Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself…
What the hell is wrong with people?
Today is a day filled with bad pick up lines.
The first one of the day caught me unaware, like a crisp slap across the face.
“A woman like you can stop a man in his tracks!”
This was said to a beautiful business blonde in a tailored suit.
This is a woman truly worth hitting on, and it was actually a decent pick up line.
So why didn’t it work?
I hate to be superficial, but the man who said it had no teeth.
The overwhelming stench of BO and urine did not help, I’m sure.
This woman was a rising star of the business world, you could tell from her demeanor.
If she hooked up with a homeless guy, in a classic “Differing class forbidden romance”, she would be ostracized.
The heart may want what it wants, but even the heart has to have some sort of sense, even if its not a sense of smell.
Plus, he would be hard to explain at parties.
Because nothing kills a young rising star in the business world like having to explain why your boyfriend is performing oral sex in the kitchen during a 4th quarter kick off party at the boss’s house.
But alas, our star crossed and pharmaceutically challenged lovers were destined never to be together.
She needed to get to work and he needed to go get high.
Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
In a dead language that is inflicted on high school students like the clap, that phrase means The Glory of Man is Fleeting.
A loose interpretation could be to live for today.
Few people embrace old ideas like this.
They could throw caution to the wind and spend the next hour in the vacant lot nearby, seeing if the business woman’s shoes match the sky. (Wait for it, wait for it, BAM! You got it.)
But the fates are not kind to toothless men and fools.
To bad fate can’t get the homeless guy in a headlock and give him a quick shower, a flea dip and a serious delousing.
And pass the hat to get him a set of choppers.
Now, I told you that story to tell you this story.
I gave a homeless woman a 5 spot.
Not my usual thing, I know, I was shocked too.
But I spent my entire early morning chuckling about my evil observations about the big business/homeless Romeo and Juliet.
And it put me into one of those odd states of mind that I try to avoid when I am being vile.
It put me in a good mood.
And thats when she came rolling up.
The oldest 30 year old you have ever seen.
Life has regularly dragged this little honey out and beat her ass.
Well over several hundred thousand miles on this model, and those are all city miles.
There are missing teeth, but she was not so far gone that she had forgotten that.
“Got a dollar? Dollar for some food?” Almost like a chant, like she can’t even hear it herself.
My answer came out of my mouth from pure reflex.
“Don’t have any, sorry.” Cold, monotone, no eye contact. Cold son of a bitch.
She moved on.
And I felt bad.
It was a Grinch kind of moment and Whoville just started singing.
I reached into my wallet and pulled out the first bill my fingers found.
Here is how out of character this is for me.
I am cheap, not a cool thing to admit, but there it is.
I had one of just about every bill you can have in America with the exception of the $100 bill.
“Forgot I brought my wallet, take care.”
I noticed as she took the bill that it was a 5.
I was happy it was not a 20 or a 50.
Mainly because it was the kind of moment that I would have let her have it, either way.
She stopped in place when she recognized the denomination.
Watching a meth head step out of their life and tear up at simply getting $5 is a emotionally surreal thing.
This is not a life changing event, but it did touch me.
In the good way.
St. Bittermac wishes you all a good day.