Put a sugar cube up your ass.
Feeling a little blah? (Have you tried coffee?)
No pep in your step? (Have you tried coffee?)
Need a little pick me up? (Have you tried coffee?)
Then just drop trow, bend over and shove a cube of refined sugar up your bunghole. (Have you tried coffee?)
I know what you’re saying, “Hey Bitter, that won’t work.”
I know that. (Have you tried coffee?)
You know that.
Everyone you meet throughout the course of your day knows that.
Everyone except the hipster dumbfuck at the next table at Starbucks.
He offered up that ironically sweet little opinion into his phone just a minute ago.
I thought maybe I had misheard him.
But the guy on the phone must have thought the same thing, because Rectal Sugar Daddy said it again and went into detail.
I wish he hadn’t.
There are some things, concepts mostly, that you cannot unthink once you hear them.
Mostly evil stuff.
Socialism, Scat parties, Amway, scary stuff that is better left untouched, like shit on the sidewalk, give it a wide berth and just go around it.
The wheel, fire and masturbation have already been invented, so no need to keep working on that.
As a niche of humanity, hipsters have a basic dissatisfaction with life that really is pathetic to behold.
There is a whiny obsession with having to have something uniformly unique about themselves.
Like a puzzle with pieces that are all the same shape, and one look tells you what the boring picture is.
But, seriously, have you tried coffee?
5 hour shots, energy drinks, energy supplements are desperate attempts to be hip, be new, do something different.
Just like everyone else.
But, have you tried coffee?
Coffee is tried, true and reliable.
Still relatively cheap, available everywhere, and you will never have you pour it up your ass.
Although, I have heard that a coffee enema is amazing.
Never gonna happen, I can only imagine what mainlining my drug of choice with a rectal delivery system would do to my central nervous system.
Plus, there comes a point that you have to ask, “Am I just doing this to have an excuse to put something up your own ass?”
I don’t judge.
Ok, I do, but I will usually keep it to myself or at least not call you on it publicly.
It almost makes you want to ask Rectal Sugar Daddy what else is on his anal agenda.
Maybe sugar cube is his little nickname for a two foot long latex monstrosity made in the Netherlands with an face painted on it with the words “Sugar Cube” written in Arabic.
But have you tried coffee?
Coffee is trouble free, coffee is uncomplicated, coffee is the beverage of the rightious.
Coffee just is.
Have you tried coffee?
I have, and it was like a liquid epiphany, a clarity of thought mixed with a slightly raised pulse and cream n sugar.
And the rest is history.
So, if nothing else I have said has sunk in, or grabbed hold of you, I will leave you with this final thought.
Have you tried coffee?