Some situations remind you exactly why waterboarding was created.
There is nothing more annoying than a grown-up talking baby-talk.
And the extreme level of my annoyance and itchy molars has nothing to do with not having had my coffee yet.
At least I think it doesn’t.
But when a grown man begins whispering baby-talk into his iPhone, in line at Starbucks, ahead of me, I begin to realize what the inventor of the taser had in mind, someone in massive pain, shitting themselves, with no permanent damage.
At least, that is what this moment makes me hope he envisioned.
“No-no-no-no, I wuv yu tu muchie.”
This was said out loud, where other adults could hear it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
And just to put a little stank on this sin, HE HELD UP HIS FINGER TO HAVE THE CASHIER WAIT WHILE HE SAID IT!
I don’t care what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home, but don’t get between me and my coffee.
I will pull a “Java Coyote” on you and chew thru your arm to get to my coffee.
This seems extreme, but I made my peace with random heinous acts in the name of addiction a long time ago.
I finally got my order in and because I just get a house drip, they give it to me immediately instead of making me wait for the barrista to make it, so I don’t have to wait like the proles at the end of the counter.
I am peacefully cream and sugaring my fix when it starts back up.
“No-no-no-no yu gots to hung up first, sweetie-weetie”
He dropped his voice a touch out of some sort of sense of decency.
Maybe his parents are still alive or something. (And not that he is afraid to embarrass them, but that they will feel they have to do the right thing and put him down, like an honor killing or something.)
I am not one for the silent praying for a random gang beating in a Starbucks, but I realize that I have been doing just that for the last 5 minutes.
And the reality of it all is that his crime is not that huge in the grand scheme of things, but it hits a nerve that is lodged deep in my cerebral cortex. (That part of the brain that controls rage and swampass)
And sometimes you have to go with your instincts.
Primordial man had a reason for seeing the guy that lived in the cave next door, recognizing the beginnings of the pox and beating him to death at the water hole to protect the safety of the community.
I am ok with that.
Same thing here.
Unfortunately, there is a societal taboo about murder as a method of correcting annoying behavior.
Fine, have it your way, society.
But I know I am not alone on this one.
There will come a time that the percentage of cringing swampass will get high enough that some sort of atrocity at a major coffee house chain somewhere.
Part blog, part prophet.