Travelling can be a great way to broaden your horizons.
And by horizons, I mean people watch in a new location.
I am over a thousand miles away from my usual stomping grounds.
The Pacific Northwest.
The region responsible for inflicting Starbucks on the world. (That is one of those blessing/curse things.)
The nicest thing about people watching in a new place is that you get to see the local freak talent.
They may be blending into the background for the regulars around here, but I am getting my eyes on them for the first time.
So, here is a round up of the locals in beautiful downtown portland.
- There are two homeless guys in line behind me that left their signs propped up next to the front door. “I’m not gonna lie, I just want a cold beer” and “Give till it hurts, I don’t mind”
- The guy standing next to me as I wait for my coffee is so stoned he keeps dozing off and almost falling.
- This is a general thing. Half the population of this Starbucks is women. And ALL of them are wearing glasses. Not a one with proper vision or contacts in the bunch. I happen to be of the opinion that women with glasses are the hottest thing this side of long thick hair, (Along with the nervous tendency to play with that hair when you think no one is looking. You know who you are.)
The two homeless guys are the most annoying.
The guy that wants the cold beer is a liar, he ordered a coffee drink.
And being a begging homeless guy pays a lot better than it used to, he ordered a $7 coffee drink.
The stoner guy may have hurt himself.
He got his coffee and made his way into the bathroom.
Soon after the door closed, I heard a crash like he fell headfirst into the toilet.
I would have checked on him, but I am not my brother’s keeper.
At least, not this one.
As for the bespectacled women?
I sat and sipped my coffee with a full chubby for the better part of an hour.
And then I saw her.
Not to be bigoted, and everyone is free to live whatever life you want, but if your basic sex is not within the realm of even guessing, I reserve the right to judge the shit out of you.
Man, women, man, women…… ADAM’S APPLE AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
He/she had a great ass, I will give he-she that much.
I finished my Venti house drip, thats 22oz of caffeinated goodness, and took the cashier’s offer of a free refill for being a visitor and got more caffeine.
There is a certain giddy edge to ingesting 950mg of caffeine in a short period of time.
The State of California defines being “Under the influence” of caffeine at an unsafe level as having more than 200mg in a 4 hour period.
This is how bad things happen.
There is a streamlined cerebral frenzy that goes on when your brain is mainlining legal speed in quantity that only meth heads or astronauts can understand.
Shitty, sarcastic lines so vile you tend to avoid eye contact with others for a few hours just from the sheer travesty of the imagery.
Music is awesome and really annoying at the same time.
You want more than anything to argue with people you don’t even know.
The safe move is just to keep typing and don’t inflict this kind of random mayhem on strangers.
Mainly because you might want to come back to this Starbucks before you leave town like a man making a jail break.
It is wildly hard, almost impossible to be asked not to come back to a Starbucks without an arrest being made, their corporate whore-like money greed is that strong.
I have been banned twice from various Starbucks.
One for, and I quote, inciting an insurrection.
The manager had a flair for the dramatic, but basically, my crime was egging on a crazed homeless man who was arguing with a painting on the wall.
The second time was making comments under my breath to the ultra-sensitive liberals having a meeting at the big table.
They complained bitterly to the manager and then I did it again while he was asking me to stop, and that made me laugh so hard I got the hiccups.
None of this is illegal.
The last thing Starbucks wants is the police involved.
Starbucks just wants to sell coffee.
And I just want to drink it.
(Tastes different up here, must be the water.)