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Monthly Archives: January 2016

Good morning, white trash america.

“So I got arrested… AGAIN!”

I have always been a fan of an eye catching opening line.

This one has to be in the top ten, even without checking the list.

Starbucks in the beach cities are rarely the first place scruffy types in need of a shave with a mild case of BO going on seem to congregate.

And yet, here we are.

Not to be judgemental, but lets just call this guy Inmate.

Inmate probably needed a shave when he was arrested 3 days ago.

So fast forward to today, he has a serious newly homeless vibe going on.

Sets the scene, doesn’t it?

And, as so often happens when you are eating a delicious appetizer, the main course shows up, and its even better.

“Can you believe that shit? She hits me, and I go to jail!”

Wow.

In the lexicon of sarcastic blogging, I find that my mind stutters and freezes in place at trying to convey the redneck/trailer trash/meth head dirty feeling that line gives you.

Like an episode of Cops that you suddenly find yourself an unwilling extra on.

And we all know how that ends.

There is a certain glamour to shit-canning your life with meth and jail time that have always escaped me.

Maybe its the background stink of cigarettes that has taken the shine off of it.

My asthma limits my lower instincts.

Plus, my parents are still alive, which is a bigger thing than you know.

And the sad thing is, this guy is so far down his particular path that he does not even see what the issue is.

So, sitting in my ivory tower and watching him is sad, in and of itself.

The main point is, and I both hate and love being the one to point this out, is that your get what you give.

And this motherfucker has never deposited anything but shit into this particular account, but is shocked that his interest stinks worse than his breath. (Because shit is shit and nothing can change that smell. The scent companies seem to think the smell of lemons works. But shit sprayed with lemons just smells like lemony shit. This topic is its own blog post really. Focus, people!)

It boggles the mind if you think about it.

And maybe thinking about it is the bigger issue.

Nobody thinks.

Except me, and what I think I put into print for the edification of the masses.

But leisure reading is necessary to gain anything from it.

And nobody reads.

So, since nobody is thinking or reading but me, what do we do now?

I got snake eyes on this one.

All I do have is my coffee and very little hope for the future.

But the coffee is good, so at least there’s that.

 

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Posted by on January 29, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Its better to look good than to feel good.

Murder can be sexy.

Fur is loudly screamed about by animal rights activists as being murder.

Mainly because it is.

But so is eating meat, and according to scientists – eating vegetables, and just about anything else we do to stay alive on this planet. (Studies have shown that vegetable matter emits an electrical pulse when plucked from vine or main plant, much akin to a scream. So vegetarians and vegans are filthy murderers like the rest of us.)

But here is part of the problem, fur is just so damn sexy.

Here is a test:

Doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, just do this.

Imagine a celebrity that you find sexually attractive.

Now imagine them naked, in a seductive pose.

Its hot, right? Works for you?

Now imagine them wrapped in snow white fur.

Just got a little hotter in here, right?

That is why it will never go away entirely.

It has been on the decline for a few years, but I just read an article that shows that fur dealers are showing a huge increase in demand.

Thank god.

Perhaps the day will come that I can go to a steakhouse and be served an 18oz ribeye by a buxom waitress clad only in a floor length mink. (As far as masturbatory fantasies go, this one is a half notch above staying after class to help the playboy substitute teacher “Clap the erasers”.)

Maybe not, but it is still intriguing.

But what led us here?

Lizzy.

Lizzy is a twenty something airhead from an affluent side of the beach cities.

Her friend, who’s name is unknown at this time, comes from the same hood.

And the only reason I know Lizzy’s name?

Because her friend keeps repeating it.

The friend, let’s call her Whiny for lack of anything better, was already in the beach area Starbucks when Lizzy arrived.

Whiny has been sipping a $10 incredibly difficult coffee drink and texting like it will cure cancer since she arrived.

(I was here when she arrived. I am always here, I am not sure I ever leave.)

Lizzy came in wearing a beautiful outfit that nicely showed off her figure.

And a white mink shrug.

The fur took a beautiful girl and cranked her up into bombshell.

Whiny’s first, second, third and fourth comments:

“Lizzy?!?!” (When she saw the shrug)

“Lizzy!” (When Lizzy asked if she liked it.)

“Lizzy!!!” (When Lizzy snuggled her cheek into the fur and said it was real)

“Lizzy!” (With a condemning and envious head shake as she ran her hand along the fur.)

I have often mentioned that I have a hard time imagining a girl young enough that I might have fathered her to be sexually attractive to me. It is an intellectual thing. My mind shuts down the primal reaction.

