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Monthly Archives: November 2016

Horseshoes and hand grenades

Here’s the thing about losing, in anything you care about in life.

It sucks.

Depending on how high the stakes are to you, it can suck like a 3 day case of the quacker shits.

Crude line, but I think I nailed it.

Winning is a lot better.

Winning is like milk and your favorite cookies on a rainy winter’s day.

I was so tempted to go dirty there.

This blog is becoming so wholesome, its just sad.

Or maybe that is a dodge.

Speaking of, Climate Change is in the news.

It used to be Global warming and the science was DONE, ask any snivelling tree hugger out there and you couldn’t shut them up about it.

The entire planet was supposed to be a barren desert by now, Al Gore said so.

Al Gore walked among us like a man for many years, travelling around in his G5 and leaving a carbon footprint the size of Texas as he admonished us about the evils of fossil fuel, even as he burns thru it like a meth head going thru a stack of rocks.

For awhile I thought he was just fucking with us, daring someone to tell the climate emperor he was naked and full of shit.

And then something funny happened.

It got cooler.

There are a lot of scientific reasons for this, but it kind of boils down to money, politics and being really full of shit.

But all of that is done.

I have it on good authority that the world will end in a fiery holocaust late next week and Donald Trump will gnaw on the bones of the dead in the penthouse suite of Trump Tower.

This little theory was ponied up by a crying hipster screeching into his camera phone all the way from Portland, Oregon.

Protests are going on in Portland.

It’s nice to see the Occupy Wallstreet crowd keeping busy, it gets them out of their parent’s basements and homeless shelters.

It has been a dark time since the election.

Not because of who won, but my guilt at how hysterically giddy I have been watching the whining and extreme butt-hurt wailing that has been going 24/7 ever since.

If there was ever a generation that needed to have been beaten with a stick earlier in life, it’s the Millennials.

You might be able to shut down all the protesting if you gave all of them a participation trophy just for showing up while repeatedly slapping them across the face screaming “You won!” into their ear.

However, much like a horse that gets the bit between his teeth and takes off, slowing them down may be a little difficult.

So, since tasing them en-masse is a legal grey area, we will have to wait for them to wind down.

At that point, we can get them some milk and cookies, put on a show they like, and have them enjoy some private time.

Because that always helps when you LOSE.

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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At least wear a condom

There is something to be said for old school making out.

There is also something slightly uncomfortable about not being one of the makeout participants.

But there is something evil in the delight washing over me as I watch other non-participants being REALLY uncomfortable about the aforementioned making out.

There is a thirty-something couple that is sitting on the cushion seats at Starbucks, making out like they are cheating on someone.

There is no inappropriate touching going on, everyone is fully clothed, but I am beginning to suspect that either their lips are stitched together or he is performing some sort of dentistry on her with his tongue.

Table to their right is inhabited by every disapproving old lady you have ever met.

Old ladies come in pairs as a general rule.

Its a lot like a buddy system, one to talk trash, the other to nod their head.

And, from the looks of it, these two old biddies are just about to shit themselves.

On the other side of our amorous couple is the Creeps.

The Creeps are just staring.

Creep #1, we will call him Peeper, he likes to descretely peep out of the corner of his eye and pretend no one sees him looking.

Creep #2, we will call him Alpha Creep, doesn’t give a shit, he is just blatantly staring.

Alpha Creep has enough of a pervy creep vibe to him that he may start masturbating at any moment, and it would not shock me.

Getting back to our carnal customers.

We could call them Romeo and Juliet, but that seems a little too easy and over done.

So, Fred and Ginger are going at it like he is leaving for the war tomorrow.

I would say get a room, but they have two untouched cups of something in front of them, so they have technically paid the rent on the 2 spots on the cushions they currently inhabit.

I mean, if a homeless guy can buy a small coffee and sleep in a chair, then two fully clothed patrons who DON’T stink can dry hump on the table.

Plus, its kind of sweet.

I mean, making out as an art form seems to have been on the decline for the last decade.

And I don’t understand why?

I mean, done right, making out is one of the more erotic things two people can share.

And we all seem to forget that in pursuit of the infamous “Hook Up”.

Evidently, hook ups are happening left and right.

By the way, they still don’t have cures for STDs, but they are all on the rise.

Which is why the hook up is not something I can do.

Remember the movie Jaws?
I stopped going in the ocean because of that movie.

I am sure that I will become that rare statistic that will be eaten by a shark.

Same thing with STDs.

It would be just my luck to catch something and my shwantz would fall off and scurry away like a frightened snake.

Who needs that type of stress?

But, I am liking Fred and Ginger.

To be perfectly honest, they aren’t boring, they smell nice and I am not worried that they might attack in a drug fueled rage.

So I say, let them stay.

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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