You know I have to get the last word.
I couldn’t let the year end without running at the mouth one last time.
New Year’s Eve is coming and it is time to lie like a politician to the one person we should never lie to.
New Years is the time that we trot out our completely unrealistic resolutions and parade them around like a temporary trophy wife for all to see.
And they last as long as the trophy wife does and will desert you every bit as fast as if she found out you got no money.
At least you won’t have a lingering STD when the resolution is gone.
At least physically.
I have seen people pillory themselves like one of the Marquis de Sade’s regulars over not losing that 10 pounds from the holidays.
In reality, the only people that truly give a crap how much you weigh will be your pallbearers, everything else is just in your head.
At my Great Uncle Jack’s funeral, one of my cousins was struggling to hold up his end.
In frustration, he looked down at the casket.
“Jesus Christ, Jack!”
First time I had ever witnessed someone berating a corpse.
I try to keep my resolutions either ridiculously easy to pull off, or impossible to the point that no one thinks its serious at all.
Here are my easy resolutions:
- Don’t get arrested New Years Eve. (Much easier since I quit power drinking.)
- Go to the gym. (I am going to the gym now, so I win by doing the norm.)
- Be nicer to the family. (Nicer is so hard to put a definition to, I can do what I want.)
And here are my impossibles, (Or perhaps Deplorables)
- Not be mean to people. (Not breathing would be easier. I am not a real fan of people.)
- Get taller. (If I knew how to pull this one off it would have happened decades ago.
- Masturbate less. (Don’t look at me, you’ll ruin the mood.)
I have finally come to this.
I hope next year doesn’t suck.
For those that claim that this year sucked, consider the alternative.
It could have really sucked.
Some people are pissed because a celebrity they liked died, or a politician they didn’t like won, or blah blah blah.
In reality, not a goddam thing actually went wrong with your year.
Happiness is a perception.
So if you are not happy with how this year was?
Get off your ass and get in the game.
Make next year a better one, by your definition.
And for fucks sake! Stop posting shit on Facebook, it makes you look like a douche.
Happy New Year.