But, Lizzy in white mink? Primal has tied up intellectual in the basement and will let him out only after the orgy is over.

That is pretty sexist, misogynistic and a few other things, but it is what it is.

One of the biggest mistakes of modern society is that we try to ignore that we are animals at the top of the food chain, and there is primal baggage that comes with that rise to power.

We are a picky bunch of Omnivores. (Look it up.)

We need to accept that existence causes an even balance of pluses and minuses.

Quit hammering one group because the deaths they cause are not as bad as, in you opinion, the deaths you cause. (Deny that one all day if you like, if you’re being honest, you are agreeing. Disagreement only means you’re dumb.)

Keep in mind, as I say this, a waitress just brought me my ham and eggs.

Not the best choice for a strict vegetarian, but what are you gonna do?

 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Innocence and superiority

Declaration of innocence.

It seems that someone done forgot the Crow Commandments.

That line from the Wiz (Starring a yet to be indicted Michael Jackson) was the beginning of an amazing scene in a musical.

But it also could be a gentle reminder to sit still while someone explains the rules to you……AGAIN.

First of all, I am more innocent than most.

Think of the first snow of Winter, pure and delightful, and incredible.

I am all up in that kind of innocence.

Because to understand true innocence you have to understand the opposite end of the spectrum.

The further down one side you go, the further you can go down both sides.

So, having the ability to be stunningly vile is what enables me to be that fucking sweet and innocent.

Like a cuddly puppy that just might go for your throat at any moment.

But he is just so damned CUTE!

A pit bull with a spiked collar and a pink hair bow. (The imagery on that one is disturbing)

A test reader has proclaimed that the previous line might mean I am a little “sweet in the pants”, if that line makes sense.

Being metro-sexual is all part of my vegan-carnivore superiority.

Not everyone can handle that, and thats ok.

In the hierarchy of raw intelligence, the world needs ditch diggers too. (I respect that, but sit down kiddies, the adults are talking.)

Vegetarians cannot understand how I could be a better vegetarian than them, while still eating a diet that is based almost entirely on eating meat. (You can try to chew on the hypocrisy in that line, but take small bites and chew it well before you swallow. You will still choke but at least you made the effort.)

I had to stop writing for a moment to allow my erection to subside.

Brilliance is a goddam sexy thing to behold.

And this is the IMAX viewing.

Now, where was I?

Ah yes, my innocent nature.

Think of the blog as a deep method of intense meditation.

The more you read, the more you will find yourself growing as a person and an asshole.

A natural evolution that is totally based on Intelligent Design.

Homo-sapian to Homo-superior.

Or maybe Homo-sphincter.

(I take offense at the suggestion that the previous line is a smack at the gay community. The gays LOVE me. If you doubt that, wait till Tranny-Hooker makes an appearance. That girl will knock you on your ass, then you will be sorry!)

Yes, its crude. Yes, its childish.

But its an honest attempt to do something without pretense or facade.

Just the sincere attempt to be ridiculous.

And I think I succeeded.

The seriousness of the world we live in can chew you up and swallow you. (Spitting you out would be too kind for society. Pound of flesh is now a part of the Bill of Rights)

So, on the front lines of the battle between originality and soul-killing conformity is me, sporting a semi, sarcastic and loaded for bear.

If you feel like it, pull the stick out of your ass for an hour and lets stomp on the terra like Gods.

And if not? Short and simple,

Bite me. You’re boring.

(Microphone drop)

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Water will not kill you. (Most of the time.)

There is a certain vicious delight that runs thru me as I watch people freak out about the rain.

Its Southern California, so rain is like a unicorn with a drinking problem and a rage issue.

When it does show up, it will fly into a homicidal binder and does its best to kill you.

I am staring out the window at the rain.

The concept of a gentle drizzle is all but unknown in these parts.

Houses slide down the hillsides, mudslides and flashflood warnings take over the news like a natural disaster form of corporate take over.

Personally, I like it.

Not the horror, the rain.

I lived in Portland, OR for about 5 years and it rained for most of that time.

You get used to it.

You can always tell a tourist in Portland because they carry an umbrella.

Everyone who actually lives there just puts their hood up.

You live in a constant state of always being a little wet.

But you miss the sun.

To Portland, the sun is a lot like a deadbeat dad.

It shows up once in a great while, and never stays long enough to establish any warmth, but just enough to remind you of what’s missing and make you wonder what life would be like if it was around a lot more.

There is a puddle on the walkway leading into the Starbucks I am in.

