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When it all goes wrong

30 Jan

Yoga pants are the Almighty’s gift to men everywhere.

Done right, yoga pants can cure erectile dysfunction in a New York minute.

A prime example of this is in front of me in line at Starbucks at this moment.

I have never been an ass man, but I would love to introduce myself to this one.

“Hello, my name is Bitter and I would love to wear your ass like a hat.”  (Nod to City Slickers there.)

Done wrong, it is a sad and discouraging thing to see.

That is standing in front of me as well.

Like 5 pounds of jelly in a stretchy 3 pound bag.

They are together, yoga friends, no doubt.

They are chatting amiably.

Like some sort of masturbatory before/after picture that you HOPE has been photoshopped.

What truly sucks is that there is no way to separate one from the other in my head now.

Kills the fantasy.

In my fantasies, there is never a wingman to distract the nasty friend, I prefer a closed set.

So now my head is just sewered for the rest of the day, trying to figure it out.

(I deleted about 300 words of disturbing sexual fantasy description here. It started to get a little creepy. Suffice to say that the nasty friend ruins the fantasy and I can’t get past it.)

And now we know where erectile dysfunction comes from, bad yoga pants choices.

Glad we cleared that up.

On to new business.

Its the end of January and I am about to lose a friend.

My Starbucks mug I received at Xmas that gets free coffee refills for the month of January will soon be dead in the water, no more refills.

Sad, like the death of a beloved character from my youth.

I remember the beginning of the month, we were so damned young.

They were good days, the “salad days” if you will.

The free refills seemed like they would go on forever.

We were so in love.

We would always be together.

And now, with the end of the month looming, things are getting tense.

The coffee today is not as hot and has a little bit of bitterness to it.

I will drink the coffee, go thru the motions like some sort of caffeinated automaton.

But my heart is not in it.

We are like familiar strangers.

I will miss you, holiday mug.

We will still be friends.

Nodding at each other when we meet in the kitchen, when I open up the coffee mug cupboard to get a cup, I will see you, dusty on your shelf.

But lets not let it get weird, ok?

I mean, we have had some good times, we can still have some coffee sometimes.

It doesn’t have to get weird.

Sure, lets do that, lets make a date and go have some java, like old times.

Sigh.

Its weird, isn’t it?

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1 Comment

Posted by on January 30, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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One response to “When it all goes wrong

  1. Kevin

    February 4, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    This is post is so wrong and so right at the same time. I love yoga pants…and free coffee holiday mugs. I almost cried thinking of your lost of free coffee. But then I realize I don’t have feelings and yoga pants are usually a good thing. Thanks for a fun post!

     

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