a mental Elf on the Shelf that could live in our heads.
Not to frighten small children, but to frighten the adult children.
A little mental baba yaga that threatens to rat us out to whoever is in control of your holiday.
That would have several effects.
Road rage would lessen, not go away entirely, but lessen. (You can’t get rid of human nature, just dampen it for short periods of time.)
Facebook wars would slow down. (Grow up)
Revenge sex would be oddly untouched. (Go figure)
The rolling of eyes and weary sighs would be on the decline. (Anyone under the age of 25)
And people could get back to the one thing that is really bringing us together this holiday season.
Bitching about Trump. (Whining fucking maggots.)