The path dips in that spot and it has created a deceptively deep puddle, about 6 inches deep.

However, and this is the key point, it doesn’t LOOK deep at all.

So people keep stepping in it.

That is how pathetic my mind is, my amusement this morning centers around watching people freak out after stepping in a deceptively deep puddle.

Childish? Yes.

Mean? Possibly.

Awesome? Absolutely.

And people are different when it comes to the unintentional dunking of their stanky feet. (All feet are stanky with the exception of mine, my children (You should have smelled their baby feet!), and any woman I have given a foot rub to over the years. (Possibly the most erotic thing on the planet.)

The more manly a guy is, the more prissy and girly their response.

The guy is about 6’2, square jaw, man’s man.

Right foot, full immersion.

The screech was high pitched and easily heard thru the window.

He began high stepping with his hands flexing then tightening into fists, then flexing again.

Epic.

Next up, Yoga woman.

She is the epitome of the “New fitness” prototype.

Yoga pants, greatest creation of modern times when worn by the right woman.

Baggy yet frilly top that is supposed to be shapeless, yet points out that this woman is incredibly built.

Low rise snug ugg boots, a good look with this ensemble.

The hair is carefully arranged to look casual.

The overall effect is stunning.

Left foot, full immersion.

The cursing is deeper than expected and a lot filthier. (Uncomfortably masculine.)

She may have a penis, we have no way of knowing.

Gone is the serene facade and what is left is pissed off.

Wet ugg boots, can’t blame her. (If they are real lambs wool, they are going to stink later.)

The most surprising of the morning was the little old lady.

I saw her get out of her Oldsmobuick and heard towards the front door.

Peasant skirt, flats, blouse with a little rain coat plus umbrella.

I am out of my seat and just coming out of the front door to stop her when something interesting happened.

She jumped in the puddle.

Laughing.

I held the door for her as she went in.

Made my day.

 

 
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Posted by on January 8, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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People fear change for a reason.

First day of the 2016 and the blog is late.

Off to a great start.

Blame it on management.

They refuse to give me holiday pay and I don’t work for free.

There are two holes in that little plot line.

First of all, I am management.

Second of all, I do this for free. (Or at least for such a small amount that it qualifies for “Labor of love” status.)

I could play the sickness card, I have had one of the worse little bouts of sinus/asthma/respiratory sickness than I have had in over a decade.

Here is why that card can’t be played.

I don’t drive a bus for a living.

Blog writing can be done sitting up in bed. (I know this because many of them have been done in just that fashion.)

So what excuses are left?

I got nothing.

Default to Holiday laziness.

It was actually kind of nice to not have to go out for New Years eve for once.

I am getting too old for unrestricted partying.

Some of the greatest nights of my life have been on New Years.

Some of the worse as well.

Top 3 best:

  1. An Epic evening of trying to show a friend from out of state how awesome Southern California is. We went out, got in a fight, found a party at random, took over that party, drank all their liquor, fondled their women and existed a Gods for a small period of time. The friend referred to that as the greatest night ever.
  2. Asked a women to marry me and she said yes.
  3. Spent a scandalous evening having sex in a bed/jacuzzi/couch with an amazing woman that I broke up with soon after, but what a memory.

Top 3 worst:

  1. While drunk and belligerent, I was held by the police on unspecified charges in Hermosa Beach, CA.  I was released in time for breakfast without being given any specific reason why.
  2. I was given back an engagement ring on New Years.
  3. This one is tough to describe without discussing things I don’t discuss here. I had a moment of clarity on New Years Eve and realized that a major part of my life was ending and it was terrifying.

But it is 2016 now.

Lots of things will happen this year.

Both good and bad.

But what kind of year was 2015?

Brutal and Beautiful.

It started off brutal.

Jobs ended, relationships ended (Some abruptly), close relatives died.

And then it got better.

New activities happened, new jobs materialized, new relationships are in the works.

Should be a good year.

Right up until something decides to take a shit on the goodness.

Here is the difference between goodness and badness.

When things are good, the goodness does not seem to go after the badness.

When bad happens?

Its almost like revenge prison sex.

Like bad is taking something way too personally and is out to get goodness.

Should be an interesting year.

Despite my vicious and somewhat cruel nature, I wish you all well in this year.

As long as it does not get in the way of my own happiness.

Some of you get that, and some of you are convinced I am kidding.

Whatever works for you.

Take care, and if all hell breaks loose and you need help?

Don’t call me. (Unless you are a blood relative or at least married into the clan.)

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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