Monthly Archives: January 2014

Don’t take this personal, but I hate your kids.

I hate your kids, you know who I mean.

And just a tip? If I am in line at Panera Bakery, trying to think of something to write about, don’t show your ass with your rotten little progeny right in front of me.

I think it was when the 5 year old shouted “NO!” and slapped mom across the face the first time that I began paying attention.

The little girl has wild hair to the middle of her back and a set of lungs when she wants them.

Screaming and beating on the bakery case window is what got mom to drop to one knee and begin talking low to the child.

And thats when little missy decided she’d had enough of mom’s shit.

Whack! Take that bitch!

And here is the interesting part, mom was not shocked.

Let me roll that one past you again, MOM. WAS. NOT. SHOCKED.

All told, mom got smacked a total of 3 times.

Twice in line and once at the table.

I have a lot wrong with this.

First of all is the fact that mom is a fucking moron and should never have allowed that chubby little hand to land.

It sets a precedent and somewhat empowers the little monster to do it again when she gets the chance.

Plus the fact that dodging a hit from a 5 year old doesn’t require cat-like reflexes.

Had I tried that kind of mini assault on my mother growing up, she would have torn that arm from my torso and beaten me half to death with it.

And I would have had it coming.

In this instance, mom has it coming.

I am not really going out on a limb here when I suppose that this rotten little beast has no boundaries at home.

So, if the first time she has any sort of a leash put on her is when she is in school or a restaurant, we are all subjected to the thoroughly ineffective parenting of Mr. And Mrs. Dipshit foisted upon us in the form of Little Miss Dipshit.

Lucky us.

I have always been of the opinion that my children (And a select few others) are basically the only pretty and intelligent kids out there, and this dysfunctional group is only proving my point.

My son and daughter set the loose cannon bar as kids, (Nowhere near as bad as me) but I would never hesitate to take them anywhere.

Because they had boundaries.

Boundaries are the negative buzzword among what passes for the modern day, “Dr. Spock” parents.

Don’t tell your child no, avoid anything unpleasant as a result of their behavior, and GOD FORBID you smack that rotten little bitch on her backside for giving mommy a little tune up on the side of her face.

Someone needs to take mom aside, smack her hand, hard, tell her “No!” and when she opens her mouth to protest, take two fingers that tap her on the lips. “Shut your mouth! Go to your room!”

Sometimes modern thought and theories suck huge balls and old school is not only wise, its effective.

Applesauce, bitch.

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Posted by on January 6, 2014 in Uncategorized


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You want a piece of me?

Its a new year.

That is not necessarily a good thing, by the way.

January 1st is never the greatest of days for those who partied the night before.

Hangovers are a bitch.

And then there is that whole “Gotta remember to write “2014” on everything.

I usually end up throwing away about a dozen checks every January and February like clockwork.

I try, but it is the same every year.

Like a numerical form of Alzheimer’s, I will write the wrong date in a daze.

And then tear it up.

Luckily, the bank, like all good crack dealers, will gladly facilitate my getting more checks.

I got a 40 word text message from a friend of mine at a quarter to midnight, new years eve.

If you remove the F-word, there were only 15 words in the text.

Ah, the joys of having severely drunk friends on the one night of the year I refuse to drink.

And not because I have some sort of moral objection.

But, as we all know, I view others as toys, to be screwed with as the mood hits me.

I have a friend that claims its a sociopath’s view of things.

Lets not get ahead of ourselves.

I am writing this on Friday, 2 days after New Years.

The weather is going to be in the mid 70’s today.

Winter, in Southern California.

Michigan state has been in town for the Rose Bowl for the last few days.

And now, they are going back to their snowy hinterlands.

Good for them, they have my condolences.

They are more that welcome to the shitty land they live in.

There is something seriously wrong with anyone who live in a place so cold you are literally afraid to go outside.

People die there every winter.

However, I am a product of growing up in Southern California.

Its always fairly nice here.

That might explain why the rents are what they are.

What are you gonna do?

I have gotten email about my arrogance about Southern California.

I find that fascinating that with all thats going on in the world, anyone would give a crap about my opinion about anything.

Maybe my comments about Egypt were a bit much, I am willing to admit that.

“Even if they win their country, its still a shitty desert.”

A little harsh, even for me.

I have said worse, trust me.

My somewhat brutal witnessing of people behaving badly has gathered some pretty awesome comments that really hit on the high side of crude, rude and obscene on more than a few occasions.

So be it.

It may be an old saying and a tradition that you don’t shoot the messenger, but traditions are broken all the time.

And maybe the saying came about because too many messengers were getting killed.

And I get that.

There is a price for everything.

And if somebody is really looking for me to settle up over something rude, you know where to find me.

I am the short chubby guy sitting at the round table in the back of Starbucks.

Which one?

Maybe all of them.

Watch your shit, cause you know I will.

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Posted by on January 3, 2014 in Uncategorized


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