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Don’t mess with Mom.

13 May

Imagine there is a fire in a house full of people.

Chaos, shouting, hysteria… and mimosas?

Right, its not a fire, it’s just Mother’s Day with the WHOLE family.

The big family breakfast has become the ritual over the last few years.

Its a long story, but we are a family of either mechanics or short order cooks, and some are both.

But the house is full of people.

My people.

This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

I come from loud, in your face, people.

It is kind of like being raised in a shark tank.

It works out fine only if you are a shark.

If you aren’t, say, if you are dating or married into this clan, God help you.

I have brought women I was dating to family functions and inside of 5 minutes, their eyes are rolling like a horse in a forest fire.

Quick three examples:

1. I had an Aunt look at a hickey on my neck and then ask me if my new girlfriend (Standing next to me) was the “Little whore that tried to bite my head off.

2. I had a cousin who was meeting my new girlfriend (Different one) and decided to hump her leg by way of a hello.

3. I had an Alzheimer’s addled great uncle decide to describe, in great detail, the fun and mystery of anal sex to a girl I brought to Thanksgiving. (Happened while I was getting us desert.)

It is a bit of a crapshoot at times, you either catch the family on a good day or a bad day, but depending on your perspective, these two can be the same day.

Being raised in it, I prefer the chinese fire drill atmosphere of it all.

It is pretty brutal and in your face, but not a lot of personal shit goes unsaid.

Nothing festers for long around here.

Which is a good thing.

I have been privy to other families methods of dealing with their shit, and it boggles the mind.

I know of one family that, say the daughter is made at that mother. What does she do? Right, she makes plans to go shopping with mom, and they both pretend that everything is fine. In the meantime, she calls her mom’s sister and tells her what a rotten bitch mom is. Then she hangs up and understands that the sister is going to call mom immediately and tell her this. Mom will then inform the sister of what an ungrateful wretch the daughter is and hangs up, understanding completely that the sister will now call the daughter and relay the info.

BUT NOBODY SAYS DICK IN PERSON!!!

It is the most dysfunctional passive-aggressive bunch you will ever see.

Gives me a headache thinking about it.

Back to the house and breakfast.

I do like Mother’s day, its a fitting tribute to a woman who I have come to view as both a force of nature and one of the more powerful alpha females I have ever know.

Plus she can see the future. (Long story there, no judgement here.)

And I also like mimosas.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, from your rotten kid.

Love ya.

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3 Comments

Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

3 responses to “Don’t mess with Mom.

  1. Mary

    May 13, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Nice homage to your mother and family. Happy to be a part of the cray bunch for the last almost 31 years 🙂

     
    • Bittermac

      May 13, 2013 at 5:02 pm

      I am still not sure whats wrong with you.

       
  2. Diane McKinley aka MOM

    May 13, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Love ya right back, bunches and bunches!

     

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