“TWO HOUSEHOLDS, both alike in dignity,
In fair Starbucks, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes barrista hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,
A pair of star-cross’d barristas risk their jobs”
Something like that.
Tears in my eyes as I write this. Its so touching, so beautiful and yet, doomed to failure.
I see them in the distance, a couple, late 20’s, beach people, holding each other, middle of the block.
Its a lovely scene.
And then I get closer.
And I see their shirts.
“Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf” (Think Capulet)
“Starbucks” (See also Montague.)
Barristas from opposing houses.
Doomed to a love that is forbidden.
I pass them and they are silent, no doubt the pain of their situation has driven them to silence.
Or, he was talking dirty and didn’t want me to hear, either one.
Eventually, as the story goes, the manager of Starbucks will find out and threaten to fire the barrista, and then someone get killed in a duel and then some of your better catch phrases happen.
“A plague on BOTH your lattes!”
And then, in the end, She will quit her job, planning to apply at Starbucks to be with him.
But, he doesn’t know that, so he will quit his job, thinking to work at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.
So he is heading up the street to Coffee bean, and she is heading down the street to Starbucks.
And then they see each other, and they both realize what happened.
BUT THAT IS NOT THE DEATH SCENE!
That happens when they go across the street and get jobs at Peets Coffee.
A seedy little coffee house of ill repute, inhabited by questionable reprobates like soccer moms and real estate agents.
THIS IS THE SUICIDE SCENE!
Yup, working at Peets is pure resume suicide.
No one in the history of the world has EVER read a resume and said, “Oh, you worked at Peets coffee, great!”
Its a resume stain for the service industry much like a dose of the clap, but harder to get rid of.
And I still cannot prove that their coffee is not heavily tea-bagged in the back room. (There is this flavor in the coffee, you know?)
So what is the moral of this tragic tale?
There are several.
- Peets Coffee is made by seedy unsupervised perverts.
- Starbucks and Coffee Bean coffees do NOT have plague virus in them. (Shout out to their lawyers. Please don’t hur my family.)
- When you are dealing with insomnia, haven’t slept more than 4 hours in 3 days and decide to watch the 1996 version of Romeo & Juliet (Leonardo Di Caprio and Clare Danes), do not, repeat, DO NOT, write a blog in the wee hours of the morning.
Because who knows what kind of shit you are going to put on the page.