And your kid is dumb, too.

17 May

If it seems like I am complaining a lot about other peoples kids, I guess its because I do.

But, dammit, some of these little bastards have it coming.

I have never been one to gush over babies or children, on tv or otherwise, unless I am related to them.

To be blunt, the fastest way to make my teeth itch, (Sure sign of annoyance and distaste) is to proclaim that “All babies are beautiful.”

All of them?

Let’s not go crazy here.

Let’s say we made a rating scale for baby beauty, 1 thru 10.

Then we rated all babies.

At the end of it you would have a list of all your 10’s, the pretty babies.

But at the other end of that scale are the babies that, by process of elimination, are the ugliest.

It is what it is.

And its a whole other argument about your kid being stupid.

And before you say, “How can you say a baby is stupid? They don’t know anything.”


There is the baby of a friend of mine that all but put his eye out by jamming something into it.

3 times.

There have also been numerous instances that they baby gouged his own flesh with various implements during his infancy.

This is a dumb baby.

And I think that is something we need to get out in the open.

There are some kids that are either dumb, or ugly.

And if your kid is both, you’re just fucked.

That is not a kind thing to say, but I am not in the “Kind” business.

Not my job.

You want bullshit or sugar coating, talk to the child’s mother or grandmother.

Now THAT is a delusional bunch.

Or at least the majority are.

Case in point: (And you just KNEW that was coming.)

There is a wharf rat in a diaper running around Starbucks this morning.

3 years old, maybe 4.

Not in a diaper, per se, but there was a suspiciously crinkly pair of little kid pants on him.

And after watching this little warg running loose for a few minutes, I would not be shocked to find out that he occasionally shits himself.

Mom is not much better.

She is the epitome of the MMF.

The Manhattan Money Frau is a species of parent that I despise as a general rule.

Usually their only contribution to parenting was laying prone at conception, beyond that, these bitches can’t be bothered.

Nothing gets in the way of texting and yoga.

And God help us all when the children of these half-tarded robo-blondes hit the world.

But lets get back to the kid.

There is obnoxious cute and then there is obnoxious bad.

Obnoxious bad is our atmosphere right now.

It all starts with a slap.

The child, let’s call him Warg, shall we?

Anyway, Warg first came to my attention when he was running and fell.

And it wasn’t like a little kid falling because he is still new to the whole walking thing.

He was running along and one leg just locked up.

Went stiff and straight and he took a header to the left.

He skidded about 3 feet, thankfully not hitting anyone.

Mom never caught it, despite that fact that the entire room stopped moving.

And then the crying began.

It was like a goat being fed into a wood chipper, the noise is disturbing and each cry is louder and scarier than the last.

And now mom is involved, but she really resents it.

“Oh god, Warg, come here.” (Ok, she said Thomas, but I heard Warg)

He stands, crinkly paints and all. (And they ARE diapers underneath. At some point he has peed himself, his pants have swelled. I am not shocked.)

Mom squats down and doesn’t really check out if he is hurt, just has a face to face with him in what appears to be simply telling him to shut up.

Great, way to go, Mom.

But the slap caught all of us watching off guard.

Warg, it seems, has had enough of her shit.

His chubby little hand smacked her squarely on the cheek.

He obviously has a future in domestic violence.

But, before she can do anything about Warg’s somewhat clumsy fistcuffs, he takes off.

What happened next was both painful to watch and an epic fail.

He runs as fast possible across the room, chubby little legs churning.

Right into the door, as full speed.

I am shocked that he didn’t go right thru it.

What followed was a lot of mayhem and shrieking.

God help the world if Warg makes it out of adolescence alive.

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Posted by on May 17, 2013 in Uncategorized


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