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Bitchzilla

04 Sep

Nicolaus Copernicus was a mathematician and astronomer born in the late 1400’s, and was the first to posit the idea that the planets revolved around the sun. (Theres more to it, but thats basically it. And you should see the Wikipedia pic of him. He looks like a fuglier version of Ringo Starr.)

It was game changing for the scientific community.  

It was an obvious, basic truth that no one saw until he said it, one of those things you can’t unknow.

So why the Astronomy lesson today?

Because I would like to put forth my own theory, based on that same idea of Heliocentricity. (Remember that whole Sun thing?)

I call it iPhonecentricity. It is the theory that all life revolves around the iPhone.

Not mine, I turned mine in and went Android a few months back.

I mean hers.

Bitchzilla.

Bitchzilla isn’t a who as much as she is a what. Like some sort of sci fi monster of the mental/verbal realm, she is stomping all over the tranquility of the room. (Its a stretch, but it made me laugh and I am king here.)

She is a female, I am fairly certain of that. (There are breasts in evidence under her business suit with conservative skirt. However, she could be pulling a Bruce Jenner, “Call me, Caitlin.” Side note – Get your nuts wacked and I will.)

The Universe and all things in it, revolve around Bitchzilla’s iPhone 6 Plus.

I have been in line for a few minutes at Starbucks and I have so far heard Bitchzilla mention her iPhone 6 Plus 3 times.

She is on Bluetooth with someone who is somehow not having a stroke due to the verbal strobe of this woman’s screechy voice.

She also seems to be texting.

And she is switching screens to play Words with Friends.

And to hear her tell it? She is brilliant for having it.

(You didn’t invent it, you dizzy dumbass, you just paid too much for it. There IS a difference.)

I got my coffee and decided that with all the cycling I do, my heart could handle sitting next to Bitchzilla without risking permanent damage.

The nice thing about the iPhone 6 Plus is that the screen is big enough for me to see from 3 feet away.

Her words with friends game is not going well. Her opponent has 655 points, she has 52.

That was not a typo.

She is the queen of the 2 letter play.

No brains, no headaches.

By the way, she could take a hammer and smash the screen on purpose, ON PURPOSE and they will replace it, because she paid extra. (I only said on purpose twice, she said it 3 times.)

Her coffee drink looks like it has gone cold without a sip out of it.

I have seen meth addicts with better control.

Her digital crack is going to be the death of her.

She is totally the lady on the news that was texting while driving, didn’t look out the window for a 5 minute period because she had a badass 3 letter word to play on WWF and plows into a crowd of cancer victims.

And before you tsk tsk me, remember that more than half of you nodded your heads at that line before you chucked that rock of condemnation at my glass house.

So we’re all going to hell together, but my conscience will be clear.

And Bitchzilla will be at the head of that line.

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Posted by on September 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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