Monthly Archives: December 2013

No shooting till I get my coffee.

“I paid for that fucking cup, and I can have whatever I want in my cup, bitch!”

Ok, so I added the “bitch” part, but I really feel like it was implied.

I am not sure if the guy who is hassling the cashier at this particular Starbucks is homeless, but I am sure he is drunk.

And so does the cop sitting in the back.

You can tell by the seated body language.

A little bit of tension that was not there before, right hand unconsciously moves closer to the holstered side arm.

I suddenly became interested in something a foot further back in the cooler case, this puts me further away from the drunk and more importantly, out of the line of fire if the officer “handles” it.

It seems the issue the drunk has his smelly panties in a twist over is that, since he bought a $2 cup of house drink, he can drink half of that, then demand that they refill it with a cappuccino.

It doesn’t work that way.

Thats like Ordering a hamburger, eating have and telling them to give you a hotdog because you bought the wrapper.

“Personally, I hate cappuccino.”

Enter the policeman, big smile on his face, confusing opener.

This guy is a pro.

While gun play or a dive tackle would have made the morning a WHOLE lot more exciting, I am satisfied with the officer walking the drunk off.

You see, I haven’t gotten my coffee yet and mayhem would delay getting it.

And I just can’t have that.

The java monkey is an impatient mistress.

The drunk and the cop are sitting at a small table, chatting amiably.

The manager has sent over a cappuccino, free of charge.

Isn’t that just so FUCKING cute?

I hate the holidays.

If Thanksgiving was not last week, they’d be cleaning up the blood at this point.

I finally get my coffee properly creamed and sugared and I begin to feel better about all this.

Maybe its ok that the cop didn’t come on like a shark with blood in the water.

Lack of caffeine does that to me.

Five minutes later, I am in a different place, physically and java-wise.

I have decided to enjoy my coffee at the beach.

The air is crisp and cold, but the rising sun is warm.

Winter in Southern California.

Winter here is different than anywhere else.

Most people have winter’s that kill the unprepared.

Worst case scenario here?

You are temporarily cold and/or wet.

But never for long.

Winter is a slightly cooler summer with a less rare chance of rain.

And we like it that way.

Property values in Southern California are sky high and rents are never cheap.

Mornings like this are why that is.

It would be perfect if, while sipping my coffee and staring out at the ocean, if a pod of dolphins were to swim by, a flying V of geese were to fly by, something.

Instead a seagull shit on the railing and the spatter got on my arm.

Nature is vicious at times.

At least the coffee is hot.

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Posted by on December 6, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Stay naked and shop.

Anatomy of a glitch.

I wrote this part and put it at the top of what I had wrote previously.

I was unable to post this blog yesterday due to a setting that I mistakenly toggled.

Human error, the software is not at fault.

To those who were bummed about nothing being there yesterday, whether you commented on FB or emailed, sorry.

Some of them were a little pissy. you nailed it. I don’t care. I am a misogynistic bastard and I just don’t care.

(We exchanged a series of angry emails yesterday. Mainly because of my use of the C word in my first reply. Childish, but I hadn’t had coffee yet.)

Anyway, here is yesterdays post, a day late.


Cyber Monday is looming tomorrow, and it is looking like this one will be the biggest one ever.

Fact is, people like to shop online.

Its getting wildly more popular.

Anytime you can get your shopping done for the holidays while wearing your underwear and not leaving the house, its bound to catch on.

Black Friday is the retarded hunchback of the shopping season, hideous to look at or deal with, but what else is there?

Cyber Monday. announced awhile back that sales of ebooks had surpassed sales of printed books.

Only a matter of time.

I decided not to even try to brave the Black Friday crowds this year.

Just don’t have it in me.

Its like facing a hoard of shopping zombies in an effort to get a low cost LCD tv.

I would like to go on record as saying that I am not an avid fan of the Walking Dead show.

I watched the first season and loved it.

But its on on the wrong night for me.

But I get the concept.

The first rule of zombies is, avoid them at all costs.

Cyber Monday it is.

Add to that my membership in Amazon Prime for the free 2nd Day Air shipping of a HUGE amount of stuff on and you can understand why I like Monday over Friday.

Technically shopping in your underwear at Macy’s would be more fun, but you get my point.

Off on a tangent now.

That would be an interesting spectacle.

Strip down in the parking lot, timing it so that the mall security had just made their rounds on their little 3 wheeled Segwey knock off.

Head on in thru the main glass doors, heads whipping around, keep moving.

Black Friday crowds are agressive, but its a human instinct to avoid a naked man in public, the crowds will part.

Head to the jewelry counter.

There will be a spot at the counter, rest assured, just push your way in and when anyone turns to complain, they will sidle away at one look.

The clerk will show you whatever you want in a daze.

If you are fast, you can make a purchase and move on before management shows.

However, if they do, here is the move.

“Excuse me, you can’t be in here like that!” Is the standard move, said just loud enough to be firm, without alerting other customers.

Can’t hurt sales.

Your reply has to be quick, loud and on the verge of hysteria.


Management has a strict “Hands off” policy about crazy.

But at that point, you have to deal with mall security and then the police.

And thats no fun.

Better to stay naked at home.

Happy holidays.

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Posted by on December 3, 2013 in Uncategorized


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