RSS

Monthly Archives: December 2015

Because it’s Christmas.

Today is Christmas.

And the day starts early.

I was raised in a family where the family businesses were a transmission repair and a burger place.

So, you either became a mechanic or a short order cook.

And while I can do more under the hood of a car than most, I am a shit mechanic.

Short order cook it is.

And here is why this has anything to do with Christmas morning.

I cook breakfast.

For all my bitter faults and shitty bully instincts, I am the shit with a skillet.

Breakfast is one of those special meals of the day.

Everybody likes breakfast and those that don’t are suspect in my book.

Hitler, Dahmer and Manson never ate/eat breakfast, thats a fact.

And all three were either vegetarians or vegans, so draw your own conclusions.

Bacon, breakfast is all about bacon.

Its kind of the linchpin that holds it all together.

Breakfast without bacon is just eggs without a purpose.

Bacon is what you add to other foods to make them better.

I have roughly 4 pounds of bacon to cook.

It is a heady thing to have a shit load of bacon within arms reach.

Its kind of like having a real pig without having to feed and care for it, just keep it refrigerated.

There was a movement on Facebook by Paul McCartney awhile back that was called Glass Walls, or something like that.

The whole thing was hinged on the idea that the only reason people eat meat is that they do not realize that the pig had to be slaughtered in order to get the bacon.

It turns out, that not only did that not matter to people, but they may have started eating more bacon because of it.

For every Glass Walls Facebook page that you saw, 3-4 Bacon support pages popped up.

But, even with my love of Bacon, I have gone vegetarian, almost vegan.

Except for the meat, cannot give up charred animal flesh no matter what I do.

There is a joy in this world that comes to my heart in a purely vicious way when I announce that I am vegetarian to other vegetarians.

And then I proclaim my love of meat and dislike of vegetables.

You drop that line and then wait.

You can see it in their eyes, percolating.

The gears are clearly turning as they try to process the information, the concept, of the meat eating vegetarian.

But that delay is not their fault, their brain is underfed and weak.

In the end, they usually just shake their heads and wander off.

The lack of rage inducing testosterone in their system makes them non-confontational.  

So the carnivores just run rough-shod, rampaging across the land.

As God intended.

Merry Christmas.

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Naughty or nice?

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)

Eat it, bitches.

That has always been one of those Proverbs that I am sure is directed at me.

Because while some will end up eating its fruit, I seem to binge a lot on it.

There has always been a certain amount of heretical flow to the blog that I have enjoyed.

Since I am the generator, editor, publisher and the only critic that is consulted, what I say goes.

I like that.

Despite my rotten bully demeanor, I do employ a certain level of fairness and morality to the process.

Basically, I am a good person, better than most and good to the poor.

My kids love me as do my parents and everyone tolerates my shit, which I am appreciative of.

And I just upped my game.

On my road to moral superiority, I have made the decision to become a vegetarian.

Murder is murder, people, no getting around that.

I will not eat seafood or shellfish, they are living beings and deserve respect.

Chicken is delicious and I tend to eat a LOT.

Cannot turn down beef, no matter how hard I try.

And I LOVE pork!

In fact, I do not really care for most vegetables.

This may seem like odd statements coming from a dedicated vegetarian.

However, I have always thought that maybe chickens, cows and pigs were criminals in their past lives and this is some sort of karmic justice.

Who am I to fight the system?

Since I started being a better person, I find myself noticing the sad failings of those around me.

Like at the Toyota dealership.

Total discrimination.

I asked to test drive a Prius and they told me that being Hetero, I am not allowed.

So unfair, I am the victim in this.

But I am not bitter. (HA!)

Ok, that one was stupid, but a little funny.

You take what you can get around the holidays.

Speaking of the holidays, I was just talking to one of those delusional people that grew up in Southern California, raised in the sunshine, but now lives in one of those GODAWFUL frozen places that gets too friggin cold breathe and they spend all of their time trying to convince others that still live in paradise that the frozen place doesn’t suck.

Yes it does, it sucks a lot.

Moving on, I realize that I am running out of people to piss off.

And yet, no matter how many I piss off, you will all forgive me, no matter how mad you are.

Tis the season, and all that.

Without warning, your overly twisted panties will suddenly untwist, the planets will align and a sincere love of all things bitter will wash over you like sunshine on a cold day.

You will begin to see life thru bitter colored glasses and wonder what your whiny problem was in the first place.

Perhaps you will find yourself running down the street waving at passersby.

“Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!”

And almost unnoticed, a bell rings softly.

And a bitter blogger will get his wings.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Tis the season…

Its the holiday season and much is afoot.

People have been gearing up for commercial blockbuster of Xmas since before Thanksgiving.

However, many of the retailers are carefully avoiding using the word Xmas. They have been carefully told that it will offend people.

But, and I have asked more than 5 people who would be offended if they could be offended, and they could not give a shit about it.

A Muslim friend said he thought it was nice, that the sentiment was appreciated.

A Jewish friend lamented the fact that he doesn’t get Xmas gifts because he is Jewish, and he has a tree and everything.

A transgender friend seemed confused with the question and then showed me his(Her?) Facebook pic of his tree. Hours went into this gaudy nightmare. (I was called an anti-Xmas prick for that comment. I am a male by birth but I identify as an asshole.)

A homeless guy outside 7-11, (He identifies as smelly) ignored the question and told me a story about how he needs money to take a bus to his mom’s house. Seeing as how he appeared to be in his 60’s, I found his story improbable. I gave him a dollar anyway, its Xmas.

So, it turns out that the only people who are offended with the word Christmas are the same self-hating, uptight sphincters that would get their panties in a twist about anything and everything.

And since everything offends them, fuck em, lost cause trying to cater to those tards.

So I will make it my goal to truly offend people this year, just for the sake of the holiday spirits.

Malloy, my associate blogger, when I mentioned I had nothing for a blog this week, suggested that since people are stressed for the holidays, keep it light.

Here is why I not only can’t do that, but flat out won’t do that:

Because you didn’t come here to meditate.

This is not a blog about animal rescue or yoga.

This is a vulgar little blog that uses sarcasm like a heroin addict uses a needle to try and get you to shoot coffee out of your nose, once a week.

With that in mind, here are three filthy jokes:

  1. 2 flies land on a piece of shit. One fly farts loudly. The other fly says, “Do you mind? I’m trying to eat here!” (Ok, not sex filthy, but filthy.)
  2. A beautiful woman in a real mink coat is approached by an animal rights person. “Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?” The beautiful woman replies, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?” (Legitimately filthy, hope it pissed someone off.)
  3. What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. (One of those ones that most ladies and gentlemen laugh at, but a few of both genders will go “Ewwww”.)

When you get down to it, the holidays are about family, faith, commercialism, drama, financial woes and drinking.

You can try to argue any parts of that you wish, but each and every one of those are valid, so you are wasting your time.

I will spend as much time this Xmas as I can with family, I will watch my mouth and be nicer than usual.

I will probably have a cocktail or two, at which point I will have no control over my mouth, which will create drama.

I will worry about money for gifts, worry about this years taxes, looming in the distance. I will buy items and help the economy. I will buy from small businesses and big alike. The really dumb meme online that says “When you buy from a small business, you are helping someone pay for their daughter’s dance lessons and not some CEO’s 3rd house. First of all, your daughter is not that talented and dance lessons are NOT going to help. Second of all, who the fuck do you think works for big companies? There is a crap load of delusional parents with clumsy daughters working for big business.

I will get to church at some point before Xmas day. If any atheists are offended by my mentioning church, bite me. There is a God and I can prove it. Go to BestBuy and check out a new Chromebook. That kind of perfection does not just happen, brother.

Xmas is that time of the year that we kind of admit that we are shitty people who try to be a little better for the holidays.

Its like an adult “Elf on the Shelf” that keeps us in line, take away that and we are in trouble.

So, here is the game plan:

Be a little nicer.

Don’t over spend.

Don’t be a cheap asshole.

Avoid the drama.

Do something nice you would not normally do for a total stranger, but tell no one.

Fact check anything you want to share on Facebook.

Do NOT get caught drinking at work, you need that job.

Have fun.

Be good.

 

Tis the season…

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Don’t be showing your koochie in public.

There is a special bond between two people that grew up together.

Time doesn’t touch some friendships. They just endure and continue on as if nothing happened and no time has passed.

Here is what I am looking at.

Picture two girls, either late teens or early twenties.

Judging by their conversation, they grew up together, but have not been in touch for a number of years.

And life has led them down different paths.

They say you can’t judge someone based on their looks.

Bullshit.

I don’t need to walk a mile in your Nike’s just to figure out that they would never fit me.

I would much rather sit in morally superior tower and cast judgement on others.

Here is why.

The first girl, she is the good girl next door.

Clean cut, smelling of Ivory soap and with freshly brushed teeth that once had braces.

She is a law student by my guess. Innocently studying to lose her soul and become the embodiment of badness in the business law.

If you are a guy, your mother would have been thrilled if you brought her home from college for Thanksgiving dinner. (Or a girl for that matter. She is that wholesome.)

If you are a girl, (Straight girl), your mom would prefer that you hang out with her because she is a “Good influence”.

So do we all understand that she is the essence of “Sweetness and Light” in this little scenario?

Good.

Now we move on to her friend.

Ok.

So, go live the life you want to live, but if you look like, talk like, act like, behave like, and generally are, in fact a ho…

Then you’s a ho.

Opposite end of the spectrum time.

Let’s call her Babs.

Babs is a little chunky, got some pasty looking legs, but that is not stopping her from wearing a minidress that is high enough to shock her OB Gyn and tight enough to threaten circulation if she washes it just once.

There are some faded bruises on her thighs. And we are not speculating where they came from, just noting that they are there.

She is missing a tooth near the front that brings Meth into the equation.

There is some bags under those eyes that are there a decade or more ahead of schedule.

It would not shock me to find a tattoo on her lower back, right under the tramp stamp that you KNOW is there, that says “Property of Hell’s Angels”

You can google that one and still may not find out how you get that little tattoo. (I was told by a girl who had one right before I grabbed my clothes and backed slowly out of the room naked.)

So Babs has been road hard and put away wet, just to use some equestrian verbiage there.

Life has been tough and some bad decisions have been made.

But the good girl and the bad girl are now catching up on things.

School, jail, relatives, deaths, and what not.

And the good girl is managing to keep her flinching to a minimum.

And the bad girl is managing not to tweak too much.

And while they seem to be getting along, that is a long latte to get thru.

But they finished and parted ways after a little while.

Someone had to go study and someone else had to go handle some “Bidness”.

And life goes on.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,