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Monthly Archives: October 2016

Shhhh, nobody cares

There are times I love Facebook and times I hate it.

I tend to use it as a playground, treating everyone on it like playthings.

I see how much shit I can stir up on a regular basis.

And if you think there is no shit to stir, you are the shit.

Some people I go after their reaction like I am fishing for trout.

My high point was my fake account for the largest high school in Des Moines, Iowa.

There was a study that said this was the most average place in the USA.

So I created a profile, loaded a bunch of group pics, never a single person pic and choose a name that was similar to all the names on the largest high school alumni page in Des Moines.

I commented a lot on the Alumni page and then began sending out friend requests.

Within a month, I had over 200 friends, several people that say they remembered me and one girl that claims I made out with her at a party.

There was a vile part of me that really enjoyed slapping around these cyber mice like a digital cat, and a noticeable lack of remorse.

Evidently I have no shame.

Or if I do, I also have some sort of emotional disconnect that keeps it from influencing my actions.

I am good with that.

Everyone should have a hobby. (Fucking with people.)

And then there is times I hate Facebook for what it does to people.

It seems to bring out the therapy dependent tendencies in some.

These tendencies manifest in two different ways.

The first is a need for reassurance.

It starts with a passive aggressive statement about eliminating people unless there is some sort of response.

The immediate reaction is a reply of “Please don’t unfriend me.”

I immediately ask to be unfriended.

They usually think I am kidding.

Sad thing is, I am not kidding.

Who has time for this drama?

I deliberately use the word drama because there are those that constantly mention trying to avoid drama.

And they are the ones that are always hip deep in it.

The second tendency comes in the form of continually posting self help posters about how a real man/friend will treat you.

Its exhausting.

I stop being nice at this point.

I don’t have that kind of time.

There will never be a time that I make any demands of anyone on Facebook other than to try to force you to stand up to me.
I am a bully of sorts.

Usually I will push the various buttons of those that present themselves as Alpha types.

You want to play with the big dogs, learn to show your teeth.

Plus, in a sick way, its a lot of fun.

The biggest key that NO ONE seems to get is that none of this should be taken seriously.

Somebody said its like high school.

Not even that grown up in my eyes.

More like a sandbox of children all armed with smart phones.

So, if I happen to throw a little sand your way, wipe your eyes, pull up your big kid pants and throw some back.

Remember, nobody like a crybaby.

Child or adult.

A test reader just asked me why I sound like an ass.

Good, I am hitting the right tone.

So if one more person asks me to answer an obviously cut and pasted posted with a single word about how we met then repost, my answer will be “FISTING” and I don’t care how many coworkers and elder relatives they are Facebook friends with.

Just saying.

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Got something to say?

For God’s sake, wash your ass!

I don’t think I am asking for too much here.

I cannot name a time that Starbucks ever had a stank like this going on.

And the sad part is, it’s a self inflicted wound.

Starbucks did it to itself.

It all has to do with free electricity and lax policies concerning the homeless.

Every table is wired in a starbucks.

They do that so people like me will stay awhile.

The longer I stay, the more I will buy.

But here is the flaw in the plan.

The homeless will spend a dollar and stay all fucking day.

The government gives away cell phones with chargers and free cell plans.

The one thing the government does not give away is charging stations with free electricity.

So here is the one flaw in Starbuck’s plan.

I am positive that I am the customer they planned on with the whole setup.

As opposed to a $1.50 sale to someone who will then sleep in a massive BO stupor for 10 hours.

I can guarantee that little scenario is not on any business plan at the corporate office.  

I broke my nose years ago playing hockey, so I don’t smell much these days.

But the stench of the unwashed ass of the homeless guy at the next table is killing me.

“How can you be so cruel? You don’t know what his life has been like. Walk a mile in his shoes…blah, blah, fucking blah.”

Cry pussy, cry your eyes out.

All actions in life have consequences.

A dozen minor decisions pile up into 1 major issue.

Ignorance of the laws of life is no excuse.

“But thats not fair!”

Right, its not.

Doesn’t mean thats not how it is.

Sorry to get real on you, but that little rant I found balled up in the back of my head, so I dusted it off and put it out there.

Shit in my head has a shelf life.

I keep nothing past the due date.

That little philosophy will not win you a lot of friends and it will lose you a few, but at least you know that the ones that are left have a little backbone to them.

Excellent sign of people who I will piss off is that they use the phrase “There is nothing funny about ___”

Censoring yourself is like an addiction, it seems harmless at first and then you realize one day that it effects everything you do.

Trust me on this one, you don’t wake up one day with this type of literary tourettes.

Its a place you end up, not a place you begin at.

There is a scene in the epic tale Cyrano De Bergerac where Cyrano talks about being his own man:

“But, to sing, to laugh, to dream,

to walk in my own way,

free with an eye to see things as they are,

a voice that means manhood.

To cock my hat where I choose.

Not a word, a yes, a no?

To fight, or write.

But never to make a line I have not heard in my own heart.”

Edmond Rostand was the shit.

I wonder how he took his coffee?

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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And leave your ass alone

Put a sugar cube up your ass.

Feeling a little blah? (Have you tried coffee?)

No pep in your step?  (Have you tried coffee?)

Need a little pick me up? (Have you tried coffee?)

Then just drop trow, bend over and shove a cube of refined sugar up your bunghole.  (Have you tried coffee?)

I know what you’re saying, “Hey Bitter, that won’t work.”

I know that.  (Have you tried coffee?)

You know that.

Everyone you meet throughout the course of your day knows that.

Everyone except the hipster dumbfuck at the next table at Starbucks.

He offered up that ironically sweet little opinion into his phone just a minute ago.

I thought maybe I had misheard him.

But the guy on the phone must have thought the same thing, because Rectal Sugar Daddy said it again and went into detail.

I wish he hadn’t.

There are some things, concepts mostly, that you cannot unthink once you hear them.

Mostly evil stuff.

Socialism, Scat parties, Amway, scary stuff that is better left untouched, like shit on the sidewalk, give it a wide berth and just go around it.

The wheel, fire and masturbation have already been invented, so no need to keep working on that.

As a niche of humanity, hipsters have a basic dissatisfaction with life that really is pathetic to behold.

There is a whiny obsession with having to have something uniformly unique about themselves.

Like a puzzle with pieces that are all the same shape, and one look tells you what the boring picture is.

But, seriously, have you tried coffee?

5 hour shots, energy drinks, energy supplements are desperate attempts to be hip, be new, do something different.

Just like everyone else.

But, have you tried coffee?

Coffee is tried, true and reliable.

Still relatively cheap, available everywhere, and you will never have you pour it up your ass.

Although, I have heard that a coffee enema is amazing.

Never gonna happen, I can only imagine what mainlining my drug of choice with a rectal delivery system would do to my central nervous system.

Plus, there comes a point that you have to ask, “Am I just doing this to have an excuse to put something up your own ass?”

I don’t judge.

Ok, I do, but I will usually keep it to myself or at least not call you on it publicly.

It almost makes you want to ask Rectal Sugar Daddy what else is on his anal agenda.

Maybe sugar cube is his little nickname for a two foot long latex monstrosity made in the Netherlands with an face painted on it with the words “Sugar Cube” written in Arabic.

Just saying.

But have you tried coffee?

Coffee is trouble free, coffee is uncomplicated, coffee is the beverage of the rightious.

Coffee just is.

Have you tried coffee?

I have, and it was like a liquid epiphany, a clarity of thought mixed with a slightly raised pulse and cream n sugar.

And the rest is history.

So, if nothing else I have said has sunk in, or grabbed hold of you, I will leave you with this final thought.

Have you tried coffee?

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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