There are times I enjoy flying and times that I am in the 9th circle of hell, thinly disguised as United airlines.
And the reason is, there is an excellent chance that, at any given moment, you could be fucked with by the airlines, the government or other people, often without warning.
It begins subtly, you almost don’t notice it.
The car in front of you at the airport parking garage stalls as they are getting their ticket to raise the gate.
That takes minutes.
While this is going on, the next lane over admits 15+ vehicles and you don’t have the option of backing up.
You have just had your first slice of “Being fucked with” pie.
Save room, there’s more.
The airport is all about lines. The line at the elevator is more of a mob.
And if you have not been trapped in a metal box on a hot summer day, you are missing out.
Would it KILL people to bath and use some deodorant?
And someone either farted or shit themselves somewhere between the s2nd and 3rd floor.
I remember because it was right after the Chinese woman got on at the 3rd floor with what smelled like dead fish in her bag.
Finally, the doors opened and we began shuffling out.
And we are so conditioned to being contained and shuttled thru shoots, its a lot like being human cattle.
If the English ever invade and start rounding up the Irish to put into prison colonies, they can pull it off if they involve elevators. (And this is their vile plan, according to my great grandma. She told me after her nurse left the room. I was 5, still makes sense today.)
And then we get to the crosswalk.
The crosswalk is being manned by the most heavily armed crossing guard I have ever seen.
Here is the weird part.
The airport has its own police.
That makes perfect sense, we live in a dangerous world, and terrorists seem to have a hard on for The USA and airplanes.
But, and this is where my head stops in place, why would your entire police force be old fat guys?
I did a quick study on the hiring requirements to become an airport cop.
Its the same as regular cops.
Anyway, I was waved across the street by a morbidly obese man with a gun and a belly the size of a yoga workout ball.
Inside the terminal, the fun and games continue.
The cattle lines are longer, the tempers are shorter and the base intelligence scores are dropping fast. Its a grim room here, people.
The woman in front of me is losing her fucking mind.
Evidently, her flight leaves in ten minutes.
She is on the phone, complaining to someone who gives a shit. (I know its not me)
Here is the situation:
It seems that she was going to leave for the airport an hour ahead of time. (The airport recommends getting here 2 hours ahead of time. )
But, the cats were being so playful. (Personally, I hate cats)
And traffic sucked. (This is Los Angeles, there isn’t a time when traffic DOESN’T suck.)
And there is a line. (This is an airport, you tard. Of course there is a line.)
Now, by my figuring, and I realize that my not having a degree in physics or higher math I could be wrong, but with 10 people in front of her, there is no way this chick is going to make her flight.
And evidently, this is my problem.
“This is ridiculous, right?” She has pulled the phone away from her head and is talking to me.
“I hate cats.” You may think that is a shitty thing for me to say. It is, but when she realized that I am not who she wants to look for agreement with, she turned her back and continued her phone conversation.
The really shitty thing to say was to stare at her back and, in a creepy monotone voice, tell the story of how I accidentally ate cat once in Mexico and ended up chasing a lying burrito vendor thru the alleys of Tiajuana with a couple of friends, trying to kick his ass for selling us cat.
The moral of the story is that cat is fairly delicious.
I know, it fucks with me too and its been 25 years.
Anyway, of the 3 agents at the counter, cat lady is at agent #1.
Agent #2 has an Asian couple in their 50’s that are pissed and have been there since I came thru the door.
And their problem is bags.
They have a lot of them.
United Airlines has a baggage policy that was written by either the Bavarian Illuminatus or expatriot Nazi’s.
!st checked bag ? $25. 2nd bag? $35. 3rd and on? $125 a piece.
Thats not a typo. $125
And the couple has a total of 14 bags.
And this is not an International flight, they are going to Portland.
Here is the cost breakdown.
They each get 1 $25 bag and 1 $35 bag. $120 spent and 4 bags down.
The remaining 10? $1250.
And I happen to know that round trip tickets to Portland are around $200.
And the couple’s logic is that if they keep yelling, eventually the airline will cave and ship their luggage for free.
Which will never happen, by the way.
The airlines will do everything but give away money.
They are just like us.
Nobody, with the exception of Mother Theresa, does what they do for a living out of love.
You do it for money or recognition.
I get that and have embraced it more than most.
I moved on from Mercenary to whore a long time ago.
Anything else that went on with the Asian couple was lost as I left agent #3 and headed to my gate.
I am early. Perhaps a beverage at yon tavern.