Give me a minute to lay this one out for you.
An event was held cross country and I did not attend.
However I happen to know someone who did and they are the type that tries to do a good deed.
In this case, it is finding a lost object and trying to find the owner.
However, and this is where it gets good, first you have to identify the object and inventory any contents.
Item: 1 black leather flap bag with crome raven on the front.
Contents: (Pay attention here)
1 pack of cigarettes. (A filthy habit, best left to old folks and angst filled teenagers.)
PAY ATTENTION, THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD.
1 tube of MR. THICK – Thicken and Elongate (Half empty)
1 tube of ROCK HARD – Maintain Firm Erections. (Three quarters full.)
And thats it.
We really should discuss this.
The first thing is a pretty obvious thought that first occurred to me when I saw the tube is that, if it will make your penis bigger won’t it make your hands bigger, too? (I actually heard a comedian use that joke years ago, and this is the first legitimate chance to use it.)
There is an overall creepy factor, sure, but the specific creepy factor comes from the fact that the tube is half empty.
That is “Clammy handshake” gross.
The “Clammy handshake” is the handshake that comes from the slightly damp hand of the guy that, if you found out he was a serial killer or a pedophile, it would not shock you one little bit.
A picture of the bag has been posted on Facebook with the caption, “If this is yours, claim it by describing the contents.”
And who the hell would do that?
A better question is, who has the unflinching balls to do that?
That is one wildly embarrassing phone call to have to make.
“Hi, um, my name is Joe and I am calling about my bag. The contents? There was a pack of cigarettes and a couple tubes of penis thickener and hardener to use on MY PATHETIC PENIS!”
I realize I am paraphrasing a lot here, but that will be the gist of it.
The creepy, sweaty gist of it.
We may have to have an exorcism before we give it back.
Go all “Old time religion” on it.
Ban a few books while I’m at it.
Or maybe not.
People should be free to let their freak flag fly, no matter how sick it may be.
And trust me, there are some seriously freaky flags out there. (No personal knowledge, but I’ve heard.)
Quite honestly, I hope no one claims it, I really don’t want to meet whoever it belongs to.
Whoever they are, they walk thru the door and put on a big fucking “Creepy” coat.
So just buy a new bag, replace your penis creams and half a pack of cigarettes.
Take your freaky self and go.