Its not often, but sometimes, when I least expect it, I instinctively hate people.
Case in point, I am in Starbucks, its not my favorite one, but its still a Starbucks.
For those of you that pay attention, its the “Icebox”, so named because the temperature is always at 60 degrees, Winter or Summer.
I used to think this was a bad idea, then I realized that on those days that I am there for an hour or more, I buy more coffee to keep me warm.
Maybe the manager is a genius.
And in she walks.
Something about her screams “Bitch”, loud and clear.
Of course she is on her cell phone, what else would she be doing?
And maybe it is just because I didn’t like her from the beginning, but I swear that the people around her moved just a touch more away from her than you would normally.
Maybe its an unconscious thing, just some sort of evil presence, like a low level fart in an elevator that you don’t know who did it, but you know it wasn’t you.
Anyway, she gets thru the line, gets a spinach quiche. (Red flag – Spinach quiche is the food of choice of pedophiles, serial killers and overly monied coffee hoes.)
Her drink, when it came, had a lot of foam, another red flag but I’m gonna let that go.
As luck would NOT have it, she sat at the seat next to me.
Conversation still going on.
Here are the highlight quotes.
- “Marshal is having problems at school, he failed a test and the teacher is being a bitch about it. I told him he could stay home this week and calm down.” (My comment is to fucking long to put here, so its below.)
- “Jack is still arguing about the alimony, I mean, I gave that asshole my life, and thats going to cost him.” (Lesson learned boys, some people, not all, just some people, when they are flat on their backs the meter is running. Talk amongst yourselves.)
- The car is still not running right. Every time I put it in gear, I have to let off on the gas COMPLETELY. (You mean revving it and dumping it into gear is NOT good for the tranny?)
It was the Polish astronomer Copernicus who first offered the model of the universe that had the Sun at its core and not the Earth.
And it was the shithead sucking down a frappuccino sitting next to me that first offered the model of the universe that had Marshal at its core.
That means the center of the universe was somewhere local, still in his pj’s during mid morning and crying like a pussy.
For a long moment I was outraged.
We are currently raising a generation of kids that are being taught that, God forbid they ever encounter a problem, the only proper response is to freeze in place and over analyze it until someone comes along and either solves it for them, or it goes away on its own.
That was a shitty long moment.
The highlight was when I made her leave.
Its called the creep move.
It is a beautiful study in low level emotional intimidation.
I began to furiously scratch my armpit, the one closer to her.
I grunted slightly.
Once I could see her staring, I stopped scratching and smelled my fingers.
Wait for it……..
I scooted a half an inch towards her.
Then I turned my head, locked eyes, and smiled.
If you have ever seen someone fleeing a burning building, that is a lot like how she left.
Hung up her phone, stood and stomped her little feet out of Starbucks.
Even left her coffee creation behind.
I would feel bad, but, after all…
I didn’t like her to begin with.