Hell smells like BO and urine.

07 Oct

Would it kill people to fucking bath?

The trains in Los Angeles were laid out like a madman’s maze.

I lived in Portland for a few years, and the trains and buses mesh like a well choreographed dance.

You can get anywhere in Portland Metropolitan area in 45 minutes or less.

Los Angeles? Funny.

You can be waiting 45 minutes for the bus or train here.

But thats not the worst part.

I am going to an event in Downtown LA and didn’t want to drive.

So I figured, ”Why not take the train?”

Anatomy of a mistake.

So, I waited 30 minutes for a train that is supposedly running every 15 minutes.

Don’t do the math, it’ll make your head hurt.

So, the first train was a 20 minute ride.

The woman next to me had BO like nobodies business.

Except that, since our shoulders were touching, it was my business.

I broke my nose years ago and cannot smell things unless they are pretty strong.

But I had no problem sniffing this lady.

It was a long 20 minutes.

I waited another 20 minutes for that same “Every 15 minutes” train.

Standing room only.

The guy standing in front of me, and I think the guy to my right, both looked homeless and smelled strongly of urine.

Lucky me.

My only thought was that karma must have had enough of my mouth and decided that it was time for a little payback.

This was the long ride. 30 minutes.

Supposedly 20 minutes, but an extra 10 was thrown in when the handcapped guy managed to get his wheel caught up in the 4 inch gap between train and platform.

Luckily, his chair was mostly on the train, so the door couldn’t close.

I got the feeling if the door had closed, the train would have rolled off with him being ground up.

Instead, we had the driver, me and a few others, trying to unstick his wheels.

What did not help was that the guy was crazy and convinced we were mugging him.

He stank too. Beer, BO and urine.

The trifecta of nasty.

The third train was only a 10 minute wait, and a 3 stop connection to the 4th train.

The 4th train was something special.

The moment the doors closed, a tall black man, smelled like flowers, began shouting.

I was 3 feet from him and couldn’t make out the first 20 words he shouted at us.

I finally began to realize that he was chastizing me about abortion, and something that sounded like “Mopery”.

(I could be wrong on that one. As far as I know, Mopery is the lewd act of exposing yourself to dead people. Although it sounds like something the Almighty would be pissed about.)

In the end it took 2 hours and 25 minutes to go 17 miles.

I have a friend who is an actor who was recently turned down for a role.

He was drunk when he said the following:

“Its tough to get anywhere in this town.”

No shit.


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Posted by on October 7, 2013 in Uncategorized